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6 signs you're in love with a narcissist

<p>Narcissists can be toxic to your life and can be devastating to your wellbeing. Here are six signs you’ve fallen in love with one.</p> <p><strong>1. They have problems with jealousy</strong></p> <p>Envy and jealousy are almost synonymous with narcissism. Even though outwardly a narcissist behaves like they are the most important person in the world, this can often mask some genuine insecurities.</p> <p>As such, they will be jealous of anyone else you spend time with like your family and friends to members of the opposite sex. They can even overreact to simple everyday interactions you have with others.</p> <p><strong>2. They have to be in control</strong></p> <p>This applies to just about everything in a relationship, from finances to what to watch on television. This can be because they believe that their way is the best way and so that’s how things must be done. Or it can be that they want to assert their dominance over every situation and don't let anyone else get a look in.</p> <p>Very often, you’ll find that narcissists will avoid putting themselves in situations that they can’t control or where they feel they may be found out.</p> <p><strong>3. They won’t admit when they are wrong</strong></p> <p>Surely, as such a superior person, they could never be wrong, right? This is what goes through the mind of a narcissist. They will often argue until they are blue in the face even when it is quite clear they are in the wrong.</p> <p>This even applies to unimportant things – like who’s turn it was to take out the garbage – and yet they find it impossible to let go.</p> <p><strong>4. They have a constant need for praise</strong></p> <p>Even though it seems like a narcissist has an overly healthy ego, often they are very insecure. As such, they have a constant need for attention, praise and general ego boosts. They may always want to hear how good they look or how smart they are, yet will never return the favour and compliment others.</p> <p>It can quickly become draining to have to prop up someone’s ego 24 hours a day.</p> <p><strong>5. They think everyone else is to blame</strong></p> <p>It must be nice to be a narcissist – nothing is ever your fault. Fights in a relationship, clashes with workmates, bad business decisions; a narcissist can easily write all these things off as the fault of someone else.</p> <p>Be warned – in a relationship you will soon find that everything is your fault and there is no way to extricate yourself from it.</p> <p><strong>6. They lie</strong></p> <p>Blatantly and to your face. Narcissists think they are smarter than everyone, so they believe that their lies will never be found out.</p> <p>They can lie about everything and often trap themselves in an ever-larger web of affairs, debts or crime. Pay attention and you will soon find that they can’t keep track of their own falsehoods.</p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p>

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Signs you’re a conversational narcissist

<p>Showing conversational narcissism doesn’t mean you have a personality disorder. (To learn more about that, watch out for these 12 signs you’re dealing with a narcissist.) The term was coined by sociologist Charles Derber and describes the tendency to turn a conversation back to yourself. A balanced dialogue should involve both sides, but conversational narcissists tend to keep the focus on themselves, so you’re getting attention but not giving any away, says licenced marriage and family therapist Kate Campbell, PhD. “It invalidates the other person and what they’re trying to share,” she says. The problem is, talking about ourselves is natural, so it’s hard to notice when you’re overdoing it.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You don’t ask many questions</strong></p> <p>Asking questions gives the other person a chance to elaborate more – so conversational narcissists won’t ask them, says Celeste Headlee, author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter. “If they do ask questions, they’re questions that lead back to themselves,” she says. “Things like ‘Do you know what I mean?’ ‘Did I tell you about this?’ ‘Did we see this movie?’” To be a better listener, ask follow-up questions to show interest in what the other person is saying.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You use a lot of filler phrases</strong></p> <p>Even when listening to another person, a conversational narcissist will respond mostly with fillers like “hmm” or “interesting” instead of showing any true curiosity, says Headlee. “It’s passive conversational narcissism, which is withholding attention until the attention goes back to ourselves,” she says. Make sure you’re fully engaged in a conversation, even if you can’t personally relate – your relationship will be stronger for it.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You’ve been talking for ages</strong></p> <p>The amount of time you’ve been talking is a major red flag that you’re showing conversational narcissism. “It becomes more of a monologue versus a dialogue,” says Dr Campbell. “You need to have a back-and-forth flow.” Make a point of being more self-aware of how long you’ve been talking. If no one else can get a word in edgewise, it’s time for you to step aside for the next speaker.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>The listeners’ eyes are glazing over</strong></p> <p>Because you care so much about what you’re talking about, sometimes it can be hard to realise that you’ve been dominating the conversation. The trick, then, is to notice subtle cues in the people you’re with. “Their body language might look uncomfortable, or they could be crossing their arms or not paying attention,” says Dr Campbell. Some might even be scrolling through their phones to avoid engaging. At that point, try to bring one of them into the conversation by mentioning something he or she would want a say in.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You wait until you’re done to ask questions</strong></p> <p>You’ve noticed you’ve been doing most of the talking in the conversation – great! That’s the first step to shutting down your own conversational narcissism. But it won’t mean much if you only say “enough about me!” at the end of your chat when everyone is getting ready to leave, you aren’t giving the other person much chance to talk. “It’s a nod to politeness … when really it’s just surface and not an honest invitation,” says Headlee. Give the others a chance to get a word in early on so you can have a balanced two-way conversation.</p> <p>One phrase Headlee says you shouldn’t let out of your mouth when someone else is dealing with a tragedy: “I know how you feel.” You might think you’re showing support, but that phrase is actually turning the conversation away from the other person’s pain and over to your own. “It shuts down that conversation,” says Headlee. “You’re saying ‘you don’t need to tell me anymore – I know how you feel.’” What that person really needs is a listening ear, she says, so encourage your friend to tell you more. No need to pretend you can’t relate, but after you share a story, bring the focus back to the other person. Try something like “I lost a parent last year too and can’t imagine what you’re going through. Is there any way I can help?”</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You’re constantly thinking of your next line</strong></p> <p>In contrast to a conversational narcissist, a good listener “would be listening to understand versus listening to respond or share a story,” says Dr Campbell. Instead of wracking your brain for a similar story you can add to the conversation, put the focus on the speaker. Once there’s a pause, show you genuinely want to understand by confirming what you’ve heard and allowing the person to elaborate, or ask for extra details.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You’re feeling awkward</strong></p> <p>Some people try to ask questions to divert focus away from themselves when they’re feeling shy, says Headlee. On the other hand, others might default to conversational narcissism, says Dr Campbell. “Especially if they’re nervous or uncomfortable socially, they go back to what they know – and that’s their own personal experiences,” she says. Try these science-backed tips for boosting self-confidence to get over your nerves.</p> <p> </p> <p><em>Written by Marissa Laliberte</em><em>. This article first appeared on </em><a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/8-signs-youre-a-conversational-narcissist"><em>Reader’s Digest</em></a><em>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><a href="http://readersdigest.com.au/subscribe"><em>here’s our best subscription offer</em></a><em>.</em></p>

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The 12 ways narcissists make you think they’re important

<p><strong><em>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</em></strong></p> <p>Have you ever noticed that some people you work with or interact with socially underplay their chances of succeeding? Perhaps they go into a situation in which their abilities will be put to the test, such as a entering a contest to get the most sales in the upcoming month or putting together a meal for an important family gathering. Maybe they announce they have a first date with a match made through an <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/social-networking">online dating</a></span> site. Rather than predict a positive outcome in these situations, they put on a show of looking ill-prepared or incompetent. They claim that they're doomed to fail because they lack the necessary skills, people or otherwise, to achieve a positive outcome. Yet, you also have suspected for a while that these individuals seem to be quite self-centred and <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/relationships">love</a></span> to grab the limelight. Why, then, would they go out of their way to seem ill-equipped to handle a challenge?</p> <p>New research by University of North Texas psychologist Michael Barnett and colleagues (2018) suggests that people high in narcissism engage in this self-handicapping presentation strategy as a twisted way of getting you to think that they truly are terrific. Their study, which was conducted on a college student sample of 818 participants, was based on the idea that self-handicapping, or what they call “sandbagging” is just one more way that people high in narcissism manipulate the way others regard them. Although testing this concept on a college student sample might seem to limit its applicability to the broader population, it is consistent with some of the earliest theories of <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/personality">personality</a></span>. By underplaying their strengths, according to theorists such as Alfred Adler and Karen Horney, narcissists can’t possibly fail. If they don’t win at a situation, they can show that they didn’t expect to anyhow. If they do win, then they look all that much more amazing to those who witness their glory.</p> <p>The concept of sandbagging as a psychological self-presentation strategy was tested by Central Michigan University’s Brian Gibson and Minnesota State University (Mankato)’s Daniel Sachau in a 2000 study that described and validated a 12-item measure. Gibson and Sachau define sandbagging as “a self-presentational strategy involving the false claim or feigned demonstration of inability used to create artificially low expectations for the sandbagger’s performance” (p. 56). Although the origins of the term are unclear (possibly related to building dams, horse-racing, or acts of physical aggression), it’s a concept familiar in the world of “coaches and card-players.” In a press conference prior to a big game, a head coach will talk down, instead of up, the <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/teamwork">team</a></span>'s chances of victory. Like the coach playing mind games on the opponent, by pretending to be less competent than you are you can lull those who might oppose you into complacency.</p> <p>However, as Gibson and Sachau note, sandbagging can be used in situations involving evaluation rather than <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/sport-and-competition">competition</a></span>. A student who’s actually studied hard tells a professor not to expect much out of the upcoming exam performance. By reducing expectations, the individual either looks better after succeeding at the task or has a reason to explain low performance, should that be the outcome. People can also reduce the pressure on them if they predict poor performance to others because they’ve now got nothing to lose should this occur.</p> <p>Barnett et al., examining the relationship between narcissism and sandbagging, used the 12-item Sandbagging Scale developed in that 2000 study by Gibson and Sachau. The North Texas researchers note that people use this strategy primarily as a way of protecting their <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/self-esteem">self-esteem</a></span>, as shown in previous research establishing a relationship between low self-esteem and sandbagging. People high in narcissism, the researchers maintain, are attempting to protect a fragile self-esteem reflected in feelings of vulnerability that they may cover up with grandiosity. As they note, “the high explicit self-esteem observed in narcissists is an attempt to cover up underlying low self-esteem and vulnerability” (p. 2). Not all psychologists agree that vulnerability and grandiosity are two sides of the same <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/narcissism">narcissistic </a></span>coin, but for the purpose of studying sandbagging, such an assumption seems warranted. Going back to the theories of Adler and Horney, downplaying their abilities is a tactic that narcissists use to guarantee that they can’t fail, suggesting that their self-esteem indeed has a precarious basis.</p> <p>The Barnett et al. findings supported the roles of both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism in explaining scores on the sandbagging measure above and beyond the effects of self-esteem. Thus, people high in narcissism attempt to look good by predicting bad. They use sandbagging, the authors conclude, “to resolve the dissonance that stems from viewing themselves as superior yet potentially being negatively evaluated” (p. 5). This helps them manage their self-esteem by pretending that nothing’s at stake should they either succeed or fail.</p> <p>Before examining the implications of these findings, let’s turn next to the Sandbagging Scale. If Barnett and his collaborators are correct, the items on this scale should provide a novel way to test people’s levels of narcissism because those high in narcissism should score high on this measure.</p> <p>To test yourself, indicate your agreement with these items on a 6-point scale from disagree very much to agree very much:</p> <ol> <li>It’s better for people to expect less of you even if you know you can perform well.</li> <li>The less others expect of me, the better I like it.</li> <li>If I tell others my true ability, I feel added pressure to perform well.</li> <li>The less others expect of me the more comfortable I feel.</li> <li>I may understate my abilities to take some of the pressure off.</li> <li>When someone has high expectations of me I feel uncomfortable.</li> <li>I try to perform above others’ expectations.</li> <li>It’s important that I surpass people’s expectations for my performance.</li> <li>I like others to be surprised by my performance.</li> <li>I enjoy seeing others surprised by my abilities.</li> <li>I will understate my abilities in front of my opponent(s).</li> <li>I understate my skills, ability, or knowledge.</li> </ol> <p>In looking at your responses, flip your ratings of 7 and 8, which are the opposite of sandbagging. The 12 items divide into 3 subscales: Pressure (1-6), Exceeding Expectations (7-10), and Behaviour (11 and 12). The average scores were in the higher end of the 6-point scale, with most people scoring between about 3 and 5, but the highest scores were in items 7-10, the Exceeding Expectations scale. It appears, then, that most people engage in some <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/leadership">management</a></span> of their self-esteem through sandbagging. As indicated by Barnett and his co-authors, people highest in narcissism should be particularly likely to do so.</p> <p>Hearing an individual expressing false modesty about an upcoming evaluation, as the Sandbagging scale would seem to reflect, can provide you with cues that the individual is trying to protect a fragile sense of self. Rather than project an outward show of bravado, then, people high in narcissism can use the reverse strategy. The audience might be fooled by all of this down-regulation of expectations and not recognise that they are actually watching the self-preservation tactics of the narcissist.</p> <p><strong>To sum up,</strong> be on the lookout for sandbagging when you suspect that you’re witnessing false modesty. Fulfillment in life comes from being able to engage in situations involving competition or evaluation with a reasonable sense of inner self-<span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/confidence">confidence</a></span>. People high in narcissism view every evaluative situation as a threat to their own fallibility and as a result, cannot experience this sense of fulfillment.  </p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201809/the-12-ways-narcissists-make-you-think-they-re-important"><strong><u>Psychology Today.</u></strong> </a></em></p>

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The one word a narcissist doesn’t want to hear

<p><strong><em>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</em></strong></p> <p>Narcissism is marked by a distinct belief in one’s own exceptionalism. People high in this quality are convinced that they are better than everyone else and deserving of attention and recognition. They certainly don’t want to be criticised or called out for any misbehaviour. Perhaps you have a relative who likes to show off at family gatherings as being the best cook in the clan. She produces what she believes to be perfectly prepared potatoes, making sure everyone applauds her contribution as she flamboyantly sets them on the table. Unfortunately, no one thinks they're actually all that good. When the potatoes inevitably go uneaten time after time, she seems oblivious until someone finally gets up the nerve to point this out. The result, in retrospect, was predictable: “What’s wrong with you people? You wouldn’t know good cooking if it stared you in the face!”</p> <p>As hard as it is for people high in narcissism to accept criticism, it’s even more difficult for them to take “no” for an answer. You might have a very demanding and self-centred boss who, like the Queen of Hearts in <em>Alice in Wonderland</em>, wants everyone in her vicinity to do what she tells them to do. You wouldn’t dare criticise her or even offer constructive comments about how she might try moving the chairs around her desk so that it would be easier to have meetings in her office. The last time you tried this, you stopped yourself before the eruption reached its full proportion. What if, along related lines, you indicated your disagreement with her managerial style? The last time someone tried this, she told them never, ever, to talk to her that way again. </p> <p>There are many words people high in narcissism don’t want to hear, but perhaps the worst involve a “no,” as in “No, you can’t," "No, you're wrong," or — even worse — “No, I won’t.” This makes it difficult to go about your ordinary business with the people in your life who don't understand the give-and-take of normal social interactions. According to a 2014 study by Hacettepe University (Turkey)’s Şefika Şule Erçetin and colleagues, this type of “Managerial Narcissism” can create chaos. The highly <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/narcissism">narcissistic </a></span>come up with “new and dramatic <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/motivation">goals</a></span>” whose inability to succeed can only be attributed to “outside conditions or enemies who attempt to hinder them” (p. 98). If you try to stop this managerial narcissist, by extension, you become “the enemy”. </p> <p>From this description, you might think that you could readily identify the managerial narcissist in your life. Test these ideas against sample items from the scale developed by the Turkish authors. Each item appears after the dimension it represents on the scale:</p> <ol> <li><span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/leadership">Leadership</a></span>and authority: I am a good leader.</li> <li>Anticipation of recognition: I know that I am a good manager, because everyone says so.</li> <li>Grandiosity: I very much want to be powerful.</li> <li>Self-admiration and vanity: If I ran the world, it would be a much better place.</li> <li><span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/conditions/exhibitionism">Exhibitionism</a></span>: Everyone likes hearing my stories.</li> </ol> <p>If the person in question seems to fit these items, then the chances are good that you’re dealing with someone high in this extremely bossy form of narcissism. How, then, do you approach realistically the situations in which you need to refuse an order or challenge your boss’s strategy? You know that to preserve your sanity, or at least the effectiveness of the group’s efforts, you’re going to have to say something, but if you’re fired, you’ll be deprived both of the opportunity to make changes and, of course, your pay check. Similarly, if you challenge that narcissistically managerial family member, you’ll risk creating irreparable family divisions that might include your banishment from holiday and birthday gatherings.</p> <p>Thus, knowing why individuals high in managerial narcissism have these unpleasant stances toward the people in their lives doesn’t really help you solve these dilemmas. Indeed, recognising that a person you need to challenge, potentially, is high in narcissism can only make the problem seem worse. You <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/fear">fear</a></span> “poking the dragon,” because you anticipate that the other person will retaliate against you because of the injury you’ve inflicted with your disagreement or challenge.</p> <p>University of Kentucky’s David Chester and C. Nathan DeWall (2016) conducted a study that can provide a way out of this quagmire. Chester and DeWall tested the proposal that “narcissists react aggressively to interpersonal insult because of a heightened discrepancy between their grandiose self and the now threatened self” (p. 366). To understand why they react this way, the research <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/teamwork">team</a></span> put undergraduate participants through a simulated social rejection while a brain scan (fMRI) measured their <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/neuroscience">neural</a></span> activity in an area involved in maintaining vigilance. The rejection simulation involved the game of “Cyberball” in which participants think they’re being excluded from a computer game by two people who throw the ball just to each other, and not to the participant. People who had scored high on the narcissism scale, and had heightened activity in this one brain region, reacted to rejection by "punishing" the opponents they believed had rejected them. No one was actually punished, of course, nor were there any actual opponents in this simulation, but the participants didn't know this at the time. They believed their rejection was real, and their response indicated they were intent on seeking revenge.</p> <p>It appears, then, that people high in narcissism who are vigilant for potential threats will be the ones you should most fear if you cross them by refusing to accede to their will or pointing out where they’re wrong. In real life, you can't test someone's intention of seeking revenge by pulling out a portable brain scan. As a suggestion for avoiding this unpleasant outcome, then, it might be worthwhile to consider Chester and DeWall’s observation from previous research that the acute sensitivity to rejection that some people high in narcissism show results from a life history “characterized by volatile, ‘hot-then-cold’ interactions with <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/attachment">attachment</a></span> figures” (p. 366).</p> <p>You can’t go back and fix those early <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/child-development">childhood</a></span> experiences, but knowing where the <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/anger">rage</a></span> comes from can help you approach the situation from a more empathetic standpoint. Prefacing your comments by offering ego-protecting words in which you show your admiration can help soften the blow. Knowing that confrontations provoke angry responses can also help you plan end-run strategies that allow you to achieve the same outcome in an indirect fashion. Returning to the example of the unpopular potatoes, you might work with whoever is organising the menu for the occasion to suggest a face-saving alternative, such as simply asking for another contribution, because there haven’t been enough, for example, cheese platters brought to your family gatherings.</p> <p>It can be difficult to establish fulfilling relationships with people whose narcissism makes them overly sensitive and reactive to challenges to their sense of self. In the long run, the delicate and tactful route may pave the way to happier outcomes for all.</p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com"><strong><u>Psychology Today.</u></strong> </a></em></p>

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How to stop narcissists from talking about themselves

<p><strong><em>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</em></strong></p> <p>Having a conversation with people high in narcissism can be a true test of your social adroitness. With their steady stream of highly self-referenced observations, they challenge you to maintain attention on what else is going on around you, much less get a word in edgewise. Perhaps your coworker refuses to stop talking while at her desk, and also manages to twist every sentence of yours around until it applies only to her. It’s even dawned on you to sneak a set of earplugs into your cubicle but you’re not sure if you’d get away with it. Not only that, you actually do have to keep your ears open to be able to do your job. Or imagine that you’re traveling with a highly <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/narcissism">narcissistic </a>companion throughout the beautiful countryside on a sunny day. You’d like to be able to enjoy the scenery and have at least a few moments of peace and quiet, but his endless babbling just doesn’t stop. Even if he’s not talking about himself specifically, the fact that he keeps talking ensures that he grabs the centre of attention.</p> <p>You might expect that people high in narcissism would be motivated to keep the spotlight on themselves, but also that they might recognize, if only slightly, that they occasionally have to give other people their turn to talk. Having some modicum of social graces would work to their advantage, you might argue, to ensure that they’re liked. They can’t monopolize every conversation. Or can they? A new study by University of Potsdam (Germany)’s Ramzi Fatfouta &amp; Michaela Schröder-Abé (2018) asked the question of whether people high in narcissism are “agentic to the core?” In other words, does the outer self-esteem and <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/confidence">self-assurance</a> penetrate to their innermost selves? The “mask” model of narcissism, as they note, suggests that the grandiosity they project is a cover for their inner self-doubts and feelings of weakness.</p> <p>Fatfouta and Schröder-Abé’s study was conducted within the tradition of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/personality">personality</a> research that regards narcissism as a trait rather than as a categorical disorder which you have or you don’t. They also note that they were interested in the “grandiose” but not the “vulnerable” form of narcissism, or the tendency to present a particularly favourable self-assessment to the outside world. With this background in mind, they tested the idea that people high in narcissism would feel, on the inside, that they lack a sense of agency even though a secure sense of self-confidence would be part of the image they like to project. The paper that sparked the research by the Potsdam authors, published by University of Georgia’s W. Keith Campbell and colleagues (2007), made the case that narcissists lack an inner sense of agency and do feel inferior to the core, but the sample for that study was relatively small (117). The German authors decided to test this proposition on a larger, more representative, online sample (650 individuals with an average age of 24) using what they regarded as better measures of implicit self-esteem with regard to agency.</p> <p>To measure implicit self-esteem, the research <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/teamwork">team</a> used a variation of a <a href="https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/user/pimh/index.jsp">standard experimental approach</a> that taps people’s unconscious associations to adjectives describing themselves. Participants saw words such as “active” and “passive" on a computer screen, and were instructed to respond as quickly as possible to the words "active" and "me," and "passive" and "not-me." In the comparison condition, they responded to the words "active" and "not-me," and "passive and me." People with high inner self-esteem struggle to pair the words they reject as not true of them with "me," or those they see as true of them with "not-me." To contrast implicit with explicit self-esteem, participants simply rated how strongly active and passive terms applied to them. and they also filled out a general self-esteem self-report measure.</p> <p>In this replication of the Georgia study, the German authors found no outward-inward discrepancy in agency for people high in narcissism. Those high in narcissism stated that they saw themselves as agentic, but they did not score low on their implicit sense of agency. Concluding that narcissists don’t seem to dislike themselves, “deep down inside,” (p. 81), Fatfouta and Schröder-Abé propose instead that people high in the need to see themselves as important and above everyone else have no particular inner need to see themselves as in charge. Even as they project this strongly agentic image to others, they remain neutral at best in seeing agency as important to their inner sense of self.</p> <p>The Fatfouta and Schröder-Abé study suggests, then, that the people you know who seem narcissistically self-entitled and grandiose enjoy being seen as in control, if only for the impact their strong need to take charge has on others. Their core <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/identity">self-concept</a> doesn’t rely on being in control or not, though. When they take over centre stage in a group, they’re not trying to cover up their feelings of inadequacy, but instead seem to do so out of the sheer pleasure it provides them while others bow to their will. </p> <p>It would appear, then, that you don’t have to walk on eggshells when you’re dealing with a conversation-grabber out of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/fear">fear</a> of creating an outburst of narcissistic <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/anger">rage</a>. Fulfillment in relationships depends on a healthy degree of give-and-take. If the person you're with continually grabs the conversational reins, you can rely on the Fatfouta and Schröder-Abé study’s findings to go ahead and make the monologue a dialogue.</p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com"><strong><u>Psychology Today.</u></strong> </a></em></p>

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The reason why narcissists need to outdo everyone else

<p><em><strong>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</strong></em></p> <p>Grandiosity and an elevated self-focus are key components of narcissism. The way in which narcissists view themselves, however, also reflects the way they view other people. In order to see themselves as superior they, by definition, must see everyone else as beneath them. Consider a situation in which a co-worker of yours talks constantly about herself and her family, seems uninterested in your own life, and spends an inordinate amount of time preening in front of the mirror she keeps in her desk drawer. These narcissistic behaviours seem reinforced by the way she maintains her office space. Overflowing with photos showing her in flattering situations, such as the time she won an important award at work, she’s placed the awards themselves in prominent locations in her shelves so that you can’t help but notice them when you walk by her desk. An extension of her personal tendencies to turn attention toward herself, her office space is clearly intended to reinforce this view of herself as superior to others. </p> <p>The view of people high in narcissism as preoccupied with <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/identity" title="Psychology Today looks at self-image">self-image</a></strong></span> doesn’t necessarily take into account this idea that such individuals seem driven to elevate their social status. According to a new study by University of Roehampton’s (U.K.) Nikhila Mahadevan and colleagues (2018), the narcissist's need for status goes beyond an ordinary need for positive regard from others. Most people, the British <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/teamwork" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at team">team</a></strong></span> argue, behave in ways consistent with “sociometer theory,” in which they are driven by a need for social inclusion. People high in narcissism, however, operate according to “hierometer theory,” or a need to navigate social hierarchies. It's status the narcissist seeks, not approval. As defined by the authors, status refers to “being respected and admired” (p. 2); inclusion refers to “being liked and admired” (p. 2). Thus, status involves a need to stand above others, while inclusion involves a need to be a part of a group. </p> <p>In distinguishing between <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/self-esteem" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at self-esteem">self-esteem</a></strong></span> and narcissism, the British researchers note that both refer to a form of self-regard. Self-esteem is defined as a positive or negative attitude toward the self. People high in self-esteem feel that they have worth, but don’t need to see themselves as better than others. People high in narcissism, though, have a more grandiose set of needs that include a sense of entitlement, a tendency to exploit others, and unusual sensitivity to criticism. The authors studied narcissism as a <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/personality" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at trait">trait</a></strong></span> that varies in everyone rather than the clinical form of <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at narcissistic personality disorder">narcissistic personality disorder</a></strong></span>. The highly narcissistic in their model should be acutely concerned, they predict, with social status, needing less to be liked than to be admired.</p> <p>The hierometer model of narcissism, as suggested by Mahadevan and her fellow researchers, uniquely proposes that “self-regard serves a status-regulating function, tracking social status, and motivating status-optimizing behavior” (p. 4). Consider people who feel they must wear the brand labels of expensive designers. They don't care whether the items with the fancy logos are particularly beautiful or even worth the money in an objective sense. Instead, the narcissistic individuals trying to assert their status want others to notice their wealth. </p> <p>In a series of investigations, the British researchers began with two online samples of adults who completed questionnaires designed to assess the needs for inclusion and status. Questions used to measure status and inclusion asked people to rate items that began with the following prompt: “Most of the time I feel that people…”  Sample status items included “… respect my achievements,” “think highly of my abilities and talents,” “admire me,” and “consider me a success.” Sample inclusion items began with the opening prompt of “most of the time,” followed by statements such as “feel warmly toward me,” “include me in their social activities,” “see me as fitting in,” and “would be willing to be friends with me.” The researchers then correlated scores on these two scales with standard measures of narcissism and self-esteem.</p> <p>As the authors predicted, scores on both the status and inclusion measures predicted ordinary (non-narcissistic) self-esteem, but narcissism was related only to scores on the status scale. Narcissism, then, appeared to operate according to the hierometer model. As these were correlational findings, Mahadevan and her collaborators then went on to test the two alternative models using an experimental design for which they recruited samples of undergraduate participants.  </p> <p>In the two experimental studies that followed, participants completed questionnaires measuring status and inclusion and were given false feedback about their scores, leading them to think either that they had scored high or low on the measure associated with the experimental condition (i.e. either high/low status or high/low inclusion). In the high status condition, the participants read feedback that included such praise as “People will tend to admire you, and think highly of your abilities and talents.” In the high inclusion feedback condition, participants were told “Statistically, you are much more likely than your peers to be liked, to feel you belong, and to come across as one of the group.” The researchers provided the opposite feedback to participants assigned to one of the low conditions. Following these manipulations, participants completed measures of narcissism and self-esteem.</p> <p>In these two experimental studies, the status manipulation predicted both self-esteem and narcissism, but the inclusion feedback had an effect only on self-esteem. Thus, narcissism acted as a hierometer meaning, again, that it is highly attuned to status rather than social acceptance in general. Being liked, as indicated by the inclusion measure, did nothing for the self-esteem of people high in narcissism, and when given positive inclusion feedback, people’s levels of narcissism didn’t respond. As the authors concluded, “Indeed, when it comes to narcissistic self-regard, social inclusion may be irrelevant, or even antithetical to it. As long as one receives respect and admiration, this type of self-regard may not “care” about levels of social inclusion” (p. 15).</p> <p>Returning to the question of your apparently status-conscious co-worker, the British findings suggest that she’s using these symbols of success in a narcissistic manner to remind her (and those around her) of her high social standing. Further, she may not particularly care whether you like her or not, as long as you admire her for her accomplishments. If the sense of entitlement that went with her narcissistic tendencies weren’t so off-putting, you might be tempted to think “Sad!” when you go by her desk.</p> <p>To sum up, the Mahadevan et al. findings show that narcissism may indeed operate on a plane independent of the need to be liked that we associate with its constant clamouring for attention. The need for inclusion is a far more socially adaptive approach that, in the long run, can prove far more important for fulfillment.</p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss. Republished with permission of</em> <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com" target="_blank"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Psychology Today.</span></strong></em></a></p>

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Your ultimate guide to identifying a narcissist

<p><strong><em>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</em></strong></p> <p>With all that is written about identifying narcissism in others, you might think that everything’s been said that could be said about the subject. However, in reality, previous guides to evaluating narcissism have involved making the logical leap from <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/personality" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at personality">personality</a></strong></span> tests that people answer themselves to the type of assessment that others would make of them. As you can imagine, self-report tests of personality have the potentially fatal flaw, especially for people high in narcissism, of being subject to distortion. Who wants to admit to being grandiose, self-centered, and exploitative? The best personality inventories have built-in controls that detect such distortions, yet they still rely on people reporting on their own qualities, and therefore don’t completely eliminate the lie factor.</p> <p>The main limitation of extrapolating from self-statements to guides that others can use to detect narcissism, then, is that you’re using assessment methods that weren’t designed for that purpose. In their new publication, University of Kentucky <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/personality-disorders" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at personality disorder">personality disorder</a></strong></span> researchers Josh Oltmanns and colleagues (2018) note that “Fundamental to narcissism is an exaggerated <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/identity" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at self-image">self-image</a></strong></span> that may sorely complicate its assessment.” As a result, of all the scales measuring personality disorders, “Agreement between self and informants is typically the lowest for <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at narcissistic personality disorder">narcissistic personality disorder</a></strong></span>,” and the less extreme form, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/narcissism" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at narcissistic "><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>narcissistic</strong></span> </a>traits. On the flip side, agreement between informants about other people’s narcissistic traits is the highest of all personality disorder-related qualities. Although it is possible to measure narcissism from self-reports, the Oltmanns et al. <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/teamwork" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at team">team</a></strong></span> believe that using such methods alone to assess narcissism “may be problematic or incomplete."</p> <p>Across two studies, the University of Kentucky researchers developed and refined their new measure, the Informant Five-Factor Narcissism Inventory (IFFNI). They were particularly interested in being able to identify and distinguish <em>grandiose</em> from <em>vulnerable</em> narcissistic traits. The grandiose traits include the self-aggrandizement that you may associate with narcissism. These traits are the easiest to detect, but in self-report research are the most difficult to quantify, because they are the most difficult for people to admit to having. The vulnerable traits are less easily detectable, because they reflect inner feelings of weakness and inadequacy. The two sets of qualities are clearly related, especially if you believe that all narcissists are attempting to cover up their inner feelings of weakness. Yet they should show a distinction, both in the way that people report about themselves and in the way that others view them.</p> <p>Oltmanns and colleagues first developed the IFFNI on an undergraduate sample in which self-reports by participants were compared with those of informants such as friends, family, and romantic partners. In this initial study, consistent with the grandiose-vulnerable distinction, informant-self discrepancies were higher for vulnerable than for grandiose. In other words, those high in grandiose narcissism weren’t that reluctant to admit to having these self-promoting and ego-enhancing tendencies, but their weak inner core remained elusive to informants.</p> <p>The second investigation involved an online sample of adults who the researchers placed in either the grandiose or narcissist condition for completing the IFFNI. In other words, participants were instructed to respond for a person who they felt met the criteria for being one or the other forms of narcissist. This was a procedure the researchers devised for a previous study in which they established its validity. If participants couldn’t identify someone they knew who fit the description, they didn’t complete the study. The remaining participants were equally divided into the two conditions, for a total of 211 in the sample averaging 38 years old and including a range of racial and ethnic groups. Interestingly, two-thirds of the male targets fit the grandiose condition, and two-thirds fit the vulnerable.</p> <p>Looking across the two studies, the authors concluded that the IFFNI provided scores on narcissism by informants that met the methodological tests for a good assessment instrument. Additionally, in the first study, the authors were able to gain insight into the perceived adaptation of people high in narcissism as rated by others vs. themselves. A well-known fact about people high in narcissism is that they’re highly likable and attractive — unless you know them well, at which point they start to wear out their welcome. Oltmanns et al. therefore included a measure of social dysfunction that included items such as “I am difficult to get along with,” which participants in the first study used to rate themselves and their targets. Even though the targets in that study were people that participants generally liked, the participants believed the targets to be less socially adept than the target did themselves.</p> <p>Along these lines, one final result based on ratings by informants in the second study bears mentioning, and this concerns scores on an additional measure — that of pathological narcissism. The scale measuring this quality looks for such maladaptive features as “entitlement rage,” or being incensed at feeling slighted. Theoretically, vulnerable narcissists should be the ones to receive high scores on this measure. However, with informants providing the ratings instead of the targets themselves, the findings suggest that “there may be a good deal of vulnerability” in grandiose narcissism.</p> <p>These findings make clear that informants can do as good a job, if not better, at characterizing the narcissists in their own social worlds. With this in mind, let’s look at the 15 informant indicators from the IFFNI that you could use to evaluate the narcissists in yours (the <strong>G</strong> and <strong>V</strong> indicate grandiose and vulnerable, respectively):</p> <p><strong>1. Reactive <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/anger" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at anger">anger</a></span> (V):</strong> Becoming enraged when they perceive a personal slight.</p> <p><strong>2. <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/embarrassment" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at Shame">Shame</a></span> (V):</strong> Made easily to feel bad about a real or imagined wrongdoing.</p> <p><strong>3. Indifference (G):</strong> Not caring about how other people feel.</p> <p><strong>4. Need for admiration (V):</strong><strong> </strong>Being in need of positive affirmation.</p> <p><strong>5. <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/exhibitionism" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at Exhibitionism">Exhibitionism</a></span> (G):</strong> Showing off the qualities they perceive as being positive.</p> <p><strong>6. Authoritativeness (G):</strong> Seeming to be the expert on everything.</p> <p><strong>7. <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/sensation-seeking" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at Thrill-seeking">Thrill-seeking</a></span> (G):</strong> Deriving pleasure from taking risks.</p> <p><strong>8. Grandiose <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/fantasies" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at fantasies">fantasies</a></span> (G):</strong> Seeing themselves as excelling at everything they do.</p> <p><strong>9. <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/pessimism" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at Cynicism">Cynicism</a></span>/distrust (V):</strong> Being unable to show <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/religion" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at faith">faith</a></strong></span> in others.</p> <p><strong>10. Manipulativeness (G):</strong> Trying to get others to follow their wishes.</p> <p><strong>11. Exploitativeness (G):</strong> Using people for their own purposes.</p> <p><strong>12. Entitlement (G):</strong> Feeling that others owe them something, and being unable to give in return.</p> <p><strong>13. Arrogance (G):</strong> Not believing they should be held accountable for their actions.</p> <p><strong>14. Lack of <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/empathy" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at empathy">empathy</a></span></strong> <strong>(G):</strong> Not caring, or being able to care, about other people’s feelings.</p> <p><strong>15. Acclaim-seeking (G):</strong> Wanting to be recognized by others for their accomplishments.</p> <p>Now that you can see the breakdown of the two subsets of narcissism, you can see how easy it might be to miss people whose narcissism is slightly hidden and perhaps more painful than the narcissism of the grandiose. Even though the grandiose suffer from some illusions about their social success, or perhaps <em>because</em> they do, their difficulties will create fewer personal struggles. You might still like these individuals, but not without some cost to you, especially if you don’t go along with their entitled demands and fantasies of greatness.</p> <p>Oltmanns et. al's findings can provide you with helpful insights as you attempt to navigate the difficult waters of relating to people high in narcissism. If nothing else, these are concrete warning signs you can use to decide whether they’re worth the emotional costs of a relationship.</p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com" target="_blank">Psychology Today.</a></span></strong></em></p>

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9 things narcissists will never tell you about themselves

<p>Everyone knows a narcissist. They could be in your neighbourhood, your workplace, or even your family. But there’s more to these toxic individuals than just a sense of superiority and lack of empathy – you may be surprised to learn the root of their personality flaws lies in their innate insecurity.</p> <p>In his <em>Narcissism Decoded</em> blog on <a rel="noopener" href="https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism-decoded/2017/05/nine-truths-narcissists-will-never-tell-you/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">PsychCentral</span></strong></a>, relationship and family therapist Dr Dan Neuharth has revealed some about narcissists that they’d never admit out loud, and it’ll make you understand them much better. Here are nine things a narcissist thinks, but would never tell you.</p> <p><strong>1. “The truth is whatever I say in the moment.”</strong> – Narcissists make their own reality, and that reality is, “I am right and you are wrong”. They have the uncanny ability to convince people they’re right (even when they’re not) because they portray an air of complete certainty.</p> <p><strong>2. “I love taking credit but I have no interest in taking responsibility.”</strong> – If they’ve done something good (or even just had a small part in something good), they’ll accept all the praise. If they’ve done something bad, however, they’ll shift all the responsibility away from them.</p> <p><strong>3. “I am largely unaware of how my actions affect others.”</strong> – Not only are narcissists blind to their impact on others, but most of the time, they simply don’t care.</p> <p><strong>4. “I have a bottomless hunger for attention and respect.”</strong> – They always have to be the centre of attention, but no amount is enough for them.</p> <p><strong>5. “I consider people disposable.”</strong> – If you no longer have any use or benefit to a narcissist, you will be cast aside. They don’t hesitate to betray, undermine and ignore people they grow to see as useless, and they never regret their cut-throat actions.</p> <p><strong>6. “I seek status, not equality; and victory, not fairness.”</strong> – A narcissist considers themselves to be above everyone else – very few people are on the same level as them. They’ll do anything to win, even if it means breaking the rules.</p> <p><strong>7. “My image is all-important.”</strong> – Like Narcissus before them, narcissists take a lot of pride in looking their best. To them, appearance is more important than substance.</p> <p><strong>8. “I feel entitled to do whatever I want.”</strong> – There’s one rule for the narcissist, and one rule for everyone else. If something serves to benefit them or make them feel good about themselves, they’ll do whatever it takes to get what they want.</p> <p><strong>9. “I am mortally afraid of feeling humiliated.”</strong> – Narcissists can’t stand to be exposed. If you do anything that causes them to reveal their flaws or weaknesses, they will make sure you pay.</p> <p>Have you found these truths to be in keeping with behaviour of narcissists you’ve met? What other tell-tale signs have you discovered? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below.</p>

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Why narcissists are more insecure than you think

<p><em><strong>Nick Haslam is a professor of psychology at the University of Melbourne with a PhD in clinical and social psychology from the University of Pennsylvania.</strong></em></p> <p>Like a grotesque mask reflected in a pool, narcissism has two faces, neither of them attractive. Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-worth, seeing themselves as superior beings who are entitled to special treatment.</p> <p>However they also tend to be thin skinned, reacting angrily when their unique gifts are challenged or ignored.</p> <p>This combination of high but easily undermined self-worth might seem paradoxical. A positively viewed self would be expected to be a happy and secure self. To understand the paradox we need to parse the complexities of self-esteem.</p> <p><strong>Self-esteem</strong></p> <p>The main thrust of early research on self-esteem – the broad positive or negative evaluation of the self – explored the implications of its level.</p> <p>People with higher self-esteem were compared to those with lower, and were generally found to report better life outcomes. High self-esteem people tended to be happier, healthier, more successful in love and work, and more resilient in the face of adversity.</p> <p>On the strength of such findings, self-esteem came to be seen in some circles as a panacea of all manner of personal and social ills. If we could only improve people’s self-esteem, we might remedy their suffering and underachievement.</p> <p>In the 1980s the state of California set up a <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/1986/10/11/us/now-the-california-task-force-to-promote-self-esteem.html" target="_blank">self-esteem task force</a></strong></span> to promote that cause.</p> <p>Unfortunately, the self-esteem bandwagon was sideswiped by some troubling research evidence, presented in an <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://assets.csom.umn.edu/assets/71496.pdf" target="_blank">influential review</a></strong></span> published in 2003. Studies commonly showed that high self-esteem was a consequence or side-effect of life success rather than a cause.</p> <p>Enhancing a person’s self-esteem would therefore no more increase their performance at school or work than applying heat to a light bulb would increase its luminance.</p> <p>In addition, high self-esteem appeared to have some negative implications. For example, people with some forms of high self-esteem are sometimes especially prone to forms of <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.319.3502&amp;rep=rep1&amp;type=pdf" target="_blank">aggression</a></strong></span> and antisocial behaviour.</p> <p><strong>Different forms of high self-esteem</strong></p> <p>One way to reconcile this ambivalent picture of high self-esteem is to recognise that it is not only the level of self-esteem that matters. We also need to consider the consistency and stability of self-esteem.</p> <p>People whose overt self-esteem is high but accompanied by covert self-doubts may be worse off than those whose self-esteem is consistently high. And people whose views of self are dependably positive are likely to be better off than those whose self-views are equally positive on average but oscillate wildly.</p> <p>These two alternative ways of thinking about high self-esteem have been recognised by psychologists as <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://www.sakkyndig.com/psykologi/artvit/jordan2003.pdf" target="_blank">“defensive”</a></strong></span> and <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18447858" target="_blank">“fragile”</a></strong></span> self-esteem, respectively.</p> <p>People with defensive self-esteem evaluate themselves positively by questionnaire, but negatively when their automatic or non conscious self-views are examined. Their positive self-views are inferred to be defences against lurking insecurities.</p> <p>The self-views of people with fragile self-esteem are prone to fluctuate, dropping sharply when they encounter difficulties because their self-worth lacks a firm anchor.</p> <p><strong>Narcissism and self-esteem</strong></p> <p>These two forms of self-esteem help to make sense of narcissism. There is evidence narcissists tend to have higher than average levels of self-esteem, but that these levels are to some degree defensive and fragile.</p> <p>Below the shiny surface of their arrogance and grandiosity, narcissists often view themselves less positively. Their inflated self-image also tends to deflate rapidly when punctured by evidence that other people do not share it.</p> <p>The dynamics of self-esteem among narcissists are well illustrated in a <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/304135726_Puffed-Up_But_Shaky_Selves_State_Self-Esteem_Level_and_Variability_in_Narcissists" target="_blank">recently published study</a></strong></span> by a team of German and Dutch psychologists. The researchers examined the facets of narcissism and linked them to the level and stability of self-esteem in a series of laboratory and field studies.</p> <p>The studies spring from a model that distinguishes two key components of narcissism. “Narcissistic admiration” refers to assertive self-promotion of a grandiose self-image. People high on this component may be charming, but it is a charm that gradually loses its lustre as the person’s unquenchable appetite for admiration becomes apparent to others.</p> <p>In contrast, “narcissistic rivalry” is the tendency to react antagonistically to perceived threats to the narcissist’s egotism. People high on this component are fiercely competitive and prone to denigrate those who challenge their sense of superiority.</p> <p>The two components are only moderately related, so narcissistic people may be substantially higher on one than the other.</p> <p>The researchers found that admiration and rivalry had quite different associations with self-esteem. People high on admiration tended to report high levels of self-esteem and average degrees of stability. Those high on rivalry, in contrast, reported average levels of self-esteem but high degrees of instability.</p> <p>By implication, narcissists scoring high on both admiration and rivalry would show the familiar toxic combination of high but fragile self-esteem.</p> <p>In one of the researchers’ three studies, for example, a large sample of students reported their levels of self-esteem on a daily basis over a two-week period. People who reported higher average levels of self-esteem scored high on admiration and low on rivalry. Those whose levels of self-esteem varied widely from day to day scored high on rivalry.</p> <p>In addition, when self-esteem dropped from one report to the next, these drops were greater among people high in rivalry. A follow up study showed that these people were especially likely to experience drops in their self-esteem on days when they felt less liked by their peers. A perceived lack of social inclusion is particularly bruising to the self-esteem of people who see others as threats to their sense of superiority.</p> <p>This research shows that narcissism is not a unitary phenomenon. In the words of the researchers, it involves a self that is “puffed-up but shaky”. Such a self may be unpleasant to others, but it is fundamentally a vulnerable self.</p> <p><em>Written by Nick Haslam. First appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">The Conversation</span></strong></a>. </em><img width="1" height="1" src="https://counter.theconversation.edu.au/content/76678/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-advanced" alt="The Conversation"/></p>

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How to tell if someone is a narcissist with one simple question

<p>Narcissism is a personality disorder that is characterised by a preoccupation with one’s own image, and a need for admiration from others. They tend not to understand other people’s feelings, and seek personal gratification at any cost.</p> <p>If you know someone who displays these traits, you may have wondered if they could be officially defined as a narcissist. But you don’t need them to fill out a questionnaire in order to define them. The easiest way to find out is just to go ahead and ask them.</p> <p>In a <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0103469">study published</a></strong></span> in the journal PLOS ONE in 2014, researchers found that you can ask one simple question to work out whether you are dating a narcissist.</p> <p>All you need to ask is ‘To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement: I am a narcissist.’ The researchers suggest that you can also give them a helpful definition of narcissism, which apparently helps them to identify their behaviour as such. So you could add that ‘the word ‘narcissist’ means egotistical, self-focused, and vain.’</p> <p>The way that a narcissist views the world means that they are more likely to say that they do agree with this, as they don’t see that this behaviour is negative.</p> <p>The research backs it up by showing the results were the same when cross checked with longer surveys to determine narcissism (such as a ten or even forty question surveys that exist to find the same result). The results mean that the one-question survey can be used when time is an issue or the number of questions is limited. Ideal for data analysts, but also very useful for everyday folk that want to know whether someone is worth spending any more time with.</p> <p>Have you got anyone in mind that you would like to ask this question?</p> <p><strong>Related links:</strong></p> <p><a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2016/04/ways-stress-is-good-for-you/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>5 ways stress can work for you</strong></em></span></a></p> <p><a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2017/01/getting-distracted-in-old-age-is-a-good-thing/%20"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>Getting distracted in old age is a good thing</strong></em></span></a></p> <p><a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2016/12/quick-easy-ways-to-boost-your-mood/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>5 quick and easy ways to boost your mood</strong></em></span></a></p>

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