Relationships

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Is love losing its soul in the digital age?

<p>Instagram users have taken to issuing “weekiversary posts,” where they diligently mark the duration of their romances. <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/24/opinion/sunday/relationships-love-instagram.html">An article</a> in The New York Times explained how weekiversary posts have the unintended – or very much intended – consequence of shaming people who are not in love.</p> <p>The article also noted that this phenomenon <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/24/opinion/sunday/relationships-love-instagram.html">makes some doubt</a> the intensity of their own relationship. They wonder why their partners are not similarly starry-eyed and gushing online. Some even admitted that this phenomenon prompted them to stay in relationships longer than they should have: they go on celebrating their weekiversaries, just to keep up appearances.</p> <p>In truth, this could apply to any of the social media platforms, where people increasingly feel the need to act their lives in real time in a public format, documenting every event and incident, no matter how remarkable or mundane.</p> <p>As a <a href="https://yalebooks.yale.edu/book/9780300208931/do-guns-make-us-free">philosopher</a> researching the topic of privacy, I found myself thinking about the brave new culture of digital sharing.</p> <p>What does it say about love, that many are compelled to live their romances aloud, in detailed fashion?</p> <h2>Why display your love?</h2> <p>On one hand, there is nothing new here. Most of us seek the approval of others – even before our own, sometimes. Others’ approval, or their envy, makes our joy sweeter.</p> <p>Philosopher <a href="https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/rousseau/">Jean Jacques Rousseau</a> recognized something like this when he distinguished between “amour de soi” and “amour propre” – <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=n0tdG2qZFJUC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=rousseau+second+discourse&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjZ2J-3sazgAhUPTt8KHQRbDNAQ6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&amp;q=rousseau%20second%20discourse&amp;f=false">two different forms of self love</a>. The former is love that is instinctual and not self-reflective. Rousseau sees it in presocial man, who is unconcerned with what other people think of him. Largely, he loves himself unconditionally, without judgment.</p> <p>Society, which complicates our lives irredeemably, introduces amour propre. This is self-love mediated through the eyes and opinions of others. Amour propre, in Rousseau’s view, is deeply flawed. It is hollow, flimsy, if not downright fraudulent. The opinions and judgment of others change rapidly and do not make for a firm foundation for honest, enduring, confident self-love and any emotions related to or rooted in it.</p> <p>This suggests an unflattering view of weekiversary posts. Are they just one’s way of satiating the need for amour propre – meeting the approval, and stoking the envy of online witnesses? Are they for one’s lover at all? Or, are they for public affirmation?</p> <h2>Curating our life stories</h2> <p>Is there a more positive way to make sense of weekiversary posts?</p> <p>Philosopher <a href="https://www.biography.com/people/paul-ricoeur-9458208">Paul Ricoeur</a> argued that humans have an inherent need to view their lives <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=5h9lJLdjoBwC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=ricoeur+time+and+narrative+volume&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwif8fGbsqzgAhUlh-AKHbpZDS8Q6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&amp;q=ricoeur%20time%20and%20narrative%20volume&amp;f=false">in a narrative fashion</a>. This is a prime way in which a person makes sense of his or her world.</p> <p>Specifically, one aims to project a narrative structure onto life, and give it a beginning, a climax and, hopefully, a fitting conclusion. The individual also wishes to situate his life story within a greater narrative, be it social, historical or cosmic.</p> <p>Social media, I believe, gives us newfound powers to curate the story of our lives, and if need be, change characters, dominant plot lines or background themes, how and when we like. In documenting everyday events and occurrences, we could even elevate them and lend them a degree of significance.</p> <p>So, it might seem perfectly natural that people would like to narrate their budding romances.</p> <p>I am now long and happily married, but I remember how first love is both exhilarating and confusing. It’s a mess of emotions to work out and understand. Among the many mixed messages issued by family, society and the media, it is often difficult to know how best to navigate romance and determine if you are doing things right – or if you have found “the one.”</p> <p>In fact, I sought to get a handle on it all by writing down my many thoughts. This helped give me clarity. It objectified my thoughts – I literally projected them on paper before me, and could better understand which were more resonant, powerful and pressing.</p> <h2>Love and insecurity</h2> <p>Social media, on the other hand, is not designed for introspection or soul-searching: Posts must be relatively short, eye-catching and declarative. Twitter emissions only tolerate 280 characters.</p> <p>Ambiguity has no place there. Social media isn’t the place to hash through a host of conflicting emotions. You are either in love, or you are not – and if you are in love, why declare it if it isn’t blissful?</p> <p>As Facebook discovered, negative posts tend to lose followers – and many people <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/30/technology/facebook-tinkers-with-users-emotions-in-news-feed-experiment-stirring-outcry.html">want to keep up their viewership</a>. The legal scholar <a href="https://www.law.columbia.edu/faculty/bernard-harcourt">Bernard Harcourt</a> argues that social media sharing <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=ymouCwAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=bernard+harcourt&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwiHl7q4sqzgAhWHm-AKHdmzADIQ6AEINDAC#v=onepage&amp;q=bernard%20harcourt&amp;f=false">evokes the great American tradition of entrepreneurship</a>. From this perspective, in issuing weekiversary posts, individuals are creating an identity and a story – they are generating a brand that they can market widely.</p> <p>It’s hard to see how this phenomenon contributes to or makes for lasting and fulfilling relationships. If, for example, as Ricoeur says, social media effusions are an attempt to elevate the mundane, the simple, the everyday, and lend it special meaning, it begs the question: Why might one feel the need to do this repeatedly, persistently?</p> <p>I would argue that it betrays an air of insecurity. After all, at some point, all the affirmation one needs should come from your lover.</p> <h2>True love</h2> <p>There is an understandable need for young lovers to pronounce their joy in public. But love, when it matures, does not live publicly.</p> <p>Loving couples are not necessarily easy to pick out in public. I think of my parents, and my in-laws, married for nearly 50 years. They can sit with each other in comfortable silence for long periods of time. They can also communicate with each other without saying a word.</p> <p>Love is largely a private relationship, and demands intimacy. Only in intimacy does the inherent ambiguity or complexity of love emerge. Only in intimacy are you and your partner fully seen and known, with all your shortcomings or contradictions – and they are forgiven.</p> <p>It is in these intimate moments that lovers learn to tolerate ambiguity, negotiate differences and endure.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/110686/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em>Written by <span>Firmin DeBrabander, Professor of Philosophy, Maryland Institute College of Art</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/is-love-losing-its-soul-in-the-digital-age-110686" target="_blank"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em></p>

Relationships

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Why we’re more likely to date someone who has an ex

<p>Most people would agree choosing “the right” partner is fairly important, and a bad selection in this area can be devastating. Most people want to attract a partner, and this involves a combination of self-promotion, and taking down the competition in order to appear to be “the right” partner. Some of our efforts are <a href="http://socialethology.com/tactics-of-female-aggression">conscious and some are unconscious</a>.</p> <p><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24907050">Research has found</a> people with relationship experience, all else being equal, tend to be more romantically desirable than people without relationship experience. In other words, people are attracted to others who have already been “pre-selected” (or pre-approved). We call this phenomenon “mate copying”.</p> <p>Mate copying can be thought of as purchasing a product (a romantic partner) after seeing others (former partners) “use” it. By virtue of having been in a relationship, an individual is communicating they have “desirable” romantic characteristics (these have appealed to at least one person previously) and you can be confident there is something about them that is appealing.</p> <h2>Do men and women mate copy?</h2> <p>In a sense the previous partners of a person are “endorsing” them, or attesting to their romantic competence. By doing so, they are indirectly offering relevant information about the person.</p> <p>But why might this be useful? Well, if you are going to make an important decision (who to partner) you generally want a fair bit of relevant information. Knowing someone else has been chosen before is additional relevant information that will help you make your decision.</p> <p>But there is a sex-difference here, and it essentially comes down to biology. There is <a href="http://public.wsu.edu/%7Etaflinge/socsex.html">plenty of literature</a> supporting the idea men are largely attracted by physical qualities (physical beauty, youthfulness).</p> <p>Women, however, are generally attracted to <a href="http://public.wsu.edu/%7Etaflinge/socsex.html">less observable characteristics</a> (social dominance, kindness). Where men can get a fair bit of mate-relevant information from simple observation of a potential partner, women can’t, and are encouraged to look for additional information. One cheap source is knowing what other women think of a man, specifically, whether or not he is considered a good romantic prospect.</p> <p>While some researchers have found <a href="http://www.ehbonline.org/article/S1090-5138(07)00121-3/abstract">evidence of mate copying in men</a>, there is a fair bit of literature suggesting the phenomenon is <a href="http://www.sekj.org/PDF/anzf47/anzf47-149.pdf">quite a bit stronger among women</a>.</p> <p>One reason for this is men don’t get as much out of mate copying as women do. The information gains men achieve by knowing what other men think about a woman are marginal.</p> <h2>Being in a relationship is attractive … or is it?</h2> <p>Although you may not have heard of “mate copying”, you may have heard of “the wedding ring effect”. This broadly describes the popular(ish) belief that wearing a wedding ring makes a man desirable, because he has obviously won the romantic favour of at least one opposite-sex person (his wife), and he is willing to commit.</p> <p>Given indicating a willingness to commit makes a man <a href="https://english.alphafm.org/document/the-wedding-ring-effect-revisited-steve-manna-a--5416843">very attractive</a>, and considering he is conveying a lot of positive characteristics (he’s likely a good partner, he’s willing to commit), the persistence of this belief is not surprising.</p> <p>However, <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226009484_Human_mate_choice_and_the_wedding_ring_effect">evidence doesn’t support</a> the idea married men are more desirable than single men. A big reason for this is married individuals are so much harder to attract and/or date than single individuals. Also, there are some strong moral proscriptions against <a href="http://dspace.stir.ac.uk/handle/1893/10789#.WA2Tism4t5c">pursuing a married person</a>.</p> <h2>It’s not all about quantity</h2> <p>One of the interesting things about mate copying is that, like with many things, quality is more important than quantity. It’s known a man is much more desirable if his female partner (current or former) <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26181063">is highly attractive</a> (than if she is less attractive). But we also know that while a moderate amount of relationship experience makes a man more desirable than if he has none, too much makes him really undesirable.</p> <p><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24907050">A study I co-authored</a> looked at how romantically desirable a man was perceived to be, as a function of how many partners he’d had in the past four years. Men with one or two previous partners were far more desirable than men with none, but men with five were far less desirable than any of these.</p> <p>This non-linear relationship might seem curious – if a bit of relationship experience is desirable, wouldn’t a lot of experience be really desirable? Well, no, and the reason probably has something to do with promiscuity.</p> <p>While having had five or more previous partners is certainly far from unheard of, it may indicate the person can’t or won’t maintain a relationship for long. Maybe they have trouble committing, or maybe they are more interested in quantity. Whatever the case, they are indicating undesirable relationship qualities.</p> <p>Mate copying among nonhumans has received a lot of attention in the past several decades, with <a href="http://www.bioone.org/doi/abs/10.5735/086.048.0202">numerous authors finding evidence</a> for it in aquatic, avian and terrestrial animals. While enquiry into the existence of the phenomenon among humans began far more recently, preliminary evidence suggests it definitely exists and is an extremely powerful attraction force.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/67367/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em>Written by <span>Ryan Anderson, PhD candidate, James Cook University and David Mitchell, Deputy Head and Lecturer in the Discipline of Psychology, James Cook University</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/why-were-more-likely-to-date-someone-who-has-an-ex-67367" target="_blank"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em></p>

Relationships

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Former aide reveals Princess Margaret and the Queen Mother’s “strained relationship”

<p>While it may seem as though the details of the Royal Family’s life is information readily available at the public’s disposal, it can be difficult to<span> </span><em>really<span> </span></em>know what goes on behind closed doors. </p> <p>However, it has become a custom for a former employee or insider to come forward with interesting information we might not have guessed without their stories or experiences.</p> <p>This has been the case with Queen Elizabeth’s longtime dresser, Angela Kelly, and more recently Lady Anne Glenconner in her new memoir. </p> <p>Glenconner served as a lady-in-waiting to Princess Margaret for many years and developed a close relationship, she described in<span> </span><em>Lady in Waiting: My Extraordinary Life in the Shadow of the Crown. </em></p> <p>In her own words, Glenconner described personal experiences and interactions she shared serving under and alongside the Royal Family. </p> <p>In the memoir, the former lady-in-waiting spoke on Princess Margaret and the Queen Mother, who buy her own accounts, “had a slightly strained relationship.”</p> <p>"Those weekends at Royal Lodge were always fun, despite the bouts of bickering between the Queen Mother and Princess Margaret,” she said, per<span> </span><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.express.co.uk/news/royal/1203465/lady-glenconner-princess-margaret-queen-mother-strained-relationship-spt" target="_blank"><em>Express</em></a></p> <p>"One would do things like open all the windows, only for the other to go around shutting them. Or one would suggest an idea and the other would dismiss it immediately."</p> <p>Glenconner speculated they didn’t get along all the time because they might have been “too similar.”</p> <p>“...I don’t think it is an unusual predicament for a mother and daughter," she wrote. </p> <p>Referring to the family’s loss of King George VI, and the “figurative” loss of Queen Elizabeth, who assumed the throne after her father died, Glenconner said: "And while they had been part of a foursome originally, they were left as the spare pair, to a certain extent."</p> <p>The former royal employee also wrote about a conversation she shared with Princess Margaret. </p> <p>After noting the royal looked upset at her sister’s coronation, the Princess replied: "Of course I looked sad, Anne. </p> <p>“I had just lost my beloved father and, really, I had just lost my sister, because she was going to be so busy and had already moved to Buckingham Palace, so it was just me and the Queen Mother."</p> <p>Scroll through the gallery to see Princess Margaret with the Queen Mother throughout the years of their life.</p>

Relationships

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Duchess Kate’s gracious tumble! Royal shares a sweet moment with Prince William

<p>It seems even the future Queen isn’t immune to a little rough and stumble every now and again. </p> <p>The Duke and Duchess of Camrbidge attended an event on Tuesday to celebrate six months since the launch of<span> </span><em>Shout,<span> </span></em>a service which offers free and confidential mental health support via text message. </p> <p>The event also paid tribute to the staff members delivering the service all over the UK. </p> <p>However there was a certain misstep by the Duchess that royal fans couldn’t help but notice. </p> <p>When Prince William gestures to his wife to take the seat closest to the sidewalk, the royal accidentally tripped, as seen in footage captured by the Daily Mail. </p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr">Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, wore the perfect fall outfit to attend the Shout Crisis Volunteer celebration in London today with Prince William. <a href="https://t.co/2FueS65KHZ">pic.twitter.com/2FueS65KHZ</a></p> — InStyle (@InStyle) <a href="https://twitter.com/InStyle/status/1194278861468508164?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 12, 2019</a></blockquote> <p>The Duke appears to snap into action, however the moment was quickly regained by the royal who displayed her infectious smile and fixed her footing, before getting into the vehicle alongside her husband. </p> <p>The Duchess wore a stylish jacket by Smythe and red wine trousers by Joseph while honouring volunteers for<span> </span><em>Shout</em>. </p> <p>The occasion also gives staffers - who work from home - an opportunity to meet their colleagues across the groundbreaking network. </p> <p>“They are so lovely,” Nancy Lublin, co-founder and CEO of Crisis Text Line, told<span> </span><a rel="noopener" href="https://people.com/" target="_blank"><em>PEOPLE. </em></a></p> <p>“It’s amazing how much he knows about the service.”</p> <p>“And he reiterated that his plan is to train and become a crisis counselor,” she added. </p> <p>“When you’re really busy, and/or really famous, it’s very hard to volunteer. It what’s nice about this — it’s totally anonymous. He could be the guy at the end of the phone.”</p> <p>About 600 conversations take place on the service each day. Three-quarters of those who contact Shout are under 25, and the most frequent subjects raised in those conversations are suicide (37%), depression (36%), relationships (29%), anxiety (31%), isolation (19%) and self-harm (17%), the service says.</p> <p>Scroll through the gallery to see Duchess Kate’s stylish outfit while meeting with Shout volunteers. </p>

Relationships

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How do we choose a partner?

<p>We know a lot about why people choose different brands of dishwashing detergent, because companies spend billions of dollars investigating who buys what. But when it comes to the processes behind perhaps our most significant life choice – choosing a romantic partner – science knows surprisingly little.</p> <p>One reason partner choice is hard to understand is because it’s a two-way street. A person can choose any dishwashing detergent they like, because the detergent has no choice in the matter, but choosing a partner doesn’t work that way. We need to understand not only what kind of people person A prefers, but also what kind of people prefer person A, how those two groups overlap, the influence of other competitors trying to elbow in on person A’s turf, and so on. It’s all very complex.</p> <p>So let’s start simple(ish). Accordingly, I’ll focus on Western heterosexuals, on whom most of the research has been done.</p> <p><strong>What everyone wants</strong></p> <p>There’s nothing that everyone wants in a partner – everyone has their own idiosyncratic preferences – but there are characteristics most men or women find attractive.</p> <p>As depressing as it is, a big part of romance and attraction is physical. It’s not just that everyone’s a unique snowflake destined to find their special complementary snowflake. Different people tend to agree a fair bit about who is more and less physically attractive, which sadly means there are haves and have-nots in the looks lottery.</p> <p>Body-wise,<span> </span><a href="http://dfred.bol.ucla.edu/FrederickHaselton-2007-PSPB-MuscularityFitnessIndicator.pdf">women tend to prefer taller men</a><span> </span>with a high shoulder-to-hip ratio (V-shape), and who are muscular (but not too muscular).</p> <p>Men’s preferences, on the other hand, are dominated by a<span> </span><a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1740144507000769">strong predilection for slimness</a><span> </span>(though not ultra-thinness). Much has been made of men’s apparent attraction to low waist-to-hip ratios (hourglass figures), but<span> </span><a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19013182">more recent research</a><span> </span>suggests it is just a byproduct of slim women tending to have low waist-to-hip ratios.</p> <p>Public dismay about society’s heavy emphasis on beauty tends to focus on body image issues, but<span> </span><a href="http://www.alittlelab.stir.ac.uk/pubs/Currie&amp;Little_09_facevsbody_EHB.pdf">research suggests</a><span> </span>a person’s face is even more important to overall attractiveness. This might sound nice, but isn’t really when you consider it’s harder to change a face than a body.</p> <p>Both men and women tend to prefer geometrically average faces (that is, faces close to the shape of the average face for their gender, as opposed to distinctive faces).</p> <p>People also tend to prefer left-right symmetrical faces, but this aspect of beauty is often oversold. Symmetry has only a tiny impact on facial attractiveness,<span> </span><a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0001691809000407">accounting for only around 1%</a><span> </span>of the total variation. So don’t worry too much about your wonky nostril or huge left eye or whatever.</p> <p>Men also prefer feminine female faces. This typically means, for example, big eyes and a small chin – think Miranda Kerr.</p> <p>Strangely, women don’t tend to prefer masculine male faces: on average they show no strong preference either way. If anything, they prefer more feminine male faces, thus your Biebers and your Depps being international sex symbols.</p> <p>It’s not all about looks, of course. Both men and women say they’d prefer a kind and intelligent partner. And<span> </span><a href="http://www.ehbonline.org/article/S1090-5138(05)00076-0/abstract">both sexes like a good sense of humour</a>. But there’s a catch: women want a man who is funny, while men prefer a woman who finds<span> </span><em>them</em><span> </span>funny.</p> <p><strong>Individual preferences</strong></p> <p>There is plenty of individuality in preferences as well, some of which is based on the extent to which we<span> </span><em>value</em><span> </span>different traits in a partner. Few women prefer narrow shoulders on a man, but plenty don’t place much importance on shoulder width. Instead they see nice eyes, brains or jokes as more important.</p> <p>So what causes individuals to differ in the traits they value more and less?</p> <p>My colleagues and I studied thousands of genetically identical and nonidentical twins who ranked 13 traits (such as physical attractiveness, kindness, intelligence) in terms of their importance in a partner.</p> <p>We found that the genetically identical twin pairs had more similar rankings than genetically nonidentical twins. This implies that genes influence people’s preference rankings.</p> <p>We’ve shown a similar thing with specific physical preferences, too, such as whether you prefer beard or clean-shaven, tall or short,<span> </span><a href="http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0049294">long hair or short hair</a>, or whether you tend to prefer<span> </span><a href="http://pss.sagepub.com/content/early/2015/08/06/0956797615591770.abstract">digitally masculinised or feminised facial photos</a>. All these preferences are more similar in genetically identical twin pairs than in nonidentical twin pairs, again implying genetic influence on our individual preferences.</p> <p><strong>Actual partner choices</strong></p> <p>So how do these genetically influenced preferences translate into who actually partners with whom?</p> <p>Since identical twins have similar partner preferences, we’d expect them to have similar partners as well, right? Well, they don’t – at least not in any meaningful way<span> </span><a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21508607">that my colleagues and I could detect</a><span> </span>among thousands of twins and their partners.</p> <p>This means there’s a lot of mismatched partners.</p> <p>If this mismatch between genetically influenced preferences and actual partners emerged only in humans, we might wonder if modern society has somehow divorced our partner choices from our inherited preferences. However, the same pattern of results<span> </span><a href="http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v441/n7089/abs/nature04564.html">has been observed in species of birds</a><span> </span>that, like humans,<span> </span><a href="http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0013855">form pair bonds</a>.</p> <p>So what’s the deal with the mismatch? Well, this is an open scientific question, but it probably boils down to the fact we can’t all get what we want. For one thing, most of us don’t meet enough people to find someone who fulfils all of our preferences. So right away we’re dealing with the best of the available, rather than a perfect match.</p> <p>But what are the chances that the best of the available will be interested in us anyway, with our wonky nostril and obvious character flaws?</p> <p>And then there are those other guys or gals with preferences similar to ours, trying to get in on this action as well, telling better jokes at Friday drinks and generally leaving us for dead.</p> <p>So we settle for someone who doesn’t really match our preferences too well, but is basically alright, we suppose. Hopefully.</p> <p>This must be part of the reason relationships are hard and often stressful. The consequences of mismatch between preferences and actual partners aren’t well studied in humans, but in finches females paired with a non-preferred partner<span> </span><a href="http://rspb.royalsocietypublishing.org/content/early/2011/01/25/rspb.2010.2672">were found to have stress hormone levels</a><span> </span>three times higher than those paired with a preferred partner.</p> <p>Judging by the amount of relationship dysfunction and breakdown in our society (<a href="http://www.formerministers.dss.gov.au/15362/economic-value-of-marriage-family-and-relationship-breakdown/">estimated to cost A$14 billion per year</a><span> </span>in Australia), this phenomenon probably isn’t limited to birds.</p> <p>So it would be great to see more studies about the process of partner selection, what causes partners to match or not, and the consequences of mismatch. There’s so much we don’t understand, and the immense complexity of the process makes the search for answers both intimidating and exciting. Much like the search for a partner, I guess.</p> <p><em>Written by <span class="fn author-name">Brendan Zietsch</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a rel="noopener" href="http://theconversation.com/how-do-we-choose-a-partner-58217" target="_blank"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em></p>

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Terri Irwin’s hilarious tweet to Bindi about Chandler Powell

<p>There’s something about parents trolling their kids online that’s entertaining to watch, and this week, Terri Irwin took home the prize.</p> <p>On November 10, Bindi Irwin tweeted a photograph of her fiancée, Chandler Powell holding a snake, where she captioned it: “Can’t wait to marry this guy”.</p> <p>Her mum was quick to respond, replying with “I’m assuming you’re marrying the one on the right”.</p> <p>Terri’s tweet has been liked over 155,000 times and retweeted over 10,000.</p> <p>“Chandler and I can’t stop laughing,” replied Bindi. “I love you SO MUCH”.</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/B4s5d9FBIbL/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;"><a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B4s5d9FBIbL/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">I have the greatest Mum on the planet. Still laughing at her tweet... ❤️</a></p> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/bindisueirwin/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank"> Bindi Irwin</a> (@bindisueirwin) on Nov 10, 2019 at 2:23pm PST</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Chandler also addressed the tweet, saying “I got so lucky with the best mother-in-law in the world!”.</p> <p>The photo was liked over 16,000 times with over 250 retweets and hundreds of comments from people commending the mum-of-two for her witty comment.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet tw-align-center" data-lang="en-gb"> <p dir="ltr">I got so lucky with the best mother in law in the world! 😁</p> — Chandler Powell (@chandlerpowell9) <a href="https://twitter.com/chandlerpowell9/status/1193372675332161536?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">10 November 2019</a></blockquote> <p>“Haha Terri, we all thought the same,” one person replied, while others said they loved the classic “mum” humour.</p> <p>Bindi and Chandler announced their engagement on her 21st birthday in July. A date hasn’t been set yet for the wedding.</p>

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“I was trafficked to Prince Andrew”: Jeffrey Epstein’s victim comes out with explosive claims

<p>The extent of billionaire Jeffrey Epstein’s international sex-trafficking ring has been exposed in a<span> </span><em>60 Minutes</em><span> </span>investigation, after intense allegations came out against some of the world’s most rich and powerful people – extending all the way to the British Royal family.</p> <p>In the exclusive episode, those who managed to escape Epstein’s dark and insidious world exposed the entire plot that they fell victim to – and named the elite abusers they want brought to justice.</p> <p>At just 17-years-old, Virginia Roberts Giuffre was lured into Epstein’s sex trafficking ring and came face-to-face with her abuser: Prince Andrew, the Duke of York.</p> <p>Prince Andrew has denied all allegations and said he had no knowledge of Epstein’s activities and was not involved in his sex ring.</p> <p>But Virginia stands by her claims and says that she has undeniable evidence to prove that the sexual encounter occurred – a disturbing photo taken only moments before she was first trafficked to Andrew.</p> <p>The photograph in question was taken in 2001 and shows the Prince with his arms around the then 17-year-old Virginia in London. But despite Virginia insisting the photo is real, Prince Andrew has claimed that it’s fake.</p> <p>“That is Andrew, this is a real photo,” Virginia told<span> </span><em>60 Minutes</em><span> </span>reporter Tara Brown.</p> <p>“[The] photo has been verified as an original and it’s been given to the FBI, and they’ve never contested that it’s a fake. I know it’s real.”</p> <p>According to Virginia, she was trafficked to Prince Andrew three times – first at a party in London, again in Jeffrey’s New York mansion and finally on Epstein’s private island in the Caribbean, where she spoke about the eight other women who were stuck in the same situation as her.</p> <p>“There were a lot of younger girls with us,” she told Brown.</p> <p>“You’re not even acknowledged as being alive or there, or important or cared for, or worried about in any way. None of those human emotions were attached to me when I was trafficked to Prince Andrew.”</p> <p>Epstein would lure young, impressionable women with the promise of a better life, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.</p> <p>In a perverted pyramid scheme, where he and co-conspirator Ghislaine Maxwell would recruit girls as young as 12 and abuse them, the victims would be forced to have sex with Epstein’s wealthy associates.</p> <p>“I was trafficked to other billionaires, I was trafficked to politicians, professors even royalty,” she told<span> </span><em>60 Minutes.</em></p> <p>“It was the elite of the world. It was the people who run the world. It was the most powerful people in the world.”</p> <p>Now she’s working alongside lawyer David Boeis to hold Prince Andrew and the other alleged perpetrators accountable for their actions.</p>

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Is your lover insecure?

<p>Loving an insecure person can be frustrating. You always feel like you have to offer praise or reassurance. Not only can that be exhausting, but in trying to do what you think is helpful, you might actually be making matters worse.</p> <p>When people with insecurities hear something good about themselves, <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2016.05.003">they tend to doubt or even dismiss it, as much research shows</a>. This means, quite perplexingly, that hearing positive feedback can often raise their anxieties, because it may clash with the more pessimistic views they hold of themselves.</p> <p>Insecure people may wonder whether their partner truly knows them, or worry that they cannot live up to the partner’s expectations. At times, praise can even lead their minds to argue back; it can trigger unfavourable thoughts about themselves that contradict the praise.</p> <p>What can loving partners do instead? Try conveying genuine curiosity, rather than compliments. Asking a simple question — “How was your day?” — can show concern without triggering a negative self-assessment.</p> <p>At the University of Waterloo, we recently conducted a series of studies showing that asking this simple question can make insecure people feel cared for. We <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2019.03.003">ran two survey studies</a> involving 359 adults (aged 18 to 66) across the United States who were in romantic relationships.</p> <p><strong>Fly under their insecure radar</strong></p> <p>To determine our research participants’ level of security and trust in their partner’s love, we gave them a questionnaire assessing how confident they were that their partner loves them, is committed to them and will be responsive to them in times of need. Another questionnaire tapped into their relationship satisfaction.</p> <p>In two studies, we found that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2019.03.003">the satisfaction reported by those who usually felt more insecure in their relationships actually increased when their partners asked them about their day</a>.</p> <p>For people higher in security, who were already high in relationship satisfaction, being asked “How was your day?” was rarely the boost that it was for people lower in security.</p> <p>Why is asking “How was your day?” effective? We anticipated that this expression of interest, if it is genuine, signals caring.</p> <p>To test the idea, we conducted another study. Participants read a scenario in which a couple, Mike and Sarah, had a pleasant, brief conversation after Sarah arrived home from work. Participants in one group read that during that conversation, Mike asked Sarah about her day. Participants in a second group were not given this detail.</p> <p>Those who read that Mike asked Sarah about her day predicted that Sarah felt more cared for than participants who were not given this detail. The benefit did not derive from Sarah describing her day; when participants read a scenario about Sarah describing her day, even though Mike had not asked, participants thought Sarah would not feel as cared for as when Mike asked her directly.</p> <p>We suspect that this care signal works especially well for people low in security because it is subtle and nonthreatening. It does not make them question why a partner is asking or whether they deserve it. Thus, asking about a partner’s day may fly under the insecure person’s radar.</p> <p><strong>Curiosity more effective than praise</strong></p> <p>There is nothing special about the four words, “How was your day?” Rather, showing genuine interest is special.</p> <p>In a final study, we brought 162 romantic couples (undergraduates or from the community, between 17 and 47 years of age) into the laboratory and separated them, ostensibly to work on different tasks.</p> <p>We led participants to believe that their partner had written a note to them. In one group, the partners simply described their own experiences, whereas in the other group, partners described their own experiences, but also asked, “How did your task go? Did you enjoy it?”</p> <p>Partners lower in security who received the note that asked about their experiences felt more cared for by their partners than those who were not asked. In contrast, for people higher in security, being asked did not matter. We suspect that people high in security don’t need the signal of interest to feel valued.</p> <p>We’re not suggesting you should stop praising your insecure partner altogether. The complete absence of praise could be harmful, especially if your partner asks for praise or reassurance. But praise may not accomplish what you want it to. Don’t count on reassurance to convince your partner that you care.</p> <p>Instead, show interest in him or her by asking, “How was your day?” Showing attention and interest in someone, especially in a society as filled with distractions as ours, can be the most important signal of caring there is.</p> <p><em>Written by <span>Joanne Wood, Professor of Psychology, University of Waterloo and Kassandra Cortes, Assistant Professor, Lazaridis School of Business and Economics, Wilfrid Laurier University</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/is-your-lover-insecure-a-simple-question-could-transform-your-romantic-relationship-125868" target="_blank"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p>

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Cricket world reacts to hilarious wedding photo

<p>The cricket world has reacted to a hilarious moment taken on the night of a bride and grooms wedding night. </p> <p>While marriage is about the celebration of true love, it seems the bride played second fiddle to her husband’s one true passion on their special evening. </p> <p>Living in America poses its own challenges as Tasleem is forced to watch his favourite sport, cricket, at odd hours in the day, and said that if the opportunity arrives to watch the game, he takes it - even if the sport interrupts what should be the most special day of his life. </p> <p>The newly married hubby sent a snap of he and his wife to the International Cricket Council (ICC), where he reflected on the moment he came home from his wedding procession to find out Pakistan was playing Australia in the first game of their three-match T20 series at the SCG on the weekend. </p> <p>As a prolific fan of the game, there was no other option than to sit down with his new wife and watch the match. </p> <p>“Hello, as a diehard cricket fan, I wanted to submit a photo from my wedding this past weekend,” Tasleem wrote in his letter to the ICC. </p> <p>“As per tradition, after the completion of the wedding the bride is brought back home for a little traditional welcoming ceremony amongst the close family.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr">Here's a message we got from a fan in the US 👫<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/CoupleGoals?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#CoupleGoals</a><br /><br />You know it's love when ... <a href="https://t.co/4YuGImuXjW">pic.twitter.com/4YuGImuXjW</a></p> — ICC (@ICC) <a href="https://twitter.com/ICC/status/1191996145536524288?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 6, 2019</a></blockquote> <p>“As we came home (around midnight in Detroit, Michigan, USA) the Pakistan vs Australia T20 game was getting underway.</p> <p>“Over the years residing in North America I’ve stayed up at all sorts of odd hours of night to catch Team Pakistan play.</p> <p>“Even though it was my wedding night, I wasn’t going to miss this game.”</p> <p>Australian skipper Aaron French found the post hilarious, and couldn’t help but acknowledge how funny it was he took centre stage during the couple’s wedding. </p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr">Haha glad I played such a special part in your day!! 😂😂<br />Take note <a href="https://twitter.com/_AmyFinch?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@_AmyFinch</a> <a href="https://t.co/MbG4YGJad8">https://t.co/MbG4YGJad8</a></p> — Aaron Finch (@AaronFinch5) <a href="https://twitter.com/AaronFinch5/status/1192027437669830656?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 6, 2019</a></blockquote> <p>The cricket world quickly reacted to the sweet image, with the post garnering in over 10,000 likes. </p> <p>One Twitter user and die hard cricket fan couldn’t help but compare the hilarious photo to one taken on his parent’s wedding night in 1983. </p> <p>“Not quite the same but can't resist sharing. Place: Mumbai. These are guests at my parents' wedding on 30 Oct 1983, huddled around a radio, listening to the second day's play of the Kotla test match against,” the user wrote. </p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr">Not quite the same but can't resist sharing. <br />Place: Mumbai. These are guests at my parents wedding on 30 Oct 1983, huddled around a radio, listening to the second day's play of the Kotla test match against <a href="https://twitter.com/windiescricket?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@windiescricket</a>. <a href="https://twitter.com/BCCI?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@BCCI</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/CricketMeriJaan?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#CricketMeriJaan</a> <a href="https://t.co/QJTdXorSud">pic.twitter.com/QJTdXorSud</a></p> — Harshad Joshi (@harshadvj) <a href="https://twitter.com/harshadvj/status/1192183425194700800?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 6, 2019</a></blockquote> <p>Another joked: How can someone marry on match day?”</p> <p>Other Twitter users agreed, with another writing beneath the post “How can someone marry on a match day? Dude first go and check out the schedule as match is more important than any other event of life!”</p> <p>Unfortunately for Tasleem, the match ended on a bad note for Pakistan as the game was called off due to rain and the country went on to lose game two of the series in Canberra. </p>

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Turia Pitt thanks supporters for giving her their most “precious resource”

<p>Turia Pitt has taken to her social media with a following of over 800,000 people to express her incredible gratitude. </p> <p>The mother of one, who is currently pregnant with her second baby, has shared a sweet message to her legion of supporters. </p> <p>The message started with a story of the first time she ever shared her harrowing story with a massive audience. </p> <p>Pitt says she was “humiliated” by the experience and rushed through her story, mumbled a “thank you” and left the audience confused. </p> <p>“The speech organisers were awkwardly trying to reassure me that it was OK, while figuring out how to fill the remaining 30 minutes of the time booked for me,” she said.</p> <p>“I remember thinking ‘You’ve totally humiliated yourself. Why did you think you could do this? Everyone feels embarrassed for you’.” </p> <p>The motivational speaker and author wrote despite feeling still having major nerves, she is much better at speaking to crowds on stage. </p> <p>“I’ve just learnt a really simple way of managing them: I trade my expectations for appreciation. I stop thinking about what is expected of me. Because it’s not actually about me,” she continued.</p> <p>“Instead, I remind myself that the audience has literally given me their most precious resource: time.”</p> <p>“If I’m speaking in front of 1,000 people, I think of what could be achieved in those 1,000 hours. And when I look at it that way, it makes me so grateful.”</p> <p>Turia and her husband Michael, who share one-year-old son Hakavai, announced they were expecting their second bundle of joy, in a “Beyoncé-inspired video montage” in August. </p> <p>When Michael and I want to share some big news, I insist on creating a Beyoncé-inspired video montage. Baby #2, we can't wait to meet you,” Turia captioned the gorgeous clip.</p> <p>“PS I promise we'll find you a more appropriate name soon.”</p>

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It's a boy! Andy Murray celebrates as he becomes a dad for the third time

<p>Sir Andy Murray is sure to be celebrating after the birth of his third child, and first son, with his wife, Kim Sears. </p> <p>Baby no. 3 was welcomed to the world last week and according to relatives, the two-time Wimbledon champ got to meet their new addition on Monday evening. </p> <p>While the name has not been made public to the world, it is understood the baby boy was born at a hospital in London, near the family home. </p> <p>The couple, both 32, already have two girls, Sophia, three and Edie, two. </p> <p>Murray’s grandfather Roy Erskine, 88, said the former World no. 1 has already shown off his newborn son with his relatives. </p> <p>He also told<span> </span><em><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/" target="_blank">The Sun</a></em><span> </span>his wife Shirley, 84, travelled to her grandson to meet the newest Murray. </p> <p>“It’s a wee boy. He was born during the week, I don’t know what his name is yet.</p> <p>“My wife is away down, she went down this morning,” said Erskine.</p> <p>When asked if Sophia and Edie were excited about the arrival of their baby brother, Erskin said: “Absolutely. I’ve seen photographs on my wife’s phone. </p> <p>“They’re both doing fine. I’m just glad that it’s all over.”</p> <p>The arrival of their son comes almost 10 months after Murray had hip surgery.</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/BtNiST6FrYn/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BtNiST6FrYn/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">A post shared by Andy Murray (@andymurray)</a> on Jan 29, 2019 at 12:18am PST</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>He recently joked about needing to get back on the road because the size of his family was getting “out of control”. </p> <p>“I’ll definitely be taking some time off as we’ll be pretty busy with three children under the age of four,” he said. </p> <p>“I’ll try to be around as much as possible in the next year, but I know my tennis career won’t go on forever, so there will need to be a balance between me maximising the next few years and spending quality time with my family.</p> <p>“I’m lucky in that I can train close to home, so that lets me do things like the school run whenever I can.”</p> <p>Kim sparked pregnancy rumours in July when it was believed she was wearing a maternity top to watch her hubby play at Wimbledon. </p> <p>The couple tied the knot in his hometown in April 2015.</p>

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What is 'attachment' and how does it affect our relationships?

<p>Research across many years and many cultures has found around 35-40% of people say they feel insecure in their adult relationships. While 60-65% experience secure, <a href="https://www.guilford.com/books/Attachment-in-Adulthood/Mikulincer-Shaver/9781462533817/summary">loving and satisfying relationships</a>.</p> <p>How secure or insecure we are with our romantic partners depends, in part, on how we bonded with our parents at a young age. From the day we were born we turned to our parents (or guardians) for love, comfort and security, especially in times of distress. For this reason we call them “<a href="https://books.google.com.au/books/about/Attachment_and_Loss_Attachment.html?id=FYEuAAAAMAAJ&amp;redir_esc=y">attachment figures</a>”.</p> <p>When our attachment figures respond to our distress in ways that meet our needs, we feel comforted and supported, our distress is reduced, and we learn our attachment figures can be counted on in stressful times.</p> <p>But if parents often respond to a child’s distress by downplaying their emotions, rejecting their pleas for help, or making the child feel foolish, the child will learn not to trust their attachment figures for help, and to suppress their worries and emotions and deal with them alone. These downplaying strategies are called “<a href="https://www.guilford.com/books/Attachment-in-Adulthood/Mikulincer-Shaver/9781462533817/summary">deactivating attachment strategies</a>”.</p> <p>For others, parents respond to a child’s distress by being inconsistent in the support they provide, or not providing the right kind of support. Perhaps they sometimes recognise their child’s distress; other times they don’t acknowledge the distress, or focus on how the distress made <em>them</em> feel rather than helping the child manage their feelings.</p> <p>Or, some parents might provide support but it’s not what the child needs. For example, a child might need encouragement to deal with a challenge, but the parent tries to be sympathetic and agrees the child can’t deal with the challenge. Regular exposure to these kinds of parenting experiences means those children can experience excessive worry, especially when stressed, and go to a lot of effort to be very close to their attachment figures. These strategies of increasing worry and seeking excessive closeness are called “<a href="https://www.guilford.com/books/Attachment-in-Adulthood/Mikulincer-Shaver/9781462533817/summary">hyperactivating strategies</a>”.</p> <p><strong>What are the attachment styles?</strong></p> <p>These strategies, along with people’s thoughts and feelings about relationships, <a href="https://experts.illinois.edu/en/publications/adult-attachment-a-concise-introduction-to-theory-and-research">form the basis</a> of a person’s attachment style in adulthood.</p> <p>Our own attachment style is the result of how we rate on <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-36873-002">two factors</a> – <strong>attachment anxiety</strong> and <strong>attachment avoidance</strong>. <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-36873-002">Attachment anxiety</a> ranges from low to high, with people high on attachment anxiety exhibiting a high need for approval, an intense desire to be physically and emotionally close to others (especially romantic partners), and difficulties containing their distress and emotions in relationships.</p> <p><a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-36873-002">Attachment avoidance</a> also ranges from low to high, with people high on attachment avoidance exhibiting a distrust of others, a discomfort being intimate and emotionally close to others, excessive self-reliance, and a tendency to suppress their worries and emotions.</p> <p>People who rate low on both attachment anxiety and avoidance have a <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment"><strong>secure attachment</strong></a>. They’re trusting of others, comfortable with sharing emotions and being close to others, and tend not to downplay or exaggerate their distress. They also feel confident in problem-solving challenges and life stressors as well as turning to others for support.</p> <p><strong>Can they change over time?</strong></p> <p>Our attachment styles are thought to be <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300113">moderately stable throughout life</a>, although some people do manage to change from an <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">insecure attachment to a secure attachment style</a>. But this doesn’t just happen, it takes a lot of effort.</p> <p>Research suggests that although attachment styles can become harder to change <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-13216-001">as we age</a>, <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167203029007005">life events and experiences</a> that challenge our pre-existing beliefs about relationships can bring about changes in our attachment style.</p> <p><a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-13561-007">Getting married</a> and developing shared goals that reinforce a love and commitment towards another have been found to reduce attachment insecurity. But events that are viewed as threats to one’s relationship or the loss of connection (<a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656616300988">such as experiencing partner rejection</a>) can increase attachment insecurity.</p> <p><strong>How do they affect our romantic relationships?</strong></p> <p>Our attachment styles have been found to effect the way we <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">initiate, maintain and end relationships</a>.</p> <p>Unsurprisingly, those who have a secure attachment style tend to <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">fare best in romantic relationships</a>. They report the highest relationship satisfaction, tend to deal with conflicts by engaging in constructive behaviours, listen to their partner’s point of view, and do a good job of managing their emotions. These people also effectively support their partners both <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1088868314544222">in times of distress and success</a>.</p> <p>When it comes to relationship initiation, <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">these people</a> tend to more confidently interact with potential partners. They also engage in an appropriate amount of disclosure about themselves. When they break up from a relationship, they tend to experience fewer negative emotions, engage in less partner-blaming, and are more likely to turn to people for support. They also demonstrate a greater willingness to accept the loss and start dating sooner than some insecurely attached people.</p> <p>Those who experience attachment insecurity tend to report less relationship satisfaction. Those high on attachment anxiety tend to engage in conflict and do so in a <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X16300410">destructive way</a> that includes the use of criticism, blame, and trying to make the other feel guilty.</p> <p>When they <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/9781444354119.ch14">engage in support</a>, they can be overhelpful and so the support can come across as smothering or overbearing. In terms of <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">initiating relationships</a>, these people can come across as very friendly and likeable but can over-disclose too early in the relationship and may try to pursue the relationship at a fast pace.</p> <p>When it comes to <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656612000098">break-ups</a>, they can find it hard to let go, experience a high degree of distress, and try different tactics to get back with their partner.</p> <p>Those high in attachment avoidance tend to <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X16300410">avoid conflict</a> by withdrawing from their partners, emotionally shutting down, and refusing to discuss issues when they arise. They also find it difficult to provide <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/9781444354119.ch14">support</a>, and if they are obliged to help their partner, they do so in a withdrawn and uninvolved way.</p> <p>In terms of initiating relationships, those high on <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">attachment avoidance</a> seem emotionally uninvolved and detached in the early stages of a relationship, and can try to present an over-inflated self-image.</p> <p>In terms of <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">relationship break-up</a>, people high on avoidance tend to report experiencing low levels of distress and do not pursue former partners. If a break-up is to occur, they tend to go about it in a round-a-bout way to avoid openly saying they want the relationship to end, to avoid conflict and uncomfortable discussions.</p> <p>The differences in the way securely and insecurely attached people behave in their relationships are most obvious in times of stress. <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2008-13837-022">Many studies</a> have shown stress increases the risk of negative outcomes for insecure people: reductions in relationship satisfaction and increases in destructive conflict behaviours.</p> <p><strong>How can you boost your security?</strong></p> <p>Increasing someone’s sense of security can be done in a <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X1830037X">variety of ways</a>. One involves exposure to words or pictures that promote feelings of love, comfort and connection (such as showing people a picture of a mother holding a child, a couple embracing, or words such as “hug” and “love”). Another is to have them recall past events when a person comforted them.</p> <p>Another line of research has investigated how partners can best support each other to either reduce or minimise attachment insecurity. Preliminary research suggests making people feel safe and boosting their self-confidence is a good strategy for those high in <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300101">attachment anxiety</a>.</p> <p>For those high in <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300101">attachment avoidance</a>, not being as attacking and critical during conflicts or when dealing with emotional issues may be the best way.</p> <p>Within the field of relationship counselling, a therapeutic approach called <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300265">Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy</a> (EFCT) has been developed to address the negative impact of attachment insecurity in romantic couples, and has been found to be <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jmft.12139">effective</a>.</p> <p>EFCT focuses on disrupting cycles of negative interactions between partners and getting both members of the couple to deal with each other’s attachment fears and concerns such as rejection and abandonment. Couples then learn from a therapist how to communicate their attachment needs for love, comfort and security more effectively to one another.</p> <p>The pursuit of secure and loving human connection is a real challenge for some, but positive future relationship experiences have the power to move people from a place of insecurity to one where love, acceptance, and comfort can be found.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/120503/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em>Written by <span>Gery Karantzas, Associate professor in Social Psychology / Relationship Science, Deakin University</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-attachment-and-how-does-it-affect-our-relationships-120503" target="_blank"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em></p>

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What Princess Diana kept from Prince Charles when she was pregnant with Harry

<p>A royal biographer has revealed an important detail of Princess Diana’s second pregnancy that she kept from her husband. </p> <p>Andrew Morton says Princess Diana told him she knew she was having a son, but kept it a secret from Prince Charles. </p> <p>“I knew Harry was going to be a boy because I saw on the scan,” he claimed she recalled to which she added: "Charles always wanted a girl".</p> <p>The royal couple welcomed Prince William in 1982, less than a year after getting married. </p> <p>Princess Diana fell pregnant again with Harry around two years later.</p> <p>Morton says the royal told him her husband “wanted two children, and he wanted a girl.”</p> <p>Morton said in his autobiography,<span> </span><em>Diana: Her True Story - in Her Own Words</em><span> </span>that the late royal told him that although she was extremely excited when Prince Harry was born in 1984, Charles was “less enthusiastic.”</p> <p>It is rumoured after their second child was born, he had reportedly said “Oh God, it’s a boy,” then commented on the hair of Prince Harry where he said “and he’s even got red hair.”</p> <p>Prince Charles had apparently made it extremely clear he was unhappy with having another son instead of a daughter, telling Princess Di’s mother, Frances Kydd: "We were so disappointed — we thought it would be a girl" at Harry’s christening. </p> <p>According to Morton, in Diana’s own words, her mother had snapped at him. </p> <p>She allegedly told her son-in-law "You should realise how lucky you are to have a child that's normal". </p> <p>Princess Diana and Prince Charles divorced in 1996. </p> <p>In 1997, Princess Di tragically passed away in a car accident. </p> <p>Scroll through the gallery above to see Prince Harry as a young child.</p>

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Dog the Bounty Hunter pays heartfelt tribute to late wife

<p><span>Duane “Dog the Bounty Hunter” Chapman has paid a tribute to his late wife Beth on what would have been her 52<sup>nd</sup> birthday.</span></p> <p><span>On Tuesday, the TV star shared a video featuring clips of Beth from their reality show <em>Dog’s Most Wanted </em>on his Instagram account. “There will never be another like you. Happy birthday Beth! We </span>❤<span>️you!” the caption read.</span></p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/B4NaKuNAlAG/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B4NaKuNAlAG/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">A post shared by Duane Lee Chapman (@duanedogchapman)</a> on Oct 29, 2019 at 9:53am PDT</p> </div> </blockquote> <p><span>A few hours later, Chapman reposted a picture from Beth’s account, which showed the couple embracing.</span></p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/B4NrbjTARYR/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;"><a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B4NrbjTARYR/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">Posted @withrepost • @mrsdog4real Sooooo in love with this guy !</a></p> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/duanedogchapman/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank"> Duane Lee Chapman</a> (@duanedogchapman) on Oct 29, 2019 at 12:23pm PDT</p> </div> </blockquote> <p><span>Beth died on June 26 at the age of 51. She was diagnosed with stage 2 throat cancer in 2017.</span></p> <p><span>The couple starred alongside each other on reality TV series <em>Dog the Bounty Hunter</em> and <em>Dog and Beth: On the Hunt</em>. They raised 12 children together.</span></p> <p><span>“After a while, you realise that never will no one ever love me as much as she did,” Chapman said in an interview with <em><a href="https://people.com/tv/dog-the-bounty-hunter-remembers-late-wife-beth-52nd-birthday/">PEOPLE Now</a> </em>earlier this week. “And I will probably never love anyone else as much as I loved her.”</span></p>

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Helena Bonham Carter opens up about incredible link to Princess Margaret

<p>Helena Bonham Carter, who is set to play the Queen’s sister, Princess Margaret in the third and fourth seasons of the Netflix series<span> </span>The Crown<span> </span>has revealed she has a particularly unique connection to the royal. </p> <p>When speaking to British edition of<a rel="noopener" href="https://www.harpersbazaar.com/" target="_blank"><span> </span>Harper’s Bazaar</a>,<span> </span>Bonham Carter says her uncle Mark once had a relationship with the royal. </p> <p>"He was in the Grenadiers, I think, and he guarded Margaret and Elizabeth at Windsor. And then they met, and I think there was a romance. He was really dashing..,” she said. </p> <p>During a conversation at the Cheltenham Literary Festival, the actress noted she has photographs of the couple together. </p> <p>While they didn’t last together as a couple, as Princess Margaret would go on to marry and then divorce Antony Armstrong Jones, the royal and her uncle maintained a close relationship. </p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7832186/bonham-carter.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/fb7a82a1fff04d298d96b81162c62f0c" /></p> <p style="text-align: center;">Princess Margaret with Mark Bonham carter at the February 1954 premiere of <em>Kiss Me Kate.</em></p> <p>"[They] remained good friends," she said, per<span> </span><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/" target="_blank">The Sun.</a><span> </span>"It's weird, I basically went out with my uncle."</p> <p>Bonham Carter has proven to be a dedicated actress, and opened up about her unique methods to prepare for her role on<span> </span>The Crown. </p> <p>The actress admitted she communicated with Princess Margaret from beyond the grave through a psychic, as well as using more traditional methods by speaking to several of the late royal’s ladies-in-waiting, and her hairdresser. </p> <p>"They spent hours talking about her, mainly because they loved her," Bonham Carter said. "They felt very strongly that a whole chunk of her character had never been recorded."</p> <p>An interesting quirk about the royal was she preferred her lipstick angled a certain way to coat both her lips in one swipe. </p> <p>"The less effort, the better, which is very high-status," Bonham Carter said. "And she always wore a corset because she felt vulnerable, it was her emotional armour—she said of herself that her confidence was enamel-thin."</p> <p>All 10 episodes of<span> </span>The Crown's<span> </span>third season drop on Netflix November 17. Watch the trailer up top.</p>

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Woman texts dead dad every day for 4 years – then gets an emotional reply

<p>A woman who texted her dead dad everyday for four years revealed the emotional response she received on the anniversary of his passing.</p> <p>Chastity Patterson from Arkansas, USA, had been sending her father daily life updates to help her stay connected to him despite his passing in 2015.</p> <p>And to mark the four-year anniversary of his death, Chastity wrote: “Tomorrow is going to be a tough day again!</p> <p>“It’s been 4 years since I lost you and not a day goes by that I don’t miss you.”</p> <p>She then explained all the changes that have occurred in her life since then, saying how she’s beaten cancer, graduated university and had her heart broken.</p> <p>She continued: “I picked my head up and became an even stronger woman. I lost all my friends and hit rock bottom, but I found someone who came into my life and saved me.”</p> <p>The 23-year-old then said that she is “still driving momma crazy” and “keeping her on her toes” even while he’s not around.</p> <p>“I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me the most,” she said.</p> <p>She also admitted that the thought of marriage terrified her, adding: “I’ll have to walk that long aisle alone and you won’t be there to tell me everything will be okay, I’m doing great, you would be so proud of the woman I have become …”</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><iframe src="https://www.facebook.com/plugins/post.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fchastity.patterson%2Fposts%2F10211925503173276&amp;width=500" width="500" height="688" style="border: none; overflow: hidden;" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" allowtransparency="true" allow="encrypted-media"></iframe></p> <p>She ended the heartfelt message with a witty note, saying that her “smart mouth” and “attitude has not changed”.</p> <p>After sending the lengthy text, Chastity received a response from a grieving father who was quietly reading the text messages she had been sending for the last four years.</p> <p>The father, who’s name is Brad, said: “I lost my daughter in a car wreck in August 2014 and your messages have kept me alive.</p> <p>“I’m sorry you lost someone so close to you, but I have listened to you over the years and I have watched you grow and go through more than anyone.</p> <p>“I have wanted to text you back for years, but I didn’t want to break your heart. You are an extraordinary woman and I wish my daughter would have become the woman you are.</p> <p>He went on to reassure her that her father would have been proud of her and that their communication with one another was a “sign from God.”</p> <p>He signed off: “Take care and I look forward to your update tomorrow.”</p> <p>After receiving the emotional response, Chastity posted the exchange on Facebook where it quickly gained 141,000 likes and 272,000 shares.</p> <p>She wrote: “I text my dad everyday to let him know how my day goes for the past four years! Today was my sign that everything is okay, and I can let him rest.”</p>

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5 ways rudeness can actually be a positive experience

<p>From swearing to insults, most of us have experienced rudeness in some form or another at <a href="https://theconversation.com/you-should-really-be-nicer-to-your-colleagues-rude-behavior-is-contagious-44795">work</a>, out <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/15/magazine/the-age-of-rudeness.html">in public</a> or <a href="https://theconversation.com/rude-comments-online-are-a-reality-we-cant-get-away-from-34560">online</a>. Much of the research examining rudeness has focused on its negative effects and with good reason – there are plenty of them.</p> <p>We know that rudeness is a stressor with adverse impact on well-being, job satisfaction and <a href="http://qualitymanagementinstitute.com/images/hrsolutions/HBR-ThePriceofIncivility.pdf">work performance</a>, so you’d be forgiven for thinking that it is both insidious and a wholly negative experience. But surprisingly, our recent <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01612840.2019.1644567">study</a> into the experience of rudeness within a mental health context found that it can also be viewed positively, or at least used in a positive way.</p> <p>We interviewed 18 mental health professionals (including counsellors, clinical psychologists, and rehabilitation and family support workers) to explore their experience of rudeness at work. We asked them to identify uncivil behaviour, discuss how they responded to it and consider their coping strategies. The results indicated that mental health workers experienced a range of behaviour they considered rude, from clients not turning up to appointments, to insults and swearing during sessions.</p> <p>In addition to the negative impact this behaviour could have, interviewees reported that dealing with rudeness could also have a positive influence on both professional development and client relationships. This finding led us to explore this further – could the experience of rudeness have benefits as well as negative consequences in certain circumstances? Our investigation identified five potential positive aspects of rudeness.</p> <p><strong>1. Professional development</strong></p> <p>Mental health workers indicated that they thought the experience of dealing with rudeness could aid their <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01612840.2019.1644567">personal development</a>. Specifically, they felt they gained important insights into why some clients behaved rudely, and learned techniques to defuse or deal with rude behaviour. This led to increased confidence in their ability to work successfully with a range of clients. Viewing rudeness in this way aligns with the idea of stressors as challenges that can be used as learning opportunities.</p> <p>The extent to which rudeness can be framed as a positive <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/apps.12127">challenge</a> is thought to be influenced by the attribution of the behaviour – in other words, why has someone acted in this manner? Did they intend to cause harm or did some external force prompt the behaviour?</p> <p>Mental health practitioners in our study perceived that the rudeness was caused by the client’s illness, current situation or traumatic events from the past. Understanding the root cause enabled the practitioners to view the behaviour as part of the session and relationship development, rather than as an attempt to cause harm.</p> <p><strong>2. Enhancing resilience</strong></p> <p>Linked to the idea of interpreting rudeness as a challenge to be overcome is the development of enhanced coping mechanisms. Learning the skills required to develop <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.11120/hsce.2014.00040">emotional resilience</a> is increasingly seen as important in the helping professions.</p> <p>More widely, recent research <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/apps.12127">reports</a> that challenge appraisals of rudeness at work were linked to higher levels of job satisfaction and increased learning. This links to the <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2016-02323-001">theory</a> that exposure to challenging stressors at work can help people build resilience. This can, in turn, help workers to develop coping strategies and increase their self-confidence. Dealing successfully with rudeness at work could therefore have a positive impact on workers’ confidence and coping, potentially reducing the stress of similar interactions in the future.</p> <p><strong>3. Building relationships</strong></p> <p>Developing rapport and understanding is an important aspect of relationship building within and beyond the workplace. A strong rapport is an important aspect of <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1447-0349.2007.00477.x">therapeutic relationships</a>, has been linked to <a href="https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.477.4527&amp;rep=rep1&amp;type=pdf">better learning in peer-tutor</a> relationships, and can reinforce solidarity within <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1993-98940-007">social groups</a>.</p> <p>Although many relationships begin with politeness, that decreases over time as exchanges become more informal and rapport grows. Later on, communication can include insults, <a href="https://www.aclweb.org/anthology/W12-1603.pdf">name-calling</a> and teasing – all designed to signal confidence in the relationship and an increasing level of trust.</p> <p><strong>4. Forming groups</strong></p> <p>Impoliteness, swearing and insults can also be a sign of group membership. This tends to occur within organisations where groups or sub-cultures develop, each of which can have defined linguistic rules, such as <a href="https://www.emerald.com/insight/content/doi/10.1108/01437730710780958/full/html">swearing for emphasis</a>.</p> <p>This type of social swearing or insults – sometimes referred to as “banter” – can function as a stress reliever and can make groups closer, even improving worker motivation and morale. But this can only occur where the organisational culture and leadership permits this type of behaviour.</p> <p><strong>5. Humour</strong></p> <p>In some of the examples above, the use of rudeness is acceptable because it is deemed humorous. The idea is not to cause harm but to <a href="http://people.alfred.edu/%7Ewestacott/The%20Rights%20and%20Wrongs%20of%20Rudeness.pdf">make people laugh</a>. <a href="https://www.ucl.ac.uk/pals/research/clinical-educational-and-health-psychology/research-groups/core/competence-frameworks-2">Humour of this type</a> can be a crucial part of an effective therapeutic process as well as relationship development. The important point is that this is mock rudeness, often directed at well-known figures, with the obvious intent of poking fun.</p> <p>Although experiencing rudeness can often be upsetting and stressful, it is not always completely negative. In certain circumstances, it can actually improve and strengthen relationships. In terms of personal and professional development, it can also foster resilience and the capacity to cope confidently with difficult people.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/125447/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em>Written by <span>Amy Irwin, Lecturer in Psychology, University of Aberdeen and Ceri T Trevethan, Lecturer in Psychology &amp; Clinical Psychologist, University of Aberdeen</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/five-ways-rudeness-can-actually-be-a-positive-experience-125447" target="_blank"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em></p>

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Journalist behind Harry and Meghan documentary admits “everything wasn’t rosy”

<p>Only a week after Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan’s new documentary was released, the journalist who was behind the controversial piece has revealed that “everything wasn’t rosy” behind the scenes.</p> <p>Travelling through Africa with the Sussexes during their 10-day tour, Tom Bradby spoke to the royals one-on-one as he asked the two about the realities of living as a royal in the public eye.</p> <p>In a rare moment, Meghan spoke about her struggles with the British press, while Harry confessed that he and brother Prince William are “on different paths” in life, addressing rumours of a royal rift.</p> <p>The confessions shook fans around the world, but Bradby said he was just telling “the story that was in front of him.”</p> <p>“I knew that everything wasn’t entirely rosy behind the scenes, that’s true, but all the same I sort of had intended to turn up probably doing a more conventional journalistic job,” he told<span> </span><em>Good Morning America</em>.</p> <p>“I told them before I was going to have to put some particularly pointed questions. But I think the reality I found was just a couple who just seemed a bit bruised and vulnerable.”</p> <p>Ever since the documentary was released, opinions on the couple have been divided with many praising the two for their honesty, while others have accused them of complaining.</p> <p>Meghan’s estranged half-sister, Samantha Markle, labelled her as a “hypocrite”.</p> <p>“I think it is really ludicrous that someone who is escorted around the world by millions of dollars’ worth of security on private jets as a millionaire could ever complain about anything,” Samantha told<span> </span><em>Inside Edition.</em></p> <p>However, others have shown their support by rallying behind hashtag #WeLoveYouMeghan as a show of solidarity, after the Duchess confessed to being “not okay”.</p> <p>Scroll through the gallery above to see Harry and Meghan in Africa.</p>

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Andrew O’Keefe opens up on his mental health struggles following marriage breakdown

<p><span>Channel Seven game show host Andrew O’Keefe has opened up about his mental health struggle following a marriage breakdown.</span></p> <p><span>In 2017, O’Keefe separated with wife Eleanor Campbell, with whom he shares three children with.</span></p> <p><span>The former <em>Deal or No Deal </em>host also found himself the subject of tabloid headlines last year after pictures of him being <a href="https://celebrity.nine.com.au/latest/andrew-okeefe-breaks-silence-hotel-party-magazine-photos/065ccdf2-3dcd-4ded-9ff3-823c009bc97a">“very wasted” on a “48-hour bender”</a> at a private party in Cairns emerged.</span></p> <p><span>Earlier this year, the 48-year-old took an eight-week break from filming <em>The Chase</em>. O’Keefe’s manager Mark Klemens said at the time that the host was “taking some time off from his demanding and busy schedule to regroup and work through some personal issues”.</span></p> <p><span>Speaking to David ‘Kochie’ Koch and Sam Armytage on <em><a href="https://7news.com.au/sunrise/entertainment/andrew-okeefe-opens-up-about-his-breakdown-and-exciting-new-project-c-520149">Sunrise</a></em> Thursday morning, O’Keefe said he had thought life “was all meaningless” when he split up from his partner. </span></p> <p><span>“Everyone hits a part of their life where they really question what it’s all about and who they really are, whether what they have done for the last four or five years means anything,” he said.</span></p> <p><span>“And I think, when I split up from my wife, that was my time. and the thing I always believed in most of all in this life was the power of love and combining with someone to make something special, and when I lost that, I thought, ‘well, it was all meaningless’.”</span></p> <p><span>O’Keefe said he saw the parallels between his struggles and those of his uncle, rock and roll singer Johnny O’Keefe.</span></p> <p><span>“Uncle John himself struggled in life with mental health particularly,” O’Keefe said.</span></p> <p><span>“He was a 24/7 kind of worker - and eventually that started to take its toll.</span></p> <p><span>“But he was one of the first Australian celebrities to go public about his own mental health struggles. He used to refer to the Ryde Psychiatric Institute as his winter palace.</span></p> <p><span>“I’ve struggled a little bit in that regard lately I suppose. Life has thrown a few things at me that I wasn’t quite prepared for. I wasn’t quite as resilient as I imagined I’d be.</span></p> <p><span>“I just feel very lucky that in this country we have the professionals and expertise to deal with those things if you think it’s getting on top of you.”</span></p> <p><span><em>If you are experiencing a personal crisis or thinking about suicide, you can call Lifeline 131 114 or beyondblue 1300 224 636 or visit </em><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.lifeline.org.au/" target="_blank"><em>lifeline.org.au</em></a><em> or </em><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/national-help-lines-and-websites" target="_blank"><em>beyondblue.org.au</em></a><em>.</em></span></p>

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“Absolutely furious”: Prince Charles unhappy with rift between Prince Harry and Prince William

<p>Royal insiders have confirmed that Prince Charles is “absolutely furious” at a growing rift between Prince Harry and the rest of the royal family.</p> <p>The news comes after Prince Charles’ own work in Japan as well as the release of his documentary<span> </span>Prince Charles” Inside the Duchy of Cornwall<span> </span>on Thursday night in the UK has been virtually ignored.</p> <p>Prince Charles’ work has been ignored due to the release of the documentary<span> </span>Harry &amp; Meghan: An African Journey, where Prince Harry confirmed there was a rift between himself and Prince William.</p> <p>A royal insider told<span> </span><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/10199573/harry-william-feud-meghan-markle-cancelled-prince-charles/" target="_blank">The Sun</a><span> </span>about how Prince Charles was feeling about the matter.</p> <p>“The Prince of Wales is very busy at the moment touring Japan, including a visit with the Welsh rugby team. But the point is that this whole kerfuffle has completely undermined the work he is doing, just as it undermined the work Prince William and Kate were doing in Pakistan.</p> <p>“To do it to your brother is one thing. To do it to your father and paymaster is a completely different matter altogether.”</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/B39VgAQgpEJ/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;"><a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B39VgAQgpEJ/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">During the #RoyalVisitJapan today, The Prince of Wales visited Zōjōji Temple in Tokyo, where he was greeted by Yagi-daika, the Head Monk of Zōjōji. Zōjōji is one of the headquarters of the Jodo tradition of Japanese Buddhism. HRH learnt about the temple’s history and toured the Buddhist Scripture Storage Hall. The Prince also met crew on board @RoyalNavy ship HMS Enterprise and heard about the work being done to combat plastics in the ocean and climate change. #RoyalVisitJapan 📸 3: PA</a></p> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/clarencehouse/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank"> Clarence House</a> (@clarencehouse) on Oct 23, 2019 at 4:04am PDT</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Staff at Clarence House are also disappointed that the Prince Charles documentary has been overshadowed.</p> <p>“This is a documentary about his life’s work and it really meant a lot to him. It’s been completely and utterly annihilated, all because these two [Prince Harry and Meghan] think they’ve reinvented the wheel,” explained the insider.</p> <p>The Queen is also reportedly urging her two grandsons to sort the issues out privately.</p> <p>“The respect and admiration for the Queen comes because she rises above these sorts of issues. But the Queen is close to all her grandchildren. Family ties are strong,” the insider explained.</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/BzlIiZwnUgm/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;"><a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BzlIiZwnUgm/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">Today, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s son Archie was christened at Private Chapel at Windsor Castle. The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall, The Duke &amp; Duchess of Cambridge attended the Christening. Photograph 1 was taken in the Green Drawing Room at Windsor Castle. Seated (L - R): The Duchess of Cornwall, The Duke of Sussex, Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, The Duchess of Sussex, The Duchess of Cambridge ​Standing (L - R): The Prince of Wales, Ms Doria Ragland, Lady Jane Fellowes, Lady Sarah McCorquodale, The Duke of Cambridge This second photograph of The Duke and Duchess of Sussex, and Archie was taken in the Rose Garden at Windsor Castle. 📷 Chris Allerton /©️SussexRoyal</a></p> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/theroyalfamily/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank"> The Royal Family</a> (@theroyalfamily) on Jul 6, 2019 at 8:23am PDT</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>However, another insider says that the damage has been done due to Prince Harry and Meghan not going to Balmoral, which is where the royal family talk about issues.</p> <p>“It’s a real shame that Harry and Meghan didn’t go to Balmoral. That’s where the family talk about these things. There has also been at least one occasion when Charles invited Meghan to an event, she accepted and then didn’t turn up.</p> <p>“You can’t do that. When the royal family send you an invitation you go, short of dying. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be there.”</p>

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