Relationships

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Why we desire partners who have had relationship experience

<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/why-were-more-likely-to-date-someone-who-has-an-ex-67367">Mate copying</a> (sometimes called mate-choice copying) is where an individual is preferred as a future romantic partner simply because they have relationship experience.</p> <p>Mate copying is a form of non-independent mate selection arising from social learning. Someone gathers mate-relevant information about a potential partner by observing their romantic interactions with someone else. The “copying” part refers to developing a preference for a partner simply because someone of the same gender as yourself has had a preference for them in the past.</p> <p>The basic idea is that people who have already been in a relationship have been “road-tested”. The logic goes they have proven they have at least some romantically desirable attributes because of their experience. This might seem odd, but there is plenty of good <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1090513810000231">scientific evidence</a> that mate copying exists.</p> <p>Although the phenomenon <a href="http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0009115">applies broadly</a>, we know that it is particularly prevalent <a href="https://researchonline.jcu.edu.au/36244/">among young women</a>.</p> <p>So, what is the value in mate copying? While it may not be obvious, the phenomenon does hold some utility. For one, mate-seekers (men or women) can readily identify a “good” (or at least passable) mate. In a sense, the person with experience is a “safer bet”.</p> <p>Another advantage is that this information is cheap. Rather than going through a costly trial-and-error process to identify a suitable romantic partner (expending time and money on dates), the mate copier gets similar information from observing others.</p> <p>A man holding hands with and embracing a woman is presumably considered by her to be at least an adequate relationship partner. The guy in the corner of the room alone staring at his iPhone may or may not be.</p> <p><a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs12110-003-1006-0?LI=true">“The Wedding Ring Effect”</a>, as it is sometimes called by the popular media, is the idea that simply by wearing a wedding ring a man is somehow imbued with a host of desirable characteristics.</p> <p>With an understanding of how and why mate copying works, this may seem like an entirely logical extension. It is, however, an egregious misconception.</p> <p><a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/2462347?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">Seminal studies</a> and a multitude of <a href="http://www.bioone.org/doi/abs/10.5735/086.048.0202">subsequent empirical work</a> have thoroughly established that mate copying exists among non-humans, and there is a bunch of converging evidence suggesting that the phenomenon occurs among humans. However, having a heightened preference for someone that has been romantically “pre-approved” is very different from chasing someone who is married.</p> <p>Studies have shown that romantically unavailable men are considered to be both more <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1660608/">attractive</a>, and more <a href="http://eprints.gla.ac.uk/77762/">desirable as long-term mates</a>. But there are also solid reasons not to pursue (or even desire) a married man.</p> <p>For one, married men are probably going to be harder to romantically “obtain” than someone who is single. A married man is going to at least be reluctant to violate marital commitments, and prying him from his partner is likely going to be met with strong resistance.</p> <p>Additionally, there are all sorts of social proscriptions against pursuing a married man. Doing so may well result in social derogation and/or exclusion.</p> <p>In one of the most realistic studies of mate copying, <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12110-003-1006-0">Swedish researchers</a> had women engage in real-life interactions with men who were wearing a wedding ring and men who weren’t. After the women had met and talked with each man (separately), each woman was asked a series of questions about the men she had just met. For example, she was asked her first impression of each man, their attractiveness and so on.</p> <p>There were no major differences between the two men in terms of how they were perceived by the women, but the men without wedding rings were on average considered more attractive, both physically and generally.</p> <p>Women suggested that they would rather have dinner with, have sex with, start a relationship with, and invite home the men not wearing a wedding ring. This may not come as much of a surprise, but it does suggest that while being in a relationship may make a man appealing in some sense, being married doesn’t.</p> <p>Following on from this idea, <a href="http://docplayer.net/22088144-The-wedding-ring-effect-revisited-steve-manna.html">research</a> conducted in the US found that female participants evaluating a photo of a man found him to be slightly more romantically attractive and generally likeable if he was romantically available than if he was living with a romantic partner.</p> <p>The much more important variable here was whether or not he had a history of commitment. Men who had previously been in relationships for three years were considered far more romantically attractive and generally likeable than men whose longest relationship had lasted only a few months.</p> <p>Some research I conducted recently found a curious pattern of results. Namely, men with relationship experience were considered more desirable than those without experience if the men were described only (no visual representation). As soon as they were pictured alongside a partner, this effect completely reversed.</p> <p>Taken together, these studies suggest that the idea of a man in a relationship is appealing in theory – but when it becomes a reality the appeal vanishes, or is at least mitigated.</p> <p><em>Written by Ryan Anderson. Republished with permission of <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-we-desire-partners-who-have-had-relationship-experience-78463">The Conversation</a>.</em></p>

Relationships

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Fairy tale romance: The heartwarming story of how MKR's Manu Feildel met his wife

<p>Maybe it’s his French accent or his talent in the kitchen, but Manu Feildel is no stranger to women fawning over him.</p> <p>But despite the popularity, when the<span> </span><em>My Kitchen Rules</em><span> </span>judge met his now-wife Clarissa Weerasena at Sydney’s Ivy night club in 2011, she reacted differently.</p> <p>Speaking to<span> </span><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.nowtolove.com.au/aww" target="_blank"><em>The Australian Women’s Weekly</em></a><span> </span>in 2016, Clarissa revealed that she had no idea who the iconic chef was.</p> <p>“He comes up to me and says, ‘Your friend says that you can cook better than me,’ and I said, ‘I probably can’,” she recounted. “I thought, who the hell are you?”</p> <p>Speaking about the hilarious first encounter, Manu told<em><span> </span></em><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.nowtolove.com.au/tvweek" target="_blank"><em>TV WEEK</em></a><span> </span>his version of events. “We met in a lift going to a nightclub in Sydney. She didn’t know who I was.”</p> <p>He then said: “We didn’t see each other for three months after that, then we caught up for a drink. I was nervous. Because three months had passed. We didn’t see each other for another three months, then had some lunch. The rest is history.”</p> <p>But what sealed the deal was Clarissa’s knowledge in the kitchen. The chef is known to love sauce accompanying meals and after tasting one of her creations, he knew he had found the one.</p> <p>“Clarissa ticked all the boxes – and that was the biggest box. I was like, thank God! She loves eating and she loves cooking – she’s perfect!” He told the<span> </span><em>Australian Women’s Weekly</em>.</p> <p>Madly in love, the<span> </span><em>Australia’s Got Talent</em><span> </span>judge asked Clarissa to marry him in 2013, and the couple then welcomed their daughter Charlee in 2015.</p> <p>Before Clarissa, Manu was in a 12-year relationship with Ronnie Moreshead whom he shares a son Jonti with.</p> <p>After being engaged for four long years, the couple tied the knot in 2018 in what Manu describes as a “beautiful intimate ceremony”.</p> <p>He took to Instagram to share the happy news.</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/BehblRUF_Xc/" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;"><a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BehblRUF_Xc/" target="_blank">I’ve often said don’t believe what you read in the press but now you hear it from the horses mouth, yes it’s true I am married! Last week I married the love of my life Clarissa in a beautiful intimate ceremony. We had a wonderful day surrounded by family and friends and lots of love and laughter. Thanks to @theelandra @blueskyphotographyqld @onedaybridal @linneys_jewellery</a></p> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/manufeildelofficial/" target="_blank"> Manu Feildel</a> (@manufeildelofficial) on Jan 28, 2018 at 9:54pm PST</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>“I’ve often said don’t believe what you read in the press but now you hear it from the horses mouth, yes it’s true I am married!” he wrote.</p> <p>“Last week I married the love of my life Clarissa in a beautiful intimate ceremony. We had a wonderful day surrounded by family and friends and lots of love and laughter.”</p> <p>And they’re still going strong, as only recently, Manu shared a photo of the duo celebrating his 46th birthday.</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/Bvd1bjtnL_n/" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;"><a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/Bvd1bjtnL_n/" target="_blank">Happy B’day to me!!! 46 year young and going strong. Best wife, best son, best daughter, best life.</a></p> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/manufeildelofficial/" target="_blank"> Manu Feildel</a> (@manufeildelofficial) on Mar 26, 2019 at 2:16am PDT</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>“Happy B’day to me!!! 46 year young and going strong. Best wife, best son, best daughter, best life,” he gushed.</p>

Relationships

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“They don’t make it easy": Duchess Meghan gets candid about life as a royal

<p>The Duchess of Sussex has hinted at struggling with life in the public eye as a royal member in a candid conversation with American pop star and music producer, Pharrell Williams.</p> <p>The 37-year-old Duchess was a picture of elegance alongside her husband Prince Harry, 34, at London’s<span> </span><em>The Lion King</em>premiere on the weekend.</p> <p>The new parents were glowing amongst fellow star-studded A-listers at the special event and met with a number of celebrities including Beyoncé, Jay Z and Elton John.</p> <p>However, it was the Duchess’ conversation with pop star Pharrell Williams that got royal fans talking when fan account Royal Suitor shared a video of their chat on Twitter.</p> <p>The Grammy Award winning singer praised the Duke and Duchess of Sussex for their “wonderful union".</p> <p>“So happy for your union. Love is amazing. It’s wonderful," Pharrell gushed. </p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.45833333333337px;" src="/media/7828697/gettyimages-1155577032-1.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/0388ede14ec34561919c106511ae47fd" /></p> <p>“Don’t ever take that for granted but what it means in today’s climate, I just wanted to tell you it’s so significant for so many of us. Seriously."</p> <p>The singer added, “We cheer you guys on.”</p> <p>Duchess Meghan replied: “Thank you, they don’t make it easy.”</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"> <p dir="ltr">Wow!!!<br /><br />P: Hey how you doing bro?<br />H: I love the shorts.<br />P: So happy for your union. Love is amazing. It’s wonderful.Don’t ever take that for granted but what it means in today’s climate I just wanted to tell u it’s so significant for so many of us.Seriously...<br />M: Thank u so much. <a href="https://t.co/Xc116yqWVx">pic.twitter.com/Xc116yqWVx</a></p> — Royal Suitor (@royal_suitor) <a href="https://twitter.com/royal_suitor/status/1150846861529321472?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 15, 2019</a></blockquote> <p>This is the first time the royal has publicly acknowledged the difficulty dealing with her new life.</p> <p>While it is unclear what or who the Duchess of Sussex is referring to, it could be in reference to the criticism both she and Prince Harry faced about their decision to keep the baptism of their son Archie private along with the identities of his godparents.</p> <p>More recently, spectators at the Wimbledon were banned from taking photos of the Duchess who attended the event in support of her friend Serena Williams in a “private capacity".</p> <p>Tennis fans at the event were told the Duchess preferred to engage with “people and events” rather than camera phones.</p> <p>Royal supporters voiced their praise for Pharrell for “giving what was needed” to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.</p> <p>“Sometimes I wish I could tell them how we love and support them and the work they are doing,” one supporter said.</p> <p>“But I feel like him [Pharrell Williams], Bey and the fans they spoke to were able to fully convey that so I'm satisfied.”</p> <p>Another comment read: “I am so happy Pharrell shared those words of encouragement with them. The <a rel="noopener" href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Sussexes?src=hash" target="_blank">#Sussexes</a>’s love for and commitment to each other is inspiring, especially in this divisive world.”</p> <p>“This evening was so powerful for this amazing couple. Continue to forge onward, the world can see your unfair treatment. The SussexSquad got your backs,” another user wrote.</p>

Relationships

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Samuel Johnson opens up about his love-life: The heartbreaking reason he's been single for 13 years

<p>Samuel Johnson has shared why he has been single for 13 years amid romance rumours he is dating his late sister Connie’s best friend Emma Rooke.</p> <p>The <em>Dancing With The Stars</em> winner said he has not been with anyone since his former girlfriend Lainie Woodlands took her own life in 2006.</p> <p>“I’ve been too scared to be in another relationship since my girlfriend died 13 years ago,” Johnson told <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.who.com.au/samuel-johnson-connie-children" target="_blank"><em>WHO</em></a> in a recent interview.</p> <p>The statement came after speculations that Johnson had begun a romance with Rooke, the friend of his late sister Connie. </p> <p>The rumour emerged after Johnson posted a picture with Emma on Instagram with the caption: “This koala makes everything with me. We have built some unusual dreams together over many years. Without her heart and brain, my dreams would remain just that.”</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/BmkvEKEnKp5/" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;"><a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BmkvEKEnKp5/" target="_blank">I'm a decent bloke but it's more because of these two than me. The one on my right raised me and loved me more than anyone else. The one on my left made all my dreams and ambitions real. One dream builder and one dream weaver equals a half decent fella. Nought without 'em is my point. Never forget how blessed we are fellas. Happy friday fuckers.</a></p> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/samueljjohnson78/" target="_blank"> Samuel Johnson</a> (@samueljjohnson78) on Aug 17, 2018 at 1:53am PDT</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Rooke also works together with Johnson on his cancer charity Love Your Sister.</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/_dokDElTSj/" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;"><a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/_dokDElTSj/" target="_blank">Time to knock off for a bit. Thanks for a great year. #nowisawesome @i.am.connie @samueljjohnson78</a></p> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/loveyoursister/" target="_blank"> Love Your Sister</a> (@loveyoursister) on Dec 18, 2015 at 10:17pm PST</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Earlier this year, Johnson spoke up on romance rumours with <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.oversixty.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/samuel-johnson-spills-on-romance-rumours-with-cassandra-thorburn" target="_blank">fellow <em>DWTS</em> contestant Cassandra Thorburn</a>, saying they are “great mates” who “flirt well”.</p> <p>He said of Thorburn, “We love a gossip. We constantly find things to giggle about. In another life, who knows what would have happened?”</p>

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Is your smartphone making you shy?

<p>During the three years I’ve spent researching and writing about shyness, one of the most common questions people ask is about the relationship between shyness and technology.</p> <p>Are the internet and the cellphone causing our social skills to atrophy? I often hear this from parents of shy teenagers, who are worried that their children are spending more time with their devices than with their peers.</p> <p>This anxiety isn’t new. At the first international conference on shyness, organized in Wales in 1997 by the British Psychological Society, Stanford psychology professor Philip Zimbardo was the keynote speaker. He noted that since he began the Stanford Shyness Survey in the 1970s, the number of people who said they were shy <a href="http://pqasb.pqarchiver.com/guardian/doc/187962581.html?FMT=CITE&amp;FMTS=CITE:AI&amp;type=historic&amp;date=Jul+22%2C+1997&amp;author=&amp;pub=The+Guardian+%281959-2003%29&amp;edition=&amp;startpage=A8&amp;desc=Silence+of+the+sheepish">had risen from 40 per cent to 60 per cent</a>. He blamed this on new technology like email, cellphones and even ATMs, which had loosened the “social glue” of casual contact. He feared the arrival of “a new ice age” of noncommunication, when we would easily be able to go an entire day without talking to someone.</p> <p>Some of Zimbardo’s fears have been realized. Look at any public space today and you’ll see faces buried in tablets and phones. The rise of loneliness and social anxiety is now a familiar refrain in the work of sociologists such as <a href="http://bowlingalone.com">Robert Putnam</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0qE90GDOhw">John Cacioppo</a> and <a href="http://alonetogetherbook.com">Sherry Turkle</a>.</p> <p>They argue that individualized consumerism is isolating us from each other and selling us cheap techno-fixes to ease the pain. We rely increasingly on what Turkle calls “sociable robots,” like Siri, the iPhone digital assistant, as a stand-in for flesh-and-blood intimates. Even when spending time with others we are half-elsewhere, distracted by technology – “alone together,” as Turkle puts it.</p> <p>And yet this sense of being “alone together” can actually be useful for shy people, who can turn to technology to express themselves in new ways.</p> <p><strong>A different kind of social</strong></p> <p>The shy aren’t necessarily antisocial; they are just differently social. They learn to regulate their sociability and communicate in indirect or tangential ways. Cellphones allow them to make connections without some of the awkwardness of face-to-face interactions.</p> <p>When the Finnish company Nokia introduced texting to its phones in the mid-1990s, it seemed to be a primitive technology – a time-consuming, energy-inefficient substitute for talking. But texting <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Perpetual_Contact.html?id=Wt5AsHEgUh0C">took off among Finnish boys</a> because it was a way to talk to girls without the signals being scrambled by blushing faces or tied tongues.</p> <p>Two sociologists, Eija-Liisa Kasesniemi and Pirjo Rautiainen, <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Perpetual_Contact.html?id=Wt5AsHEgUh0C">found</a> that while Finnish boys would rarely tell girls they loved them, they might spend half an hour drafting a loving text message. They also discovered that boys were more likely to text the words “I love you” in English rather than Finnish, because they found it easier to express strong feelings in a different language.</p> <p>Another scholar of cellphone culture, Bella Ellwood-Clayton, <a href="http://www.mta.t-mobile.mpt.bme.hu/dok/7_Ellwood.pdf">showed</a> how text messages served a similar purpose in the Philippines. Filipino courtship rituals are traditionally coy and convoluted, with elaborate customs such as “teasing” (tuksuhan) among mutual friends or using an intermediary (tulay, which literally translates to “human bridge”) between potential partners. The cellphone allowed young Filipinos to circumvent these elaborate, risk-averse routines and test the waters themselves by text.</p> <p>Such is the case wherever cellphones are used: Texting emboldens those who are more dexterous with their thumbs than with their tongues. The ping announcing a text’s arrival is less insistent than a phone ring. It does not catch us by surprise or demand we answer it instantly. It lends us space to digest and ponder a response.</p> <p><strong>The shyness paradox</strong></p> <p>As for the looming “social ice age” created by technology, Zimbardo made that claim before the rise of social networks and the smartphone. These have made it easy for people to lay bare intimate details of their private lives online, in ways that seem the very opposite of shyness. Advocates of this kind of online self-disclosure <a href="https://hbr.org/2012/10/why-radical-transparency-is-good-business">call it</a> “radical transparency.”</p> <p>Not everyone using social networks is amenable to radical transparency, of course. Some prefer to hide behind online personas, pseudonyms and avatars. And this anonymity can also inspire the opposite of shyness – <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-news-sites-online-comments-helped-build-our-hateful-electorate-70170">a boldness that turns into hostility and abuse</a>.</p> <p>So these new mobile and online technologies have complex effects. They aggravate our shyness at the same time as they help us to overcome it. Perhaps this paradox tells us something paradoxical about shyness. In his book <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Shock_Of_The_Old.html?id=IdVGikvzIHoC"><em>The Shock of the Old</em></a>, historian David Edgerton argues that our understanding of historical progress is “innovation-centric.” We think that new technologies change everything for good. However, according to Edgerton, we underestimate how much these innovations have to struggle against the forces of habit and inertia. In other words, new technologies don’t change our basic natures; they mold themselves around them.</p> <p>So it is with shyness. After about 150,000 years of human evolution, shyness must surely be a resilient quality – an “odd state of mind,” as Charles Darwin <a href="http://darwin-online.org.uk/content/frameset?itemID=F1142&amp;viewtype=text&amp;pageseq=1">called it</a>, caused by our strange capacity for “self-attention.” And yet we are also social animals that crave the support and approval of the tribe.</p> <p>Our need for others is so strong that shyness simply makes us sublimate our social instincts into other areas: art, writing, email, texting.</p> <p>This, in the end, is my answer to the worried parents of shy teenagers. Is their cellphone making them shyer? No: They are both shy and sociable, and their phone is helping them find new ways to express that contradiction.</p> <p><!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><em>Written by <span>Joe Moran, Professor of English and Cultural History, Liverpool John Moores University</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a href="https://theconversation.com/is-your-smartphone-making-you-shy-71605"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/71605/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p>

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“I have nothing”: Waleed Aly lost for words over father’s plight

<p>Only a few short hours after a man discovered his wife had been arrested overseas, he appeared on<em><span> </span>The Project</em><span> </span>and left panellists speechless after sharing his plight.</p> <p>Featuring on Monday night’s episode of<span> </span><em>Four Corners</em>, Sadam Abudusalamu shed light on the distressing situation the Uyghur people are currently facing.</p> <p>The ethnic group of Turkic-speaking Muslims are dealing with persecution by the Chinese government as the institution has been accused of ethnic cleansing.</p> <p>Mr Adudusalamu has not seen his wife Nadila in two years as she’s been unable to leave the Xinjiang province, where the largest population of Uyghurs live. Due to this reason, he has never met his two-year-old son Lufty.</p> <p>Shortly after the<span> </span><em>Four Corners</em><span> </span>episode went to air, Nadila was arrested and the devastated husband sat down with <em>The Project</em><span> </span>to plead for her freedom.</p> <p>“To be honest I don’t know what to say now – I told ABC this is going to happen, and it’s exactly happening because I am speaking out,” Mr Abudusalamu said on Tuesday evening.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet tw-align-center" data-lang="en-gb"> <p dir="ltr">A two-year-old Australian boy is caught in the middle of a human rights atrocity unfolding in China right now. His Australian dad wants him home but China won’t let him leave. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TheProjectTV?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#TheProjectTV</a> <a href="https://t.co/IPlw7WygsZ">pic.twitter.com/IPlw7WygsZ</a></p> — The Project (@theprojecttv) <a href="https://twitter.com/theprojecttv/status/1151066906754895873?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">16 July 2019</a></blockquote> <p>“(At) 3:30 (pm) Sydney time they just took my wife, and two-year-old baby, I don’t know where he is now … she just sent me a message (saying) police just called me, if I can’t come out, please take care of yourself.”</p> <p>This prompted Waleed Aly to ask him whether he was comfortable opening up, due to the evident distress he was facing.</p> <p>“Sadam, do you feel like you shouldn’t be talking to us?” asked Aly.</p> <p>“No, I have to speak out, I’ve got nothing to lose anymore. Even if I don’t speak out nothing is going to change, so I have to speak out,” Mr Abudusalamu responded.</p> <p>“I just can’t imagine how hard it is, not having ever seen your son let alone now not even knowing where he is,” added Carrie Bickmore.</p> <p>The young father placed blame on the Australian government, saying they refuse to help due to trade interests with China and said he felt like “being a Muslim is a crime at the moment.”</p> <p>“I’m living in Australia but feel like I’m under Chinese government pressure,” he said.</p> <p>As the interview came to a close, Aly acknowledged that he didn’t have any words after hearing Mr Abudusalamu’s struggles.</p> <p>“Sadam Abudusalamu, I don’t know, ordinarily I try to find something I could say to console you. I have nothing,” said Aly.</p> <p>“There’s nothing I can say at this point except that we’re watching, we will watch with interest, I hope that it turns out in a way that’s far from the worst of the possibilities.</p> <p>“I commend you on your bravery for speaking up and thank you very much for speaking to us tonight.”</p>

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The "other" woman who really drove Princess Diana to despair

<p>Before Princess Diana married Prince Charles, she suspected the royal heir of still having feelings for Camilla Parker Bowles. However, she was not the only woman the Princess of Wales suspected to be interfering with their marriage.</p> <p>Following the separation of the royal couple, Tiggy Legge-Bourke was hired as a nanny for the two sons they shared, Prince William and Prince Harry. Tiggy went on to become a beloved fixture for both the royal boys, and reports suggest eventually Princess Di became suspicious of the nanny’s closeness to Prince Charles.</p> <p>According to <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/royals/the-woman-who-really-drove-princess-diana-mad/news-story/e821fc1e7ad785f5683217dcf9bdc46c" target="_blank">news.com.au,</a> an altercation took place between Tiggy and Princes Diana at a Christmas party in 1995, where 100 or so guests and staff members of the Prince and Princess of Wales were celebrating another year of work underneath the joint office of both Prince Charles and Princess Di.</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 0px; height: 0px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/media/7828626/new-project-1.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/6f7253a21d74414991b135b0dfb5b26d" /><em>Tiggy Legge-Bourke</em></p> <p>Eyewitness accounts said Princess Di said in a loud voice that was enough for others to hear she was “so sorry to hear about the baby,” to Tiggy which resulted in the young nanny bursting into tears and fleeing the room.</p> <p>Diana’s private secretary, Patrick Jephson, also revealed the royal had him reach out to her estranged husband to ask for clarification on Tiggy’s role in their children’s lives.</p> <p>“On her instructions, I drafted letters from the Princess to her husband pointedly asking for clarification of Tiggy’s duties and asking to be involved in decisions concerning her contact with the boys,” he explained.</p> <p>“I do not think she ever got an entirely satisfactory answer, but I doubt if one was possible. It was hard for her to be content with the reality of her reduced influence over her children’s activities.”</p> <p>While these rumours still circulate today, there is no doubt both Prince William and Prince Harry remain close to their former beloved nanny, who went on to marry her childhood sweetheart Charles Pettifer.</p> <p>Later on, they became the godfathers to Tiggy’s children, Fred and Tom, and more recently she was spotted as a guest to the private christening of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s son, Archie Harrison Mountbatten Windsor.</p>

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"It was a shock": Georgie Parker on how she overcame her life-changing health diagnosis

<p>Georgie Parker had spent nine years in ballet training when she received some devastating news.</p> <p>She was just 13 years old when she was told she had a spinal condition called scoliosis. </p> <p>“Everyone in the room was very quiet and looking at me when they told me,” she recalled in an interview with <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.nowtolove.com.au/celebrity/celeb-news/georgie-parker-husband-56966" target="_blank"><em>Good Health &amp; Wellbeing</em></a>.</p> <p>“So I realised that it was very important. I was good at ballet and it gave me a lot of physical freedom, so to be told that not only could I not do it, but that I’d need to be put in a brace for years, was a shock.”</p> <p>Although it brought an end to her dancing, Parker made peace with the diagnosis as well as the fibreglass brace that she had to wear on her torso.</p> <p>“I ended up naming the brace ‘Boris’ – I thought he deserved a nickname as he was with me all the time – and viewed him as a sort of ally in trying to figure out this obstacle that was scoliosis,” the 54-year-old said.</p> <p>“I embraced the challenge of dealing with scoliosis in my life… that was the way I saw it. Looking back, in some ways, I think I was fortunate to have an experience like that early on.”</p> <p>She also shared her experience of getting her hip replaced last year. She was diagnosed with arthritis at 40 years old, but waited 13 years to take up the procedure. </p> <p>“The osteoarthritis was actually caused by my scoliosis,” she said.</p> <p>“At that stage, a hip replacement lasted 15 years and after that I would have needed another operation. But you can only have two or three replacements, and then they run out of options.</p> <p>“So, I waited and waited, and finally had it done last year. By waiting so long, the new generation of replacements last longer, so I’ll be 78 or so when I need another one.”</p> <p>Today, the <em>Home and Away</em> star maintains her physical and mental wellbeing by staying active with exercise, such as swimming, yoga and pilates. </p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/Bj6JgHrHeZX/" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/Bj6JgHrHeZX/" target="_blank">A post shared by georgieparker (@georgieparker)</a> on Jun 11, 2018 at 7:54pm PDT</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>“For me, exercise wipes the slate clean. When you finish exercising, you start everything afresh,” she said.</p> <p>“If I have a problem, then I figure out the solution. I think having my diagnosis and being put in a brace at the age of 13 taught me this really early on.</p> <p>“When you look at problems like this, it becomes clear what you can do and what you can’t. If there’s nothing you can do about it, then you need to figure out how to live with it, or ride it out. Problems are part of life, so we all just have to deal with them.”</p> <p>In an interview with <em><a href="https://www.newidea.com.au/exclusive-georgie-parker-on-her-hip-replacement-surgery?category=News">New Idea</a> </em>last year, the mother-of-one said physical obstacles should not be disheartened. “<span>I would encourage everyone who has some kind of physical impediment not to be conscious of what they can’t do, but find out what they can do – and do it! The antidote is staying active. You need to move it, or you lose it. That cliche is true.”</span></p>

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How humour can change your relationship

<p>A sense of humour is an <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/humor-sapiens/201504/good-in-bed-funny-men-give-more-orgasms">attractive trait</a>. There is <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407502019004048">abundant</a> <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17380374">cross cultural evidence</a> that shows that being funny <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/humor-sapiens/201110/why-jokes-are-seductive">makes you more desirable</a> as a mate, especially if you are a man. But once the initial flirting is over, and you are in a romantic relationship, how large a role does humour play?</p> <p>For <a href="https://www.degruyter.com/view/j/humr.2014.27.issue-2/humor-2014-0015/humor-2014-0015.xml">dating couples</a>, use of positive humour (for example, using humour to cheer up your date) can positively contribute to relationship satisfaction. The use of aggressive humour, on the other hand (teasing and making fun of your partner) has the opposite effect. These feelings can fluctuate on a day-to-day basis depending on each partner’s use of humour.</p> <p>For long-term relationships, such as in marriages, couples generally share a similar sense of humour – although similarities in sense of humour <a href="https://www.degruyter.com/view/j/humr.2003.16.issue-1/humr.2003.005/humr.2003.005.xml">are not associated</a> with greater marital satisfaction, nor with longer marriages. Perhaps not surprisingly, the research that resulted in this finding also found that couples with fewer children laugh more, compared to couples with a larger number of children.</p> <p>In <a href="https://www.degruyter.com/view/j/humr.2011.24.issue-4/humr.2011.025/humr.2011.025.xml">another study</a>, conducted with 3,000 married couples from five countries, both husbands and wives were found to be happier with a humorous partner, but this trait was reported to be more important for the marital satisfaction of the wives than the husbands. Interestingly, both husbands and wives thought that the husband was humourous more often. Regardless, married couples <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/record/1996-73025-001">overwhelmingly say</a> that humour has a positive impact on their marriages.</p> <p><strong>Conflict resolution</strong></p> <p>But what happens when things aren’t going so well? Humour is a great ice breaker and a social lubricant, but can it also help resolve conflict in marriages? In <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-04812-009">one study</a>, researchers observed 60 newlywed couples when they discussed a problem in their marriage. They coded how much humour was used in the conversation. The couples also completed a measure of life stress. What researchers found when they followed up 18 months later was quite surprising. In couples that reported high stress, the more the husband used humour, the greater the chance the couple would separate or divorce.</p> <p>By contrast, in <a href="https://public.psych.iastate.edu/ccutrona/psych592a/articles/Predicting%20marital%20happiness%20from%20newlywed%20interactions.pdf">a similar study</a> with 130 married couples, a wife’s use of humour predicted greater marital stability over six years, but only if the humour led to a decrease in their husband’s heart rate. In other words, if the humour calms the husbands, then it might be beneficial to their marriages.</p> <p>These two studies show the disparate function of humour for men and women. For men, humour might serve as a way to distract from dealing with problems in the relationship, perhaps in an attempt to reduce their own anxiety. Women, on the other hand, may use humour to create a more relaxed atmosphere that can facilitate reconciliation.</p> <p><strong>Laughing at you, not with you</strong></p> <p>In recent years, there has been much <a href="https://www.degruyter.com/view/j/humr.2009.22.issue-1-2/humr.2009.002/humr.2009.002.xml">research</a> on the topics of <a href="https://www.degruyter.com/view/j/humr.2008.21.issue-1/humor.2008.002/humor.2008.002.xml">gelotophobia</a> (the fear of being laughed at), <a href="https://archive-ouverte.unige.ch/unige:98075">gelotophilia</a> (the joy of being laughed at), and katagelasticism (the joy of laughing at others). One <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0092656618302551">study</a> with a sample of 154 heterosexual young couples, who had been together an average of six years, examined whether any of these dispositions had a bearing on relationship satisfaction. You might expect that a person who likes being laughed at would be a good match with a partner that likes laughing at others, and this is indeed what the researchers found, though the correlation was not very strong. Overall, partners in romantic relationships tended to have similar preferences – they both liked being laughed at or to laugh at others at similar levels.</p> <p>Looking at relationship satisfaction, people who scored high on gelotophobia reported the lowest satisfaction in their relationships, and felt less physically attractive, and less sexually satisfied, compared to low gelotophobians. This makes sense, as being in an intimate relationship requires opening up and being more vulnerable, something that may feel uncomfortable for a person fearing being judged and laughed at.</p> <p>An interesting finding was that for men, having a gelotophobic partner reduced their own sexual satisfaction in relationships, probably because their partner’s insecurities make them less appealing. In contrast, women who loved being laughed at (gelotophilians) were more attracted to and enjoyed higher sexual satisfaction with their partner. No such effect was found with men. Also interesting was the finding that joy of laughing at others did not correlate with relationship satisfaction.</p> <p><strong>Humour and sex</strong></p> <p>Looking deeper into the issue of sexual satisfaction, women appear to have the edge. Women who have humorous partners, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/humor-sapiens/201504/good-in-bed-funny-men-give-more-orgasms">enjoy more and stronger orgasms</a>, compared to women who have less funny partners. Women with funnier partners also initiated sex more often and had more sex in general (indeed, for very good reasons). Such effects have not been found in women with higher humour production (the ability to come up with funny ideas on the spot) perhaps because it requires less effort to satisfy the sexual desire of men.</p> <p>This result may highlight sex differences in light of sexual selection, where higher reproduction costs for women (being pregnant, breastfeeding, shorter reproductive window), make them choosier than men. In contrast, men with good senses of humour may signal their intelligence, creativity, warmth, and how friendly they are – traits that are important in any relationship, especially romantic ones, and are more valuable for women.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/106402/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em>Written by <span>Gil Greengross, Lecturer in Psychology, Aberystwyth University</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a href="https://theconversation.com/how-humour-can-change-your-relationship-106402"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>.</em></p>

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The age difference between these royal couples will surprise you

<p>When it comes to romantic relationships, age difference is the one thing that – even nowadays – continues to draw attention. The average age gap in heterosexual marriages is <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.abs.gov.au/AUSSTATS/abs@.nsf/Lookup/4102.0Main+Features20March%202009" target="_blank">2.6 years</a> in Australia, with the man being older. </p> <p>The British royal family shows a varied picture – some of the age differences are bigger than this average, while others are shorter.</p> <p>Here are the age differences of some of the famous royal couples.</p> <p><strong>King George VI and Queen Elizabeth I</strong></p> <p>The King was five years older than the Queen Mother, who went on to live to the age of 101.</p> <p><strong>Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip</strong></p> <p>The couple has five years apart between them, with the Queen being five years younger than Prince Philip. Queen Elizabeth II, 93, has become the longest-reigning British monarch after more than 67 years on the throne.</p> <p><strong>Princess Margaret and Antony Armstrong-Jones</strong></p> <p>The princess was six years younger than her husband. The two were married for 18 years before separating in 1978. The Lord of Snowdon went on to marry Lucy Lindsay-Hogg in the same year.</p> <p><strong>Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson</strong></p> <p>The couple were of the same age, having only four months apart between them. The couple divorced in 1996.</p> <p><strong>Prince Charles and Princess Diana</strong></p> <p>The Princess of Wales was 12 years younger than her husband. After six years of marriage, the couple’s “amicable separation” was announced in 1992. Their divorce was finalised in 1996.</p> <p><strong>Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla</strong></p> <p>The Duchess of Cornwall is a year older than Prince Charles. They tied the knot in 2005.</p> <p><strong>Prince William and Duchess Kate</strong></p> <p>The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge were both born in 1982. They got married in April 2011 and have three children.</p> <p><strong>Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan</strong></p> <p>The Duke of Sussex is three years younger than his wife. After meeting through a blind date in July 2016, the couple got married in May last year.</p> <p><strong>Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank</strong></p> <p>The daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson is four years younger than Brooksbank, who works as a wine merchant.</p>

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The dangers of catfish in online dating

<p>On the internet, you can become <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/comic-riffs/post/nobody-knows-youre-a-dog-as-iconic-internet-cartoon-turns-20-creator-peter-steiner-knows-the-joke-rings-as-relevant-as-ever/2013/07/31/73372600-f98d-11e2-8e84-c56731a202fb_blog.html">anyone you want to</a> – at least for a while. And though deception doesn’t fit well with lasting romance, people lie all the time: <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2016.06.052">Fewer than a third of people in one survey</a> claimed they were always honest in online interactions, and nearly nobody expected others to be truthful. Much of the time, lies are meant to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/joc/jqy019">make the person telling them seem better</a> somehow – more attractive, more engaging or otherwise worth getting to know.</p> <p>“Catfishing” is a more advanced effort of digital deception. Named in a <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1584016/">2010 movie</a> that later expanded into an <a href="http://www.mtv.com/shows/catfish-the-tv-show">MTV reality series</a>, a catfish is a person who sets up an intentionally fake profile on one or more social network sites, often with the purpose of defrauding or deceiving other users.</p> <p>It happens more than people might think – and to more people than might believe it. Many times in my own personal life when I was seeking to meet people online, I found that someone was being deceptive. In one case, I did a <a href="https://images.google.com/">Google image search</a> and found a man’s profile picture featured on a site called “Romance Scams.” Apparently, not everyone looking for love and connection online wants to start from a place of truth and honesty. Yet, as the show demonstrates to viewers, online lies can often be easy to detect, by searching for images and phone numbers and exploring social media profiles. Some people lie anyway – and plenty of others take the bait.</p> <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9" style="text-align: center;"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/pVyClEUiK40"></iframe></div> <p><strong>Why might someone become a catfish?</strong></p> <p>When a deep emotional bond grows with someone, even via texts, phone calls and instant messages, it can be devastating to find out that person has been lying about some major aspect of their identity or intentions. My analysis of the <a href="https://scholarworks.uni.edu/etd/153/">first three seasons of the <em>Catfish</em> TV show</a> reveals that there are several reasons someone might choose to become a deceitful catfish. On the show, ordinary people who suspect they’re being catfished get help from the hosts to untangle the lies and find the truth.</p> <p>Sometimes the deception is unintentional. For instance, some people <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1083-6101.2006.00020.x">don’t know themselves well</a>, so they tend to see and present themselves more positively than is accurate. In episode 13 from the show’s second season, a <a href="http://www.mtv.com/news/3064701/catfish-chasity-family-cousin-mandy/">woman named Chasity</a> uses someone else’s pictures and claims to be named Kristen. Others may intentionally create a fake profile but then <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3188104/">connect with someone unexpectedly deeply</a> and find the situation hard to come clean about.</p> <p>Other catfish intend to deceive their targets, though not out of malice. For instance, they pretend to be someone else because they have low self-esteem or for some other reason <a href="https://www.bustle.com/articles/29450-miranda-james-are-a-catfish-miracle-these-skyping-pals-give-us-hope-for-future">think people won’t like the real person</a> they are. On the show, there are several episodes about people who are struggling with aspects of their gender identity or sexual orientation and don’t know how to behave appropriately about those internal conflicts, or who fear bullying or violence if they openly identify their true selves.</p> <p>Some catfish, though, set out to hurt people: for instance, to get revenge on a particular person because they are angry, hurt or embarrassed about something that has happened between them. In one episode, for instance, a <a href="http://www.mtv.com/news/2384114/catfish-jasmine-mhissy/">woman catfishes her best friend</a> to get back at her because they’re both interested in the same real-world man.</p> <p>The show also highlighted a few catfish who found enjoyment making fake profiles and <a href="https://www.bustle.com/articles/26966-catfish-tracie-thoms-superfan-sammie-bring-an-episode-thats-both-dark-and-redeeming">getting attention from strangers</a> online. Others wanted to see if they could <a href="https://www.vulture.com/2013/09/catfish-recap-season-2-aaliyah-alicia-iphone.html">make money</a>. Still others hoped to capitalize on the growing popularity of the show itself, wanting to actually meet someone famous or <a href="http://www.mtv.com/news/2158036/catfish-where-now-sneak-peek-dee-pimpin/">become famous</a> by being on TV.</p> <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9" style="text-align: center;"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/IoMYDl6vkMk"></iframe></div> <p style="text-align: center;"><span class="caption">Some people think they’re actually dating a celebrity online.</span></p> <p><strong>Why do people fall for a catfish?</strong></p> <p>People want to trust those they interact with online and in real life. If a person believes he or she is <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1461444818792425">on a date with someone being deceptive</a>, things tend not to progress to a second date.</p> <p>In the TV show, victims find out about the lies the catfish have told, exposed by the show’s hosts and co-investigators. Many who learn of being lied to <a href="http://www.mtv.com/video-clips/99acvt/catfish-the-tv-show-confidence-in-jenn">aren’t particularly interested in meeting up</a> with the real person behind the mask they’d been communicating with.</p> <p>Someone who is enthralled in their connection with another person often fully believes what they’re told – even if it seems too good to be true. This is what scholars call the “<a href="http://psychology.about.com/od/socialpsychology/f/halo-effect.htm">halo effect</a>,” which suggests that if a person likes someone initially, they’re more likely to continue to view them as good, even if that person does something bad. Effectively, that positive first impression has created a figurative angelic halo, suggesting the person is less likely to do wrong. In the very first episode of <em>Catfish: The TV Show</em>, Sunny believes that her love interest Jamison is a model holding cue cards on a late-night comedy show and studying to become an anesthesiologist. Sunny has a very hard time accepting that none of those claims are true of Chelsea, the real person claiming to be Jamison.</p> <p>A complementary idea, called “hyperpersonal connection,” suggests that people who <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/009365096023001001">develop deep emotional ties to each other very quickly</a> may be more trusting, and may even feel safer sharing things facelessly online than they would in person. So someone who met a new friend online and felt an immediate connection might share deeply personal feelings and experiences – expecting the other person to reciprocate. Sometimes the catfish do, but they’re not always telling the truth.</p> <p>Another reason people might not look too deeply into whether the person they’re talking to is real is that they don’t want the relationship to change, even if they say they do – or think they might in the future. If it’s meeting their needs to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2016.06.052">feel accepted, appreciated, connected and less lonely</a>, why rock the boat? That could risk shattering the fantasy of a potential “happily ever after.” Some people also might not really plan ever to meet in real life anyway. So they don’t feel a need to verify the identity behind the online mask, and any lying will never actually matter.</p> <p>Other people might feel guilty, as if they were <a href="https://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/A297135951/AONE?u=googlescholar&amp;sid=AONE&amp;xid=a49adec8">snooping on someone</a> they should trust, who might be upset if they found out their claims were being verified – even though the liar is the one who should feel bad, not the fact-checker.</p> <p>People can still meet and develop real relationships through dating sites, apps and social media. But catfish are still out there, so it pays to be skeptical, especially if the person is never able to talk on the phone or by video chat. Ask questions about their lives and backgrounds; beware if someone gives fishy answers. Do your own background checking, searching images, phone numbers and social networks like they do on the <em>Catfish</em> show. Someone who’s sincere will be impressed at your savvy – and that you care enough to ensure you’re both being honest.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/109702/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em>Written by <span>Nicole Marie Allaire, Lecturer in English, Iowa State University</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/have-you-caught-a-catfish-online-dating-can-be-deceptive-109702" target="_blank"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>.</em></p>

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Why you have a type in relationships

<p>“They’re just not my type.” Whether during private conversation with a trusted friend, or while watching a favourite romantic comedy, we’ve all heard these words spoken about a potential suitor. But for all its prevalence in conversations about modern day relationships, hardly anyone has investigated whether “my type” actually exists.</p> <p>Recent work <a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00052/full">has suggested</a> that we do have go-to preferences when it comes to demographic and physical characteristics such as education, age difference, hair colour, and height. However, no previous research has provided strong evidence that we consistently seek a particular personality type across partners. Now, a group of researchers have found just that – and if you’re not sure what your type is, you might want to look in a mirror.</p> <p>In a <a href="https://www.pnas.org/cgi/doi/10.1073/pnas.1902937116">newly published study</a>, researchers used the longitudinal <a href="https://www.ratswd.de/en/en/researchdata/pairfam">German Family Panel</a> study to assess where more than 12,000 survey participants fitted with the “big five” personality traits – openness to experience, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Over nine years, the researchers tracked the relationship status of these people, who had to pop the rather unusual question to partners of whether they would mind filling out the same personality questionnaire for the good of science.</p> <p>After nine years and thousands of questionnaires, the researchers ended up with 332 participants who had been in relationships with at least two different romantic partners who were both happy to participate in the study. That’s a pretty hefty drop in sample size, but more than enough to draw firm conclusions from the data.</p> <p>The results showed that the current partners of participants described their personalities in ways that were similar to former partners. So while people <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407518816880">tend to believe</a> that their personality preferences change over time, it appears that people do have a specific “type” that persists across relationships. In most cases, similarity was only tested across two partners, but for the 29 participants who had more than two willing partners, the results were the same.</p> <p>Like it or not, your type might be closer to your own personality than you’d like to admit. The research showed that the personalities of the partners were not only similar to each other, but to the participants themselves.</p> <p><a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232468156_Personality_influences_on_the_choice_of_situations">Seeking out</a> a little of yourself in your partners may help explain why our own personalities tend to be <a href="https://rap.ucr.edu/jrp_triad.pdf">relatively stable</a> when interacting with friends and loved ones. It’s a lot easier to seek relationships that allow us to hold onto our existing ideas of what we are like.</p> <p>That is, unless you’re an extrovert in search of new experiences. Participants who scored highly in openness to experience and extroversion were much less likely to choose partners with similar personalities to both ex-partners and themselves. So while our relationships can entrench who we think we are, if we are willing to step outside of what we know, they also offer the opportunity to discover new ways of seeing the world.</p> <p>Interestingly, the study could hold potential for online dating. While <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0956797617714580">previous research</a> has struggled to predict romantic desire from personality traits and preferences, this research suggests that just as music streaming services use our existing library to make personalised recommendations for exciting new sounds, dating apps could use our relationship history to help us find future flames.</p> <p>Of course, given that we don’t know how long the relationships in the study lasted for, there’s no guarantee that such a strategy will keep the fire burning. Too much similarity in a relationship can make partners <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-you-should-date-your-best-friend-72784">feel unable</a> to grow and develop. Married people can have a particularly <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/j087v38n01_05?casa_token=VjH9g1YkgSkAAAAA:OiYQOe1k7fZM7ANHQsYH22aOpKah_r3FMhVA0MOQuGdY4sa_1phNYcOXkL-F-bV-7rlEuDD-0Nrz">low tolerance</a> for behaviours that their new spouse shares with the former, and such similarity can generate <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J087v40n03_08?casa_token=TIP1QPSGCiAAAAAA:znwrOjCmIyp8CO10e-vIFEtDGZ-dLeeKAM_yYB99Q9EFQ9H8dkWtfs4LkdW2___IlxWVld7H0JxF">anxiety and hopelessness</a>.</p> <p>On the other hand, having a current partner that resembles an ex-partner can <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/19424620.2015.1082012">ease bonding processes</a> and help establish positive patterns of interaction. So don’t go blaming high divorce rates on a tendency towards a type just yet.</p> <p>Research like this isn’t the be all and end all when it comes to the search for a soulmate. There are plenty of <a href="https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/pdf/10.1146/annurev.psych.54.101601.145059">other factors</a> that influence who we enter into a romantic relationship with. But don’t be surprised if the next update in your relationship status is really just a return to the status quo.</p> <p><!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><em>Written by <span>Stanley Gaines, Senior Lecturer In Psychology, Brunel University London</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a href="https://theconversation.com/relationships-yes-you-do-have-a-type-and-its-likely-to-be-your-ex-new-study-suggests-118532"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em></p>

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How narcissism can lead to domestically abusive relationships

<p>Narcissism is a topic that is increasingly spoken about in today’s Instagram obsessed age of self-promotion and vanity. There has also been a significant <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/book/10.1002/9781118093108">increase</a> in studies and investigations into narcissism, and that too has brought narcissism far more into the public domain.</p> <p>Any evidence of increasing self-awareness is to be welcomed. And yet, there is a danger here, because narcissism is a far more complex condition than the popular conception implies.</p> <p>Popular ideas of narcissism bring to mind the <a href="https://psychcentral.com/lib/donald-trump-and-the-narcissistic-illusion-of-grandiosity/">Donald Trumps</a> and <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/jair-bolsonaro-brazil-election-results-trump-2018-10?r=US&amp;IR=T">Jair Bolsonaros</a> of the world – those with a grandiose self-image, an inflated ego and feelings of entitlement to special treatment. We think of those for whom any criticism is met with anger and rage. (Think Trump’s near-constant accusation of “fake news!” whenever he is challenged or criticised.) In terms of relationships, narcissists are often thought to be self-obsessed self-promotors who are interested in quickly moving from one relationship to the next.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"> <p dir="ltr">I never called Meghan Markle “nasty.” Made up by the Fake News Media, and they got caught cold! Will <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@CNN</a>, <a href="https://twitter.com/nytimes?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@nytimes</a> and others apologize? Doubt it!</p> — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1135165268261519361?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">June 2, 2019</a></blockquote> <p>Narcissistic behaviour also involves a lack of empathy, an exploitative attitude towards others and, paradoxically – given that it represents a clear sign that they are unable to convince themselves of their own brilliance – a burning need for peoples’ attention and admiration.</p> <p>Narcissism, in its medical sense, can be understood as existing along a spectrum. At the lower end, narcissism is an adaptive and healthy state, one which most of us possess, and is closely linked with assertiveness and healthy self-regard. At the higher end, though, narcissism is so extreme that it is classified as a personality disorder. This affects a <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2669224/">small percentage</a> of the population.</p> <p>But to conceive of narcissism as being an <a href="https://theconversation.com/from-love-island-to-hd-brows-what-you-need-to-know-about-narcissism-99328">easy-to-spot</a> personality trait, typically manifested through grandiose, male type characteristics, ignores a key side to narcissism that could go unseen. At least that is what my recent <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/2158244019846693#_i22">study</a> shows. And this could influence how we think about narcissism in relationships in important ways.</p> <p><strong>Complicated narcissism</strong></p> <p>In conducting interviews with partners of narcissistic individuals, colleagues and I explored the motives underpinning the behaviour of narcissists. Most of the people we spoke to were approached through social media as self-perceived victims of narcissistic partners.</p> <p>Before the interviews, we deliberately did not provide explicit guidance regarding the definition of narcissism as we wanted people’s own views to channel their thoughts. But participants’ understandings of narcissism in response to the question “In general, how would you describe a narcissist?” were carefully compared and analysed with more common clinical measures to ensure they had indeed been with a partner with narcissistic traits.</p> <p>We found some manifestations that fitted the standard picture of narcissism. Narcissistic partners who displayed these standard, grandiose features were likely to react with violence in response to threats to their self-esteem, typically when demands of entitlement, admiration and perceived authority were not met. These relationships were described by participants as swift and vicious – they charmed and disarmed, and subjected partners to abuse, often quite overtly, as a way to defend themselves against the slightest injury and ego-threatening situations.</p> <p>But the picture was more complex than this. We found that many narcissists, instead of reacting with grandiose responses, reacted vulnerably. Rather than reacting with the threat of abandoning their partners, they commonly reacted with the fear of being abandoned. In other words, the violence was there, but through an act of clinging on rather than throwing away.</p> <p>This suggests that relationships with more vulnerable narcissists may be more slow and insidious, and potentially more harmful. In these cases, the manifestation of narcissist characteristics was found to be more subtle, leading to sulky, passive aggressive abuse of partners in response to fears of being abandoned.</p> <p><strong>Reading the signs</strong></p> <p>What, then, are the identifiable signs that would unmask the behaviour of vulnerable narcissists? At the root of vulnerable narcissism is the profound fear of abandonment. Such individuals have a fearful attachment style, which is indicative of vulnerable narcissists’ hidden entitled expectations of partners to satisfy their needs while fearing they will fail to do so.</p> <p>This suggests that the fear of abandonment is not necessarily to do with the potential loss of the partner. Instead, it relates to the potential loss of what their partner can offer to make the narcissist feel better. Key possible indicators of vulnerable narcissism to look out for are any manipulation and covert psychological abuse that aims to inspire power and control, for instance through adopting a “victim” status to inspire sympathy in partners or to keep them in a heightened state of co-dependent anxiety.</p> <p>Whereas the grandiose narcissist may become angry and then leave, the vulnerable narcissist will become angry, administer the same level and degree of abuse, but then do everything to stop their partner from leaving.</p> <p>Of course, things are more subtle and complex in reality. And it’s important to remember here that we’re dealing with people, and that labelling should be avoided at all costs. But there needs to be a shift in how we as a society understand and approach narcissism. Because our research indicates that when narcissism is manifested in its commonly known grandiose form, it is highly damaging, but when it is masked and hidden in its vulnerable form, it can be far more painful, far more drawn out, and in some cases far more damaging.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/116909/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em>Written by <span>Ava Valashjardi, PhD candidate and Associate Lecturer, Edinburgh Napier University</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a href="https://theconversation.com/narcissism-and-the-various-ways-it-can-lead-to-domestically-abusive-relationships-116909"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em></p>

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Aussie men's mental health: A growing crisis

<p><span>Men don’t cry, so the saying goes. But while things may appear smooth sailing on the surface for Aussie men, the statistics reveal a bleaker truth.</span></p> <p><span>Three-quarters of suicides in Australia are committed by men, averaging to roughly six lives lost every day. The number of male suicides has grown by 40 per cent over the past ten years, and now suicide is the number one cause of death for men under 45. In addition, one in five men will experience anxiety and one in eight men will experience depression at some stage in their lives.</span></p> <p><span>However, men are less likely to seek help for their mental health, according to <a href="https://mensline.org.au/wellbeing-blog/change-mens-mental-health/">service</a> <a href="https://www.amhf.org.au/10_surprising_facts_about_men_s_mental_health">providers</a>. Even though they are three times more likely to die by suicide, men only make up 40 per cent of the people seeking help from the national helpline Lifeline or Medicare-subsidised mental health services.</span></p> <p><span>So what can we do to prevent this crisis from growing even further?</span></p> <p><span>More suicide prevention and mental health initiatives have been launched specifically to support men, such as MensLine Australia, Dadvice and Man Up. Apart from providing targeted resources on emotional health and wellbeing, these programs also aim to reduce stigma and encourage men to speak up about their issues.</span></p> <p><span>“The more I drop my guard, and the more help I ask for, the better person I become,” Jimmy Barnes said in a campaign video for Movember Foundation.</span></p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"> <p dir="ltr">How did you recognise crossing the line of self destruction? <a href="https://twitter.com/JimmyBarnes?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@JimmyBarnes</a> Anne Aly &amp; Tim Fischer respond <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/QandA?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#QandA</a> <a href="https://t.co/otfgJjV7WY">pic.twitter.com/otfgJjV7WY</a></p> — ABC Q&amp;A (@QandA) <a href="https://twitter.com/QandA/status/919886448412651520?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 16, 2017</a></blockquote> <p><span>However, some mental health advocates have pointed out that talking should not necessarily be the main prescription. A <a href="https://www.beyondblue.org.au/docs/default-source/research-project-files/bw0294-final-report---doing-what-comes-naturally---men-39-s-use-of-positive-coping-strategies.pdf?sfvrsn=0">beyondblue</a> report found that instead of talking to a trusted person, men in general turn to other coping strategies such as taking time out (36 per cent), keeping busy (35 per cent), spending time with a pet (33 per cent) or exercising (33 per cent).</span></p> <p><span>“The truth is that [talking]’s not something many men are that comfortable doing,” Peter Shmigel, former CEO of Lifeline wrote on <a href="https://10daily.com.au/views/a190527ouwsa/when-it-comes-to-their-brains-aussie-blokes-are-in-bad-shape-20190528"><em>10daily</em></a>. “Call it culture or biology, but shaming them into ‘better behaviour’ through accusations of ‘toxic masculinity’ just won’t work.”</span></p> <p><span>Men in crisis should be encouraged to “communicate and connect in their own way”, Shmigel said. </span></p> <p><em><span>If you are experiencing a personal crisis or thinking about suicide, you can call Lifeline 131 114 or beyondblue 1300 224 636 or visit </span></em><span><a href="https://www.lifeline.org.au/"><em>lifeline.org.au</em></a><em> or </em><a href="https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/national-help-lines-and-websites"><em>beyondblue.org.au</em></a><em>.</em></span></p>

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Fans spot major change to Duchess Meghan’s engagement ring

<div> <div class="replay"> <div class="reply_body body linkify"> <div class="reply_body"> <div class="body_text "> <p>The Duchess of Sussex has made her first appearance since giving birth to baby Archie.</p> <p>The eagerly awaited return was widely praised by royal fans all over the world and naturally all eyes were on Duchess Meghan who had not been seen for months before the Trooping the Colour parade.</p> <p>Royal watchers did not miss a single detail when it came to the glowing new mother, and were quick to point out a stunning new addition to her finger – a diamond eternity band.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.61888701517705px;" src="/media/7828037/meghan.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/5d9477b0b72349f0a987a42ebf7c5a69" /></p> <p>It is likely the dazzling change to the royal’s hand is a present from her husband in honour of either the birth of their first child or one year of blissful marriage together.</p> <p>However, amongst all the excitement of the new addition – fans and eagle-eyed watchers happened to graze over a massive change to the Duchess’ three-stone engagement ring.</p> <p>For this year’s annual celebration of the Queen’s birthday, pictures taken of Duchess Meghan appear to show the ring has been reset and now instead of the original solid yellow gold band, it is now an ultra-thin micro-pavé one.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.05590062111804px;" src="/media/7828039/ring.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/ea003702728043e5b32a78ce16d013ae" /></p> <p>Reports are not clear on when the Duchess made the significant change – but thankfully it has not gone unnoticed.</p> <p>During her final months of pregnancy, Duchess Meghan opted to go without her engagement ring – possibly due to her fingers swelling.</p> <p>During Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan’s first interview together to confirm their engagement, the prince said the ring was “obviously” yellow gold as it is her favourite.</p> <p>“…The main stone itself I sourced from Botswana and the little diamonds either side are from my mother's jewellery collection, to make sure that she's with us on this crazy journey together,” he said.</p> <p>The Duchess went on to add: “Everything about Harry’s thoughtfulness and the inclusion of Princess Diana’s stones and obviously not being able to meet his mom,”</p> <p>“It’s so important to me to know that she’s a part of this with us."</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div></div>

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Prince William’s best friend is getting married – to Prince George's teacher!

<p>Prince William’s best friend has found love with someone very familiar to the royal family – Prince George’s teacher!</p> <p>Thomas van Straubenzee – a lifelong friend of the Prince and godfather to Princess Charlotte – proposed to Lucy Lanigan-O’Keeffe, the assistant head teacher at the prep school that the Duke’s son goes to, <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/edition/news/prince-georges-teacher-to-wed-his-dad-the-duke-of-cambridges-best-friend-x7qdbbmwn" target="_blank"><em>The Times</em></a> reported.</p> <p>31-year-old Lanigan-O’Keeffe teaches outdoor learning and mindfulness at Thomas’s London Day Schools in Battersea. She and 36-year-old van Straubenzee reportedly met a year ago through a friend.</p> <p>This will be van Straubenzee’s second marriage following his separation from Lady Melissa Percy, daughter of the Duke of Northumberland, in 2016.</p> <p>Van Straubenzee and his brother Charlie attended Ludgrove School in Berkshire with both Prince William and Prince Harry. It is speculated that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex may ask Charlie to be the godfather to Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, who will be <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/bazaar-brides/a28162639/prince-george-teacher-engaged-prince-william-friend/" target="_blank">christened in July</a>.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/media/7828054/kms2.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/ca733a17664241b69d8b9092cfe98a43" /></p> <p>According to <em>The Times</em>, Prince William will serve as an usher and may make a speech at the wedding. Prince George and Princess Charlotte, who will also be attending Thomas’s Battersea in September, are also expected to be pageboy and bridesmaid at their teacher’s wedding.</p>

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Sarah Ferguson reunites with Prince Andrew at Royal Ascot – and shares royal secret

<p>Sarah Ferguson has added a colourful flair to royal life – from her outfit choices to her relationship rollercoaster with Prince Andrew, 59.</p> <p>It would be easy to assume the royal could tell a few juicy stories about her life as a member of one of the world’s most well-known and documented families.</p> <p>However, one secret the Duchess of York is ready to tell has little to do with her and instead is an in-depth look into one of the royal family’s most heart-wrenching tragedies.</p> <p>Almost two centuries since the death of the Queen’s great-great-great grandmother Princess Louise – mother to Queen Victoria’s husband Prince Albert – a history of the royal’s sad and troubled life has been documented by Fergie.</p> <p>The Princess was separated from her two young sons and banished to a German hamlet where she would never be allowed to see her children again.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="/media/7828019/princess-louise-1.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/0223f29a543140f4b6f2a3dbc79d360a" /></p> <p style="text-align: center;"><em>Princess Louise</em></p> <p style="text-align: center;">In an exclusive interview with <em><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.hellomagazine.com/royalty/2019062374448/sarah-ferguson-exclusive-interview-hello-documentary/" target="_blank">Hello</a>!</em>, Sarah revealed she has made a documentary in Germany with the aim of uncovering Princess Louise’s footsteps through historical archives, and a visit to her tomb.</p> <p>"She was discarded by her husband – Ernst I, the Duke of Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld – and sent to St Wendel," Sarah said.</p> <p>"Whatever she had done to upset Ernst – who it seems was tired and bored of her and wanted to divorce – to have to leave her two boys and never see them again was, for me, beyond words.</p> <p>"I wanted to know what Louise had done so terribly wrong that she should be taken from her children on that dank, rainy 26 August day – Albert's fifth birthday – put in a carriage, discarded and written out of history."</p> <p>During filming, the 59-year-old was hit with emotions, as her own mother, Susan Barrantes, left her family when she was just a young girl.</p> <p>"I just don't know what it would be like for me to not be with my girls. I really couldn't fathom it," the Duchess said, who is mother to Princess Beatrice, 30, and Princess Eugenie, 29.</p> <p>"One of the best things I've done with my life is that my daughters and I are like a tripod. The girls are very supportive of me and I am very supportive of what they do.</p> <p>"The key is to always be there, but never to wrap them in cotton wool. We work in unity and [ex-husband Prince] Andrew and I are focused on being good parents together.</p> <p>“We are bigger than friends. We learn from each other, support each other and understand it's about communication, compromise and compassion."</p>

Relationships

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What is your love style?

<p>Love is a complex and powerful force, one that plays out in a number of emotional, cognitive and social ways.</p> <p>When we love a person, we feel emotional arousal in their presence. We will also have a set of thoughts (or cognitions) about that person, and our previous experiences can shape our ideas about what we expect in our relationships. For example, if you believe in love at first sight, then you are <a href="http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF00998862">more likely to experience it</a>.</p> <p>But we use love in many different contexts. You might say that you love your partner, or your family, or your best friend, your job or even your car. Clearly, you’re using the term in different ways that highlight the various dimensions of love.</p> <p>The ancient Greeks described <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love">several different types of love</a>. Following the Greeks, the sociologist and activist John Alan Lee suggested that there are <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books/about/Colours_of_love.html?id=5g4RAQAAIAAJ">six broad styles of love</a>.</p> <p>It is good to keep in mind that although these love styles can be thought of as “types”, we are not necessarily <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/014616727700300204">locked into only one</a>. We might have a predominant love style, but we will also have some elements of the other styles.</p> <p>Similarly, our love style might change over time based on our experiences and interactions with our partners.</p> <p><strong>Eros</strong></p> <p>This style is typically experienced as a romantic, fairytale-type love. Physical beauty is important to this love style. Attraction is intense and immediate (“head over heels”), and the Eros lover feels an <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0265407510389126">urgent drive</a> to deepen the relationship emotionally and physically.</p> <p>Because these individuals love the feeling of being in love, they tend to be serial monogamists, staying in a relationship as long as it feels fresh and compelling, then moving on so they can experience those same feelings again with someone new.</p> <p><strong>Storge</strong></p> <p>Storgic types tend to be stable and committed in their relationships. They <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01463370601036515">value</a> companionship, psychological closeness and trust. For these individuals, love relationships can sometimes grow out of friendships, so that love sneaks up on the pair. This love style is enduring, and these individuals are in it for the long haul.</p> <p><strong>Ludus</strong></p> <p>People with a ludic style view love as a game that they are playing to win. Often this can be a multiplayer game! Ludic individuals are comfortable with deception and manipulation in their relationships. They tend to be low on commitment and are often emotionally distant.</p> <p>Because ludic individuals are more focused on the short term, they tend to place greater importance on the physical characteristics of their mate than do the other love styles. They are also <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224490009552023">more likely</a> to engage in sexual hookups.</p> <p><strong>Pragma</strong></p> <p>Practicality rules for this type. Logic is used to determine compatibility and future prospects. This doesn’t mean that these individuals use an emotionless, Spock-like approach to their relationships, rather they a place a <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01463370601036515">high importance on whether a potential mate</a> will be suited to meeting their needs.</p> <p>These needs might be social or financial. Pragmatists might wonder if their prospective partner would be accepted by family and friends, or whether they’re good with money. The might also evaluate their emotional assets; for example, does a would-be partner have the skills to be calm in times of stress?</p> <p><strong>Mania</strong></p> <p>This refers to an obsessive love style. These individuals tend to be emotionally dependent and to need fairly constant reassurance in a relationship. Someone with this love style is likely to experience peaks of joy and troughs of sorrow, depending on the extent to which their partner can accommodate their needs.</p> <p>Because of the possessiveness associated with this style, <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165032714007277">jealousy can be an issue</a> for these individuals.</p> <p><strong>Agape</strong></p> <p>Agapic individuals are giving and caring, and are centred on their partner’s needs. This is largely a selfless and unconditional love. An agapic partner will love you just as you are. But they will also be particularly appreciative of acts of care and kindness <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01463370601036515">that they receive back</a> from their partner.</p> <p>Perhaps because these individuals are so accepting, they tend to have <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/pere.12112/pdf">very high levels</a> of relationship satisfaction.</p> <p><strong>The truth about love</strong></p> <p>The kind of love that we feel towards our significant other is <a href="http://www.elainehatfield.com/uploads/3/2/2/5/3225640/34._hatfield_1985.pdf">likely to change over time</a>. At the start of a relationship we feel anticipation about seeing our partner and we are excited every time we see them.</p> <p>These are the heady feelings we associate with being in love, and are very characteristic of romantic love. But in almost all relationships, these intense emotions are not sustainable, and will fade over months to a couple of years.</p> <p>Those passionate feelings will then be replaced by deeper connection as the people in the partnership grow to truly know each other. This stage is “companionate love” and can last a lifetime (or beyond).</p> <p>Unfortunately, many people do not realise that the evolution from romantic love to companionate love is a normal – and indeed healthy – transition. Because the ardent feelings of adoration subside, sometimes people will think that they have fallen out of love, when in fact the intimacy and closeness of companionate love can be extremely powerful, if only given the chance.</p> <p>This is a shame, as these individuals might never experience the <a href="http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/sbp/sbp/2004/00000032/00000002/art00007">life satisfaction that is associated with companionate love</a>.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72664/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em>Written by <span>Rachel Grieve, Senior Lecturer in Psychology, University of Tasmania</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/there-are-six-styles-of-love-which-one-best-describes-you-72664" target="_blank"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em></p>

Relationships