Placeholder Content Image

Feel like you don’t have control over your life following a breakup? You’ll recover, says science

<p>Losing a person in your life, from relationship breakup, divorce or death is a stressful event and now researchers have looked at how long it takes to recover a personal sense of control.</p> <p>Relationship breakups reduce your sense of control – but only temporarily.</p> <p>A study in PLOS One has found that people feel they have less control over their lives in the 12 months following a separation. But after this, their sense of control gradually recovers.</p> <p>Conversely, people feel more in control in the year following the death of a partner. Perhaps oddly divorce has no impact on one’s sense of control – although the research refers to the end of the process, not the often-traumatic beginning.</p> <p>The researchers, who are based at Humboldt-Universität zu Berlin, Germany examined data from the Socio-Economic Panel Study, a German longitudinal study which has been running since 1984. In 1994, 1995 and 1996, study participants were asked about their sense of control over their own lives.</p> <p>The researchers examined 1,235 people who had separated from their partners, 423 who divorced, and 437 whose partners died.</p> <p>Women were more likely to have lost some of their sense of control following a separation, but, like men, on average they regained this sense of control after a year. Younger people were more likely to report an increased sense of control after a breakup than older people.</p> <p>The opposite was true if a participant’s partner had died. In that case, older people were more likely to experience an increase in control and younger people were more likely to report a decrease.</p> <p>“After losing their spouse, individuals might not only regain capabilities to shape their own daily routines but also recognize to be able to deal with life despite this tragic experience, resulting into higher perceived control,” suggest the researchers in their paper.</p> <p>The researchers couldn’t find a link between perceived control and divorce. They state this is possibly because divorce is formalised at least a year after separating, meaning at this point people have recovered their sense of control.</p> <p>“Our findings suggest that people sometimes grow from stressful experiences – at least regarding specific personality characteristics,” write the authors.</p> <p>“In the years after losing a romantic partner, participants in our study became increasingly convinced in their ability to influence their life and future by their own behaviour.</p> <p>“Their experience enabled them to deal with adversity and manage their life independently, which allowed them to grow.”</p> <p><strong>This article appeared on <a href="https://cosmosmagazine.com/people/breakups-relationships-control/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">cosmosmagazine.com</a> and was written by Ellen Phiddian.</strong></p> <p><em>Image: Shuttertock</em></p>

Relationships

Placeholder Content Image

The friendship breakup: how to end a toxic relationship

<p><strong>How to get rid of toxic friends</strong></p><p>Fourteen years after the split, Suzanne Wilson Phillips still has some fond memories of her friend Melissa (name has been changed). “She was really fun and bubbly,” says the mental-health counsellor. “On a Saturday night, she was the life of the party.”</p><p>But over the course of their five-year friendship, Suzanne often felt neglected when her pal revelled in the spotlight. “Melissa never had my back,” says the 43-year-old. The tipping point came when Melissa tried to sabotage Suzanne’s new romantic connection. “I decided we couldn’t be friends anymore.”</p><p>As Suzanne learned, ending a friendship is a complex process, wrought with pitfalls and pain. Here’s how to get rid of toxic friends in four steps, with expert advice to help you get through.</p><p><strong>Step one: Evaluate the friendship </strong></p><p>Start by taking a measured look at the situation. When you’re with this person, do you feel like your best self? Can you honestly describe them in flattering terms? How committed are you to the friendship?</p><p>You’ll also want to consider the circumstances, especially if your friend has been depressed or suffered a loss or trauma. We owe our friends a lot, and standing by them during tough times is part of the deal. Dr Andrea Bonior, a psychologist and relationships expert, says the red flag is when “you look back and see a long-standing pattern.”</p><p><strong>Step two: Understand your reluctance</strong></p><p>Why is a split so hard? There are many reasons. Friendships aren’t monogamous, Bonior explains, so it’s easy to enjoy your other buddies even when one particular person is dragging you down. That means less pressure to act.</p><p>“When the ball is rolling in a long-term friendship, it’s hard to stop,” says Bonior. “It’s part of the rhythm of our daily lives, and the inertia is powerful.” Because of this, we also tend to let our friends get away with bad behaviour.</p><p><strong>Step three: flee or face it</strong></p><p>Avoidance is a popular strategy. Suzanne tried that at first: she dodged Melissa’s calls and stayed away from her typical haunts, hoping to escape a difficult confrontation. Sometimes that approach can be successful, according to Bonior. “The slow fade works if it’s mutual,” she says. After all, some friends just naturally drift apart.</p><p>But if the split comes as an unpleasant surprise to one of the parties, says psychotherapist Kimberly Moffit, “the friend is left wondering why they’re being avoided.” In that case, a discussion is the respectful way to go. It also opens an avenue for making amends: “You’re giving your friend the opportunity to correct what’s wrong in the relationship,” says Moffit.</p><p>If you take a direct approach, Bonior suggests borrowing words from your romantic life: “Something like, ‘I know you’ve noticed I haven’t been able to spend time with you lately. I value our time as friends, but I can’t give what I used to.’”</p><p><strong>Step four: Grieve and rebuild</strong></p><p>“We may feel silly about having an emotional reaction,” says Bonior. “But even if you’ve initiated [the split], you can expect to feel sad about it. Let yourself mourn.” She advises consolidating your feelings in your mind, or in a journal, so you can sidestep the same patterns in the future.</p><p>Once you’ve got a handle on the emotional fallout, it’s time to expand your social circle. By putting your effort into meeting new people, you may just develop a deep, meaningful friendship to last a lifetime.</p><p>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/the-buddy-breakup-how-to-end-a-toxic-friendship">Readers Digest</a>.</p>

Relationships

Placeholder Content Image

3 ways we sabotage relationships (and 3 ways to kick the habit)

<p>Popular culture has plenty of examples of people sabotaging their romantic relationships.</p> <p>In the movie <em><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0147800/" target="_blank">10 Things I Hate About You</a></em>, Kat says she has no interest in romantic engagements. Then Patrick <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.moviequotedb.com/movies/10-things-i-hate-about-you/quote_150.html" target="_blank">asks</a> about her dating style:</p> <blockquote> <p>"You disappoint them from the start and then you’re covered, right?"</p> </blockquote> <p>But as the plot develops, we learn this is Kat’s way of protecting herself, to cope with the trauma of a previous relationship.</p> <p>Other people move through relationships searching for “the one”, making quick assessments of their romantic partners.</p> <p>In the TV series <em><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2211129/" target="_blank">The Mindy Project</a></em>, Mindy is a successful obstetrician and gynaecologist with poor relationship skills. She has a trail of relationship failures, and partners who did not measure up. She is looking for the “perfect” love story with unrealistic expectations.</p> <p><iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/8iCwtxJejik?wmode=transparent&amp;start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></p> <p><em><span class="caption">Jacob moves through sexual partners night after night to avoid a serious commitment, in the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love.</span></em></p> <p>Another example is Jacob in the movie <em><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1570728/" target="_blank">Crazy, Stupid, Love</a></em>. He quickly moves through sexual partners night after night to avoid a serious commitment.</p> <p>In the same movie, we meet Cal and Emily, who stayed in a marriage long term but had become complacent. This caused them to split, but once they started to work on themselves, they found a way to reconnect.</p> <p><strong>What is relationship sabotage?</strong></p> <p>My team and I <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-relationships-research/article/defining-romantic-selfsabotage-a-thematic-analysis-of-interviews-with-practising-psychologists/35531B41927851905281C7D815FE4199/share/ed27f1606df159cf7e3240f5c3136174c4991fe0" target="_blank">define</a> relationship sabotage as self-defeating attitudes and behaviours in (and out of) relationships. These stop relationships succeeding, or lead people to give up on them, justifying why these relationships fail.</p> <p>Most importantly, relationship sabotage is a self-protection strategy for a win-win outcome.</p> <p>For example, you might feel you win if the relationship survives despite your defensive strategies. Alternatively, if the relationship fails, your beliefs and choice to protect yourself are validated.</p> <p><strong>Why do we do this?</strong></p> <p><iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/kpIbl34SPNc?wmode=transparent&amp;start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></p> <p><em><span class="caption">Why do we sabotage love?</span></em></p> <p>We <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039" target="_blank">found</a> people sabotage their relationships mainly because of fear. This is despite wanting an intimate relationship.</p> <p>As Sam Smith says in his song <em><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_ub7Etch2U" target="_blank">Too Good at Goodbyes</a></em>:</p> <blockquote> <p>I’m never gonna let you close to me</p> <p>Even though you mean the most to me</p> <p>‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts.</p> </blockquote> <p>However, fear responses are not always visible or easy to identify. This is because our <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.guilford.com/books/Emotionally-Focused-Therapy-for-Couples/Greenberg-Johnson/9781606239278" target="_blank">emotions are layered</a> to protect us. Fear is a vulnerable (and core) emotion, which is commonly hidden beneath surface (or secondary) emotions, such as defensiveness.</p> <p><strong>Recognise any of these patterns?</strong></p> <p>Relationship sabotage is not a “one off” moment in a relationship. It happens when fear triggers patterns of responses from one relationship to the next.</p> <p>My research highlights <a rel="noopener" href="https://rdcu.be/czwUo" target="_blank">three main patterns</a> of attitudes and behaviours to look out for.</p> <p><strong>Defensiveness</strong></p> <p>Defensiveness, such as being angry or aggressive, is a counter-attack to a perceived threat. People who are defensive are motivated by wanting to validate themselves; they are looking to prove themselves right and protect their self-esteem.</p> <p>Threats that trigger defensiveness are a previous relationship trauma, difficulty with self-esteem, loss of hope, the possibility of getting hurt again, and fear of failure, rejection, abandonment and commitment. However, defensiveness is an instinctive response that sometimes makes sense.</p> <p>People can believe relationships often end up in “heart break”. One <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039" target="_blank">research participant</a> was tired of being criticised and having their feelings misunderstood:</p> <blockquote> <p>I protect myself from getting hurt in a romantic relationship by putting up all of my walls and not letting go of my guard.</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Trust difficulty</strong></p> <p>Having difficulty trusting others involves struggling to believe romantic partners and perhaps feeling jealous of their attention to others. People who feel this way might not feel safe and avoid feeling vulnerable in relationships.</p> <p>This is often a result of past experiences of having trust betrayed, or expecting to be betrayed. Betrayals could be as a result of small deceptions (a white lie) or bigger deceptions (infidelity).</p> <p>People explained choosing not to trust, or being unable to trust, was a way of avoiding being hurt again. One <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039" target="_blank">research participant</a> said:</p> <blockquote> <p>I no longer trust my romantic partners 100%. I will always be thinking about what I would do if they left or cheated, so I never get fully invested.</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Lack of relationship skills</strong></p> <p>This is when someone has limited insight or awareness into destructive tendencies in relationships. This may be a result of poor relationship role models, or negative interactions and outcomes from previous relationships.</p> <p>One <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039" target="_blank">research participant</a> said:</p> <blockquote> <p>What used to hold me back was lack of experience, poor relationship examples (from my parents), and my own immaturity.</p> </blockquote> <p>But relationship skills can be learned. Healthy relationships can help foster relationship skills and in turn lessen the effects of defensiveness and trust difficulty.</p> <p><strong>The cost of relationship sabotage</strong></p> <p>Relationship sabotage does not necessarily end relationships. This depends on whether these patterns are long term.</p> <p>For singles, relationship sabotage might prevent you from starting a relationship in the first place. For people in relationships, a long-term effect of repeatedly using self-defensive strategies might be to see your fears turn into reality, like a <a rel="noopener" href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9731324/" target="_blank">self-fulfilling prophecy</a>.</p> <p>Difficulties in intimate relationships are among the <a rel="noopener" href="https://janzssa.scholasticahq.com/article/8074-anzssa-heads-of-counselling-services-hocs-benchmarking-survey-2018-summary-report" target="_blank">top</a> main reasons for seeking counselling. Such difficulties are also <a rel="noopener" href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2003-88322-003" target="_blank">significant contributors</a> to anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts.</p> <p><strong>So, what we can you do about it?</strong></p> <p>I have seen <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039" target="_blank">countless testimonials</a> from people who sabotaged their relationships and felt helpless and hopeless. But here are three ways to <a rel="noopener" href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2013-34594-002" target="_blank">do something about it</a>:</p> <ul> <li> <p><strong>insight:</strong> we need to know who we are first, and the “baggage” we bring to relationships. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your fears and what you might be struggling with</p> </li> <li> <p><strong>expectations:</strong> we need to manage our expectations of romantic engagements. Understand what you can realistically expect of yourself and your partners</p> </li> <li> <p><strong>collaboration:</strong> you need to collaborate with your partner to implement strategies to maintain a healthy relationship. This means learning how to communicate better (across all topics, while being honest) and showing flexibility and understanding, especially when dealing with conflict.</p> </li> </ul> <p>Above all, believe you can have healthy relationships and deserve to be loved.</p> <p><em>If this article has raised issues for you, or if you’re concerned about someone you know, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.</em><!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/169467/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/raquel-peel-368041" target="_blank">Raquel Peel</a>, Lecturer, <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-southern-queensland-1069" target="_blank">University of Southern Queensland</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com" target="_blank">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/3-ways-we-sabotage-relationships-and-3-ways-to-kick-the-habit-169467" target="_blank">original article</a>.</em></p> <p><em>Image: Getty Images</em></p>

Relationships

Placeholder Content Image

“Very demeaning”: Megan Gale shares how the public’s reaction impacted her after breakup with Andy Lee

<div class="post_body_wrapper"> <div class="post_body"> <div class="body_text "> <p>A decade after Andy Lee and Megan Gale had parted ways, Gale has opened up about the fallout from the end of her relationship with the radio star.</p> <p>Gale has said that it was “demeaning” and felt like she had done something wrong.</p> <p>She was candid on<span> </span>Mamamia’s<span> </span>No Filter podcast and explained that she felt the public perception of her shift after the breakup.</p> <p>“It was very demeaning … It was really challenging to navigate for a while,” the former model told host Mia Freedman.</p> <p>“It wasn’t a good time. It almost felt like I had done something wrong and I had been tarnished like I’d done something wrong. When I was with (Andy), everyone loved us together,” she said.</p> <p>As Gale appeared to move on quickly with her new partner Shaun Hampson after parting ways with Lee, the breakup between the pair was confirmed long before it became public knowledge.</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/B2tekO8HqbX/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B2tekO8HqbX/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">A post shared by MEGAN GALE (@megankgale)</a> on Sep 22, 2019 at 3:44am PDT</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>“We were going through what we were going through very privately for quite a while, so when people found out we were broken up, I think it came as a bit of a shock and I did appear to have moved on relatively quickly.</p> <p>“It was new for other people, but it was old for us.”</p> <p>As Gale, 44, and Hampson, 32, began dating in January 2011, she felt that their age gap was given unnecessary focus after her breakup with Lee.</p> <p>“If he was 12 years older than me, it wouldn’t have been a problem. But because I was the woman and I was older, and it made it a bit salacious,” she said, revealing she was “aggravated” by the harsh double-standard.</p> <p>She also spoke to Anh Do on<span> </span>Anh’s Brush With Fame<span> </span>in 2017 about the age difference.</p> <p>“I was very aware of the fact that a lot would be made of not just how quickly I happened to move on, but the age difference,” she said.</p> <p>“I knew, I knew people would eat that up and make that a negative.”</p> <p>Gale and Hampson have been together since 2011 and have two children, River, 5 and Rosie, 2.</p> </div> </div> </div> <div class="post-action-bar-component-wrapper"> <div class="post-actions-component"> <div class="upper-row"><span class="like-bar-component"></span> <div class="watched-bookmark-container"></div> </div> </div> </div>

Relationships

Placeholder Content Image

Why breakups are so hard and how to cope with them

<p>Despite populist writings that love lasts forever, the divorce statistics across various countries tell us that anywhere between <a href="https://unstats.un.org/unsd/demographic/products/dyb/dyb2011/Table23.pdf">one in 25 to two in three marriages end</a>. If these statistics were to take into account the number of nonmarital long-term relationships that end, then the statistics would be much higher.</p> <p>Most of us experience a relationship breakup at some point in our lives. For some of us, the experience may be most profound when we lose our first love. This is largely because our first loves are our first experience at learning what romantic love is, how to navigate the joys and challenges of love and what it’s like to <a href="https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/abs/10.1146/annurev.psych.60.110707.163459">experience relationship loss</a>.</p> <p>For some, the loss of a first love is also the first time the physical and psychological <a href="https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/abs/10.1146/annurev.psych.60.110707.163459">symptoms of grief and loss are experienced</a>.</p> <p>A romantic relationship that has spanned a considerable time (decades in some cases) also provokes <a href="http://www.oxfordhandbooks.com/view/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780195398694.001.0001/oxfordhb-9780195398694">intense feelings of loss</a>, even when people knew their relationship was problematic. They may have found their relationship dissatisfying and view their former partner as insensitive, selfish, argumentative – even unloving - and still mourn the loss of it.</p> <p><strong>Why do we experience feelings of loss after breakup?</strong></p> <p>During the adult years, our romantic partners hold a <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300095">special significance</a> – a significance that was once held by our parents or parent-like figures. Our romantic partners become the primary people we turn to for <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300095">love, comfort, and security</a>.</p> <p>Above anyone else, we turn to our partners for care and support in times of threat and distress. We <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232603085_Interpersonal_Safe_Haven_and_Secure_Base_Caregiving_Processes_in_Adulthood">also turn to them for validation</a> and to share in our success during times of joy and achievement.</p> <p>The loss of the most significant person in our life causes us to experience distress, and in the early stages of relationship loss, this distress compounds. This is because our natural reaction when our partner isn’t physically or psychologically present to meet our needs is to “up” the distress. This increase in distress occurs for two reasons:</p> <ol> <li> <p>we feel more vulnerable when our partner is not there to meet our needs</p> </li> <li> <p>increasing our distress can alert our partner that we need their support</p> </li> </ol> <p>This is why breaking up is so hard: the key person in life that helps you deal with the good, the bad, and the ugly, is not there to help you deal with this highly distressing loss.</p> <p><strong>What are the typical emotions experienced?</strong></p> <p>The so called “normative” emotional response to relationship loss depends on whether you are doing the breaking up, or, your partner is breaking up with you.</p> <p>Breaking up with a long-term romantic partner is not something a person undertakes lightly. We generally only consider relationship <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Handbook-of-Divorce-and-Relationship-Dissolution/Fine-Harvey/p/book/9781315820880">breakup as a viable option if</a>:</p> <ul> <li> <p>our partner is consistently not meeting our needs</p> </li> <li> <p>we experience a relationship betrayal to the point trust cannot be restored</p> </li> <li> <p>stressors, challenges, and social disapproval outside the relationship are so chronic and intense the relationship breaks down to the point it cannot be revived.</p> </li> </ul> <p>The person doing the breaking up will often <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407598156005">experience</a> relief, mixed with feelings of guilt (because of the hurt they’re inflicting on their partner), anxiety (over how the breakup will be received) and sadness (especially if they still have love and fondness for their partner).</p> <p>For the person whose partner is breaking up with them, the <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00112.x">emotions experienced</a> often relate to the three phases of loss people undergo.</p> <p>In the first phase, a person protests the breakup and tries to re-establish closeness with their partner. In this phase, the dominant emotion experienced is one of anger, but the threat of loss brings about distress emotions such as panic and anxiety. These feelings of “separation protest” can sometimes be so strong that a person <a href="https://www.elsevier.com/books/adult-attachment/gillath/978-0-12-420020-3">works very hard to get back with their partner</a>.</p> <p>But if the relationship is truly at an end, then engaging in this kind of behaviour only makes it harder (and longer) to recover from the relationship loss. These powerful feelings that sit behind separation protest are why, even in toxic relationships, a person may wish to reunite with their partner.</p> <p>In the second phase, a person comes to the realisation that getting back together is not possible, and so, feelings of sadness dominate alongside feelings of lethargy and hopelessness.</p> <p>In the third phase, a person comes to terms with, and accepts, the loss. Time and energy is then devoted to other life tasks and goals (which can include seeking out a new partner).</p> <p>A question often asked when it comes to relationship breakups is “how long should I feel like this?”</p> <p>The experience of relationship loss is a very individual experience, and there’s great variability in how long it can take for people to recover from the loss.</p> <p>People’s circumstances can also complicate recovery. A relationship that ended (on good or bad terms), but still involves seeing one’s former partner (say, because they work at the same organisation or share custody of their children) can increase the process of recovery, and make it more challenging. This is because seeing one’s partner may reactivate feelings of hurt, anger or sadness, especially if a person didn’t want the relationship to end.</p> <p>We also know aspects of people’s personality can impact on their ability to recover from loss. People who experience <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300162">insecurity</a> about themselves and their relationships find it harder to deal with and recover from feelings of anger and sadness than people who feel secure within themselves and their relationships.</p> <p>In general, people tend to work through the various stages of loss to reach the recovery phase from anywhere between <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Handbook-of-Divorce-and-Relationship-Dissolution/Fine-Harvey/p/book/9781315820880">one month to six months</a> after the relationship has ended.</p> <p><strong>Recovering from relationship loss</strong></p> <p>People who recover from relationship loss tend not to <a href="https://www.elsevier.com/books/adult-attachment/gillath/978-0-12-420020-3">defend against the emotions they are experiencing</a>. That is, they try not to suppress or ignore their feelings, and in doing so, they give themselves the opportunity to process their emotions and to make sense of them. Some studies have suggested <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17439760802068480">writing about the loss</a>, much like journalling, can also help with recovery from relationship loss.</p> <p>On the other hand, <a href="https://www.elsevier.com/books/adult-attachment/gillath/978-0-12-420020-3">brooding over these emotions, not accepting the relationship loss</a>, and talking about the breakup with people who only increase your feelings of sadness and anger by reinforcing these negative feelings or further highlighting all you have lost, are not particularly constructive ways of dealing with the breakup.</p> <p>Seeking support from friends and family is important, but not only do people require emotional comfort, they also require encouragement that they can get through it, and reassurance that what they are experiencing is normal – and will pass.</p> <p>If a person is truly having a hard time dealing with the loss – they are in a constant state of sadness, feel chronically depressed, are unable to function on a daily basis – then seeking professional help from a counsellor or psychologist is highly advisable. Some people might just need a bit of extra help in learning how to process their emotions to reach recovery.</p> <p>Relationship breakups are never easy, and most of us will experience the pain of loss at some point in life. While the experience is painful and challenging, it can be a time where we learn a lot about ourselves, experience profound personal growth, and gain a greater appreciation of the kind of relationship we truly want.</p> <p><em>Written by <span>Gery Karantzas, Associate professor in Social Psychology / Relationship Science, Deakin University</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a href="https://theconversation.com/why-breakups-are-so-hard-and-how-to-cope-with-them-96339"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em></p>

Relationships

Placeholder Content Image

Lisa breaks down as she talks about breakup with Grant Kenny

<p>Lisa Curry and Olympian Grant Kenny who had three kids together, split in 2008.</p> <p>Despite this, the pair are yet to officially divorce which is stressing Lisa Curry as she approaches her wedding to Elvis impersonator, Mart Tabone.</p> <p>“I’ve got to find a dress; I’ve got to get a date; I’ve got to get a f***ing divorce,” Lisa revealed on <em>I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here!</em> </p> <p>Lisa has already spent more than four weeks in the South African jungle for the reality show and poured her heart out to fellow contender Natalie Bassingthwaighte.</p> <p>“The whole thing has been really hard for me. I just feel like I’m worn down and I miss my group, my friends, my own tribe and conversation, which I don’t have here and it is really hard,” Lisa said.</p> <p>The three time Olympian has been bonding with Natalie and beauty queen Tegan Martin while away in the jungle.</p> <p>The emotions were high in the jungle with the celebrities receiving video messages from their loved ones.</p> <p>Lisa received a message from her fiancé and her three kids, Jett, Jaimi and Morgan.</p> <p>Conflicting personalities is what heightened emotions even more, with Lisa having a crack at <em>Bachelor</em> reality former contestant Keira Maguire and <em>My Kitchen Rules</em> contestant Ash Pollard.</p> <p>“I have tried but I don’t want to try with some people because I can see right through them. Celebrity is not like it used to be. Celebrity 10 or 20 years ago, it meant you had done something with substance and you were celebrated for what you did. These days all you’ve got to do is go on a reality TV show and you are a celebrity. And that sucks, it embarrasses me.”</p> <p>Lisa’s emotional night was a surprise in the jungle as she is usually the one helping others sort through their worries. </p> <p><strong>Related links:</strong> </p> <div class="grid_6"> <div id="breadcrumbs"> <div itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/Breadcrumb"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/news/news/2017/02/jools-oliver-shares-picture-of-baby-river/"><strong>Jools Oliver shares pic of baby River wearing 45-year-old dungarees</strong></a></em></span></div> <div itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/Breadcrumb"> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/entertainment/tv/2017/01/most-repeated-tv-show-in-the-world/"><strong>The most-repeated TV show in the world will surprise you</strong></a></em></span></p> </div> <div itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/Breadcrumb"> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/entertainment/tv/2017/02/producers-name-difficult-celebrities-to-interview/"><strong>TV producers name the most difficult celebrities to interview</strong></a></em></span></p> </div> </div> </div>

TV

Placeholder Content Image

How to move on from a heart-wrenching breakup

<p><em><strong>Monica Parikh is a lawyer, writer and dating coach. Deeply interested in love and relationships, she recently started <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.schooloflovenyc.com/" target="_blank">School of Love NYC</a></span> to help men and women develop happier and healthier relationships.  </strong></em></p> <p>A former client, Deidre, called me, sobbing uncontrollably. Her beloved fiancé, Mac, texted her that he would be moving out. Texted her. Because an actual "Dear Jane" letter required too much effort. And a face-to-face conversation, too much courage. Only a few months prior, he had asked for her hand in marriage. Now, he was worried about who would get the mattress.</p> <p>With eight hours' notice, he removed all of his belongings from their home, taking a sledgehammer to her heart in the process. The worst part? She hadn't seen it coming because he had been such a "nice guy." She never realised his capacity for cruelty. After watching her Dr Jekyll become Mr Hyde, Deidre wondered how she would ever trust again.</p> <p>There is no doubt about it – a breakup will test your spiritual fortitude. While you may want to call names and point fingers, I advise taking the high road. The suggestions below are aimed at spiritual warriors who understand that breakups often lead to breakthroughs.</p> <p><strong>1. Choose happiness</strong></p> <p>Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Your ex does not determine your happiness or your self-esteem. Life is short, so don't waste it crying over someone who doesn't value all the gifts you bring to the table. If they don't, someone else will.</p> <p>Refuse to spend every day drowning in misery. Instead, take this time to grow. Vow to learn your lessons so you'll make new mistakes going forward instead of repeating the same ones.</p> <p><strong>2. Feel the pain</strong></p> <p>Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. Face your negative emotions as they arise, allowing yourself to feel sadness, grief, anxiety, and anger. Your emotions have risen to the surface for a reason. What are they here to teach you?</p> <p>Deidre had a range of emotions. As Deidre allowed herself to feel, she noticed something unbelievable – the negative emotions loosened their grip. She did feel bone-crushing sadness, but she also felt hope, gratitude, and joy at different moments in her day. Negativity only took root when she fought against it. But, as she relented, it passed. Often, it transformed into something beautiful and uplifting.</p> <p>We are complex humans with a range of emotions. Don't be afraid of the bad ones; they often allow you to feel gratitude for the good ones.</p> <p><strong>3. Accept</strong></p> <p>The Serenity Prayer counsels to "accept the things you cannot change" and to "change the things you can." You cannot change your ex's feelings, behaviour, or capacity for kindness or empathy. But you can change yourself. Learn from your mistakes, grow stronger, and take this time to fortify your character.</p> <p>Resist the urge to tell your ex how to live his life. Living your life is a full-time job; you don't have time to live his. Just like you, he is an adult – responsible for his decisions and the consequences of his actions. Once you take the focus off your ex, you're free to do the hard work of examining your own behaviour. Work on self-improvement so you can pave the way to greater happiness, self-esteem, and confidence.</p> <p><strong>4. Grow in empathy</strong></p> <p>As Deidre and I spoke about her heartbreaking situation, she related that her ex's father often abandoned the family for years at a time. Her ex was unknowingly repeating the dysfunctional patterns he had learned in childhood. Those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat it.</p> <p>I encouraged Deidre to keep her ex in her prayers. He didn't mean to hurt her; he was simply behaving in a way that seemed "normal" to him. Hurt people often hurt others.</p> <p>Empathy provides light in dark moments. It is also the gateway for forgiveness. Regardless of the outcome of their relationship, Deidre would need to make peace with the past so she could move forward in an empowering new way.</p> <p><strong>5. Remain open to possibilities</strong></p> <p>From my vantage point, Deidre was lucky. While she initially recoiled at this suggestion, I taught her to remain open to what Deepak Chopra calls the "field of all possibilities."</p> <p>This "crisis" could be the catalyst for a better, more conscious relationship between Deidre and Mac. He may "wake up," take ownership of the chaos he created, and do the hard work necessary to be a better partner. Deidre, too, may undo her own dysfunctional behaviors and move toward growth and forgiveness.</p> <p>If her ex does not take this opportunity for self-analysis and improvement, Deidre dodged a bullet, avoiding a marriage that would have likely ended in heartbreak or divorce. She is then free to find an emotionally mature and stable partner with the fortitude to do the hard work that relationships demand.</p> <p>But, most importantly and regardless of her partner's behavior, Deidre can use this time to deepen her love for herself—the most important person in her life. As she grows and improves, her chances for a fruitful and loving relationship does too.</p> <p>The Universe always is working for our best interest. Avoid attaching to any particular ending. Instead, say, "If not this, something better."</p> <p>Tomorrow, we will examine how Deidre's family upbringing negatively influenced her behavior in relationships. I hope you'll stay tuned.</p> <p><strong>Related links:</strong></p> <p><a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/lifestyle/relationships/2016/12/advice-i-wish-i-could-give-my-20-year-old-self-about-love/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>Advice I wish I could give my 20-year-old self about love</strong></em></span></a></p> <p><a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/lifestyle/relationships/2016/12/how-mindfulness-can-help-your-relationship/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>How mindfulness can help your relationship</strong></em></span></a></p> <p><a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/lifestyle/relationships/2016/12/should-previous-cheating-be-a-deal-breaker/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>Is a cheating partner a deal-breaker?</strong></em></span></a></p>

Relationships

Placeholder Content Image

How to take control of your money after a breakup

<p><strong><em>Monica Parikh is a lawyer, writer and dating coach. Deeply interested in love and relationships, she recently started <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.schooloflovenyc.com/" target="_blank">School of Love NYC</a></span> to help men and women develop happier and healthier relationships.  </em></strong></p> <p>The end of a relationship is always emotionally devastating. As hard as it is to face the tough stuff when your emotional life is in chaos, dismantling a shared financial life can make things even more difficult. For this article in my series on heartbreak with Aimee Harstein, LCSW, we reached out to Ellen Rogin — a New York Timesbest-selling author and financial counselor with 20 years of experience.</p> <p>Having counselled both men and women through traumatic breakups and their financial aftermath, Ellen offers the following five strategies to get through the mess and start taking control of your financial future:</p> <p><strong>1. Shift your perspective.</strong></p> <p>No matter the circumstances of your breakup, make it your main priority to develop a resilient attitude. Every hurt is an opportunity and a gift.</p> <p>“When people see events happening for them and not to them, they are better equipped to problem-solve and see the potential for personal growth,” said Ellen.</p> <p>“A failed relationship may be the beginning of a wonderful new chapter. I have seen individuals go back to school to further their education, change jobs to do something more fulfilling, or simply hunker down to understand their finances — all in the pursuit of independence and self-sufficiency.”</p> <p><strong>2. Flex your gratitude muscle.</strong></p> <p>Along with developing a resilient mindset, cultivate a daily gratitude practice. People who are grateful not only experience better health, less stress, and improved sleep, but they report increased happiness.</p> <p>“I’ve noticed that over-spenders tend to talk a lot about what they don’t have in their lives. In contrast, good savers are consistently taking time to show gratitude for what they have. Practicing gratitude consistently has a positive ripple effect in other areas, as well: reduced materialism, more fulfilling social relationships, and higher optimism and self-esteem.</p> <p>“Feeling prosperous — regardless of your financial situation — tends to attract more goodness into your life. This is true prosperity,” said Ellen.</p> <p><strong>3. Face your debt head-on.</strong></p> <p>In Ellen’s book, <em>Picture Your Prosperity</em>, she tells a story about Jeannie, a 30-something woman whose live-in boyfriend suddenly decided to move out. Jeannie stayed in the apartment but redecorated to remove all traces of her ex — quickly racking up credit card debt in the process.</p> <p>It’s very easy to splurge — buying a new wardrobe, treating yourself to expensive dinners, indulging in facials and massages — to soothe an aching heart. But if you’re spending more than you earn (or paying the minimum on your credit cards), you’re actually adding to your stress and depression.</p> <p>Research from the University of Wisconsin has shown that a 10 percent increase in credit card debt leads to a 14 percent increase in depressive symptoms. "The short-term ‘high’ you feel when you indulge is quickly replaced by low-grade depression, a loss of appetite, and feelings of loneliness,” said Ellen.</p> <p>“Instead, shore up your self-esteem and tackle the things that frighten you. Get a handle on how much you owe and to whom. Devise a strategy to pay more than the minimum on your credit card bills. Knock out debt with the highest interest rates first. The feeling of satisfaction and self-sufficiency will stay with you much longer.”</p> <p><strong>4. Visualize your goals to prioritize your spending.</strong></p> <p>While a tightening of the belt may be in order, we also advocate building a life that makes you feel good and that is a reflection of your values. Setting goals both immediate (i.e., a new dress) and long-term (i.e., a vacation in France to study cooking) makes life rich with possibility.</p> <p>“I encourage clients to use visualization techniques to create inspiring goals,” said Ellen. “People who use visualization are actually strengthening and conditioning their minds.</p> <p>"They have a much better chance of making their dreams a reality because they are alert to opportunities. This ‘dreamtime’ is actually a very powerful tool to create an abundant financial future.”</p> <p>Plus, compelling goals are a wonderful incentive, making it easier to say no to unnecessary expenditures. You’ll make more informed financial decisions that reflect your values and further your dream life.</p> <p><strong>5. Take ownership of your financial future.</strong></p> <p>In many long-term relationships, one (or both) partners might have been “wilfully blind” when it comes to understanding money. While it’s realistic to feel nervous about this subject, don’t allow fear to hamper your ability to get ahead.</p> <p>“You’d be surprised at how many ‘successful’ professionals have no idea how much they make, let alone how to invest money and save for the future,” said Ellen.</p> <p>“The good news is that fear is often much worse than reality. There are so many resources available that teach how to invest and save money, purchase insurance, and create an estate plan — the building blocks of financial wellness.”</p> <p>If this seems daunting, consider enrolling in a finance class or enlisting the services of a financial adviser. Whatever you do, commit to using this time of transition wisely and taking bold steps to create your strong financial future.</p> <p>What goal do you have in mind right now, to help you reach your financial goals? Let us know in the comments below.</p> <p><em><a href="http://www.ellenrogin.com/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Ellen Rogin, CPA and CFP</span></strong></a>, is a nationally recognized expert on building wealth. She speaks to audiences around the country on creating success and building wealth.</em></p> <p><strong>Related links:</strong></p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/08/ways-to-be-happier-and-why-your-relationship-depends-on-it/"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">25 ways to be happier (and why your relationship depends on it)</span></strong></em></a></p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/08/how-to-tell-people-about-your-divorce/"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">How to tell people about your divorce</span></strong></em></a></p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/08/why-some-people-take-breakups-harder-than-others/"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Why some people take breakups harder than others</span></strong></em></a></p>

Relationships

Placeholder Content Image

Why some people take breakups harder than others

<p>The world often seems divided into two groups of people; those who bounce back from a breakup and those who don’t. The reasoning behind this split has been a topic of interest for researchers who have been keen to uncover why some people are continually plagued by ghosts from their romantic past while others sail on through life with barely a scratch left behind.</p> <p>The loss of a partner or the disintegration of a relationship can make it very easy to fall into a negative head space where self-deprecation and incessant self-evaluation become common place. Research has found that when people are in a close relationship their self becomes intertwined with their partner’s self. Two halves of a whole so to speak. While this is completely normal relationship behavior, the demise of the relationship can cause some loss of self as partner’s battle to regain who they were before and who they are now, apart and aside from the person who was partnered up.</p> <p>The same research found that people reported the most prolonged distress after a romantic rejection when it caused damage to their self-image. When rejection is linked to self-esteem and self-image it somehow cuts deeper and can leave a lasting wound which can sometimes be carried into future relationships.</p> <p>Can a relationship breakup be healthy and possibly even productive? Separating breakups, breakdowns and rejection from the self is one of the best ways to survive a breakup with your sense of self in-tact. It’s important to consciously consider the stories we create and tell ourselves about the experience of breaking up. Creating a story where we learn from possible mistakes but also remain somewhat pragmatic appears to be the best way to move forward and most importantly, enter our next relationship with a healthy self-image.</p> <p>What did you find was most helpful when dealing with a breakup? Share your experiences with other Over60s in the comments below.</p> <p><strong>Related links:</strong></p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/07/friends-the-key-to-long-and-healthy-life/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>Friends are the key to a long and healthy life</strong></em></span></a></p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/07/attributes-only-your-old-friends-have/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>Why old friends are often the best kind of friends</strong></em></span></a></p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/06/how-to-turn-an-acquaintance-into-a-friendship/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>How to take a friendship to the next level</strong></em></span></a></p>

Relationships

Our Partners