Retirement Life

Community Contributor

The hilarious A-Z guide on the perils of ageing

The hilarious A-Z guide on the perils of ageing

Barbara Binland is the pen name of a senior, Julie Grenness, in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. She is a poet, writer, and part-time English and Maths tutor, with over 40 years of experience. Her many books are available on Amazon and Kindle.

Retirement Alphabet Soup!

Here is an ode to say,

Retirement Soup for us today!

A is for aging with attitude,

We are feisty old chicks and dudes!

B is for bronchitis, cough and blow,

And for bursitis, where did vigour go?

C is for COPD we were stoking,

With all our youthful smoking.

D is for diarrhoea,

No doctor wants to know ya!

E is for euthanasia,

Some geriatrics’ fantasia.

F is for the flatulence part,

Yes, we are grand old farts!

G is for the geriatricity stuff,

We got old, suck that up!

H is for halitosis for us,

Listerine is good, no need to fuss.

I is for Imodium’s task,

All you do is the chemist ask.

J is for jellybeans, eh?

Been to the pharmacist, let’s say,

Brought the lolly trolley today!

K is for our kids who also grow old,

Us they tell what to do, be told!

L is for laxatives for that constipation,

The flip side of grey consternation.

M is for MRI scans and tests,

All clear, we hope, that’s best.

N is for negative Normans around,

Wish grey positivity would abound.

O is for obesity sighs,

Cellulite for all our thighs!

P is for pappa’s don’t preach,

Lard butts so out of reach.

Q is for hope we don’t go queer,

No dementia here yet, dears.

R is for Retirement years,

We race on, switching gears.

S is for that sexuality bit,

Hope you made memories of blips!

T is for testicles, you can’t see ‘em,

Do oldies belong in museums?

U is for ultrasounds,

Our medical tests do abound.

V is for Ventolin inhalers for us,

Breathing disorders cause a fuss.

W is for the water works,

Fluid tablets are the worst!

X is for more X-rays today,

Got a photo of my bad back, yah!

Y is for that yellow jaundice for oldies,

Bilirubin levels make us feel mouldy.

Z is for this human zoo,

No rocking chairs for me and you!


That’s your alphabet soup today,

Welcome to our new old age!