The Golden Bachelor finale delivered everything you could possibly want from a primetime reality romance for the over-50s: love, heartbreak, tear-stained mascara and an extremely awkward dumping in the middle of an African plain. You know, just like our grandparents always dreamed of.
Barry “Bear” Myrden, 61 – widower, heartthrob, and the man brave enough to wear linen in the savannah – made his final choice on Sunday night after narrowing down a field of 20 glamorous, mature women with enviable skincare routines.
His final two? Sunny, a 58-year-old CEO from NSW who is originally from Korea and seems to run both boardrooms and hearts with equal efficiency, and Janette, a 61-year-old pilates studio owner from Victoria, rocking both core strength and new-grandma status.
In the end, Bear chose Sunny. Cue rose petals, heartfelt declarations, and the entire tourism board of Africa sighing with relief that someone finally got a happy ending after flying 14 hours for it.
“I’m in love,” Bear told host Sam Armytage during the finale. “I am in love. But it’s so bittersweet. I don’t feel good about breaking anyone’s heart, anytime. It’s going to be brutal.”
And brutal it was. There stood Janette, perched atop a scenic wildlife lookout usually reserved for BBC documentaries, as Bear gently crushed her dreams.
“You deserve a love worth fighting for. And I’m so sorry… It’s not with me.”
Janette, however, wasn’t going to hand over her dignity without a little Pilates-honed backbone:
“I’m fine. I read your eyes the minute I walked up here,” she said, ice cooler than the Champagne waiting back at the lodge.
When Bear tried softening the blow with a “really cared,” she served a reality check: “Don’t disrespect Sunny by saying anything like that. I hope you’re very happy, both of you.”
Then she strutted off, presumably thinking: I shaved my legs for this?
But backstage – aka the backseat of a four-wheel-drive – the tears finally arrived.
“I feel like a fool. I thought he was going to choose me.”
Meanwhile, Bear was busy describing Sunny as “accomplished, driven… she’s a force of nature. I didn’t think it was possible to fall in love again,” before presenting her with a ring representing his “love and commitment.” Sunny responded in pure romance-novel form: “dark days are gone and bright days are here because of you.”
Somewhere, Hallmark’s writers wept with jealousy.
Of course, loyal viewers are still recovering from the penultimate-episode heartbreak, when favourite Kim – a doctor who’s tragically widowed twice – was suddenly sent home.
Her instincts were spot-on, apparently thanks to years of reading both medical charts and crew members’ poker faces.
”My entire job as a doctor is reading people’s body language,” she told 9Entertainment. “I was reading the body language of the makeup artists and the hairdressers and the microphone guys who I developed a real relationship with … everybody was really quiet on the day that I went home, there was a different vibe, and I could pick it up,” she confessed.
“In my heart of hearts, I knew he wasn’t going to pick me only. I thought we had a genuine connection, but I thought this is ominous.”
It was ominous, but such is the world of televised late-life love.
Sunny gets the man. Bear gets a second chance at romance. Janette gets a fierce exit line.
And Kim? Well, someone inform Channel 9 that the Golden Bachelorette series basically casts itself.
Love never retires. It just gets better lighting and a passport.
Images: Nine Network
