Barry Du Bois has shared a candid reflection on fatherhood, illness and the worries that keep him awake at night, revealing the “heavy” thoughts he carries as a parent living with cancer.
The 65-year-old, who has been battling plasmacytoma myeloma since 2010, took to social media on January 27 to speak openly about his fears for his 13-year-old twins, Bennett and Arabella.
The long-term illness, which affects the immune system and attacks healthy bone marrow, has shaped the way he thinks about time, responsibility and what it means to be a good parent.
He said he is often consumed by questions such as, “Have I done enough, should I have done things differently, have I set my kids up properly and will they have the same opportunities as others?”
Du Bois said those thoughts can feel overwhelming.
“I know I have struggled at times with these thoughts so if something in these words feels familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re behind,” he wrote.
“It means you’re awake to what matters now. And that awareness can feel like pressure sometimes but it’s actually love colliding with time.”
He reflected on how becoming a father changed his outlook entirely, saying he had never thought this way before having children.
“I want to see more of this life with them, I want to protect them from the parts of life I already know can hurt,” he wrote.
Du Bois said he decided to share his feelings publicly in the hope it might help other parents who carry similar worries quietly.
“This feeling isn’t regret and it’s not failure, it’s love colliding with time,” he explained.
“And suddenly, the question isn’t how am I doing, it’s ‘have I done enough for them?’”
He also acknowledged that many men struggle to voice these fears.
“Many men carry this quietly because we don’t often hear men say: ‘I’m scared of not being enough for the people I love most.’”
Du Bois said what he described as “the provider instinct” can cause love to feel like stress, particularly when parents judge themselves harshly.
“It’s so important to remember your kids don’t see or understand the balance sheet. They don’t measure us by optimisation or perfection,” he said.
After spending time reflecting following a school holiday break with his family, Du Bois said fatherhood had altered his sense of time.
“Fatherhood doesn’t just change what you care about. It changes how time feels,” he wrote.
“Not because life suddenly gets shorter, but because it gets heavier with meaning.”
He also spoke about how personal growth can be mistaken for guilt.
“We can always see better choices in hindsight. That doesn’t mean we made bad ones – it means we’ve grown,” he wrote.
“And growth can feel like guilt if we don’t recognise it for what it is.”
Du Bois encouraged other fathers to speak openly about their worries, even briefly.
“Say it out loud (even briefly), ‘I’ve been worrying about whether I’m doing enough as a dad,’” he wrote.
“You’ll be surprised how many men say: ‘Yeah… me too.’”
Du Bois, who has been married to his wife Leonie for 26 years, underwent extensive surgery and radiotherapy 15 years ago after cancer destroyed the vertebra at the top of his spine.
He has previously said the treatment “saved my life”, delaying the need for chemotherapy until 2018.
While the disease remains incurable, he has said it is something he will “continue to manage for the rest of my life”.
Images: Instagram
