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How to get the men in your life to open up

How do you support the special men in your life who might be struggling with depression, anxiety, loneliness, chronic pain or other health problems? It might be your husband, your son or even your grandson. It might be a neighbour or a good family friend. Men have traditionally found opening up and connecting with the important people in their world, more challenging than women. In an ideal world, men who are struggling or in crisis would feel confident and empowered enough to ask for help. But statistics reveal that two thirds of men don’t. A beyondblue report found 50 per cent of men rarely talk about deeper personal issues with mates but almost a third wished they could open up more. A lot of men want greater openness with their mates but don’t always have the skills to start the conversation or know how to respond when a friend opens up. Alongside mental health professionals, the good news is that friends, family and community can disrupt the downward spiral. It’s as simple as A.L.E.C. A: Ask. Asking if they’re okay. Saying things like, ‘What’s up, have you got five minutes to chat?’ ‘Hey, you don’t seem yourself, you ok?’ ‘You’ve been out of sorts for a while, is everything ok?’ ‘My gut’s telling me something’s up with you, want to get a coffee and tell me what’s going on?’ L: Listen. Once you have gained their trust and they’ve agreed they need to talk, find a quiet place to let them open up. Listen without judgment and remember you don’t have to have the answers. Just letting someone get it off their chest can be the first and sometimes most powerful step in their help seeking journey. E: Encourage. Encourage them to seek help. Again, it’s not your role to fix whatever’s happening in their world. It could be suggesting they book in to see their GP, talk to their boss, another family member or a mental health professional. C: Check in. It’s important to check back in with them. Pick up the phone and follow up on your initial chat. Checking in lets them know you care about them and are committed to being there for them. It also reinforces that they matter. What if you ask someone if they’re ok and they say no? <ul> <li>Reassure them.</li> <li>Refer them to the <a href="https://www.ruok.org.au/findhelp">R U OK? Find Help page</a>, where a variety of services like Lifeline, beyondblue, Suicide Call Back Service and Griefline can be accessed.</li> <li>Suggest they contact their GP immediately.</li> </ul> R U OK? has designed a series of videos aimed at encouraging men of all ages to get comfortable asking their friends and family if they’re okay. By asking and listening we can show our loved ones they don’t need to tackle their problems alone and reassure them that help is available. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEmG14uBwEvDVzj7VdEp179Z9B833d1zC">Click here for R U OK?s manspeak videos, tips and resources.</a> For further information about R U OK? or for help go to, <a href="http://www.ruok.org.au/">www.ruok.org.au</a>.

Mind

The simple question that could help save a life

Each year, one in every five Australians will experience a mental illness. And each day, eight Australians commit suicide. These shocking statistics show there is still much to be done to de-stigmatise mental illness and to help people access the support they need. Thursday is R U OK? Day, a national day of action aimed at encouraging people to stay connected by asking one powerful but simple question: Are you ok? You don’t need to be an expert or professional to make a difference in someone’s life. All you have to be is a good listener. Ahead of the R U OK? Day this Thursday, here are some simple steps you can take to meaningfully connect with your loved ones: How can you tell if your friends or family members need help? R U OK? says to trust your gut instinct. You know your loved ones best and if you have a niggling feeling that someone you love isn’t behaving as they normally would, act on it. Let them know you’re here for them by starting a conversation. If all is well, your loved one will know you’re someone who cares enough to ask. Is there a right way to ask someone if they’re ok? R U OK? recommends asking yourself three questions before reaching out to a loved one: <ul> <li>Am I ready? – To helps others, you need to be in a good headspace. Are you ready to genuinely listen and support your loved one? Can you give them the time they need?</li> <li>Am I prepared? – You must be prepared for a range of responses. Your loved one might not be ready to talk, or they might feel ready to open up about their struggles. Make sure you’re prepared for the answer to your question, especially if that answer is: “No, I’m not”.</li> <li>Have you picked the right moment? – Timing is everything when it comes to sensitive discussions, so make sure you choose a relatively private and comfortable location where they’ll be enough time to have a proper chat. Choosing the right time might mean your loved one is in a better headspace to open up.</li> </ul> How should I prepare for a conversation when someone says they’re not ok? R U OK? says the main point to remember is to listen without judgement. Take what they say seriously and let them speak without interrupting or rushing them. Acknowledge their experiences but don’t judge or lecture them, and above all, encourage them to open up and explain how they’re feeling. They’ve suggested a few questions you can ask: <ul> <li>“What have you done in the past to manage similar situations?”</li> <li>“How would you like me to support you?"</li> <li>“What’s something you can do for yourself right now? Something that’s enjoyable or relaxing?”</li> </ul> If your loved one has been feeling down for more than two weeks, R U OK? suggests you encourage them to take action and see a health professional. Ultimately, it’s important you try to end the conversation on a proactive note, detailing what can be done or steps that can be taken to get help. What can I do if someone say they’re ok but I don’t think they are? If your loved one doesn’t want to talk, don’t criticise them. Let them know you’re asking because you’re genuinely concerned and care about them. Leave the door open by saying something like, “Please call me if you ever want to chat” or “Is there someone else you’d rather talk to?” If your gut is telling you something might be up, some gentle persistence might be required. Keep following up with them to make sure they’re ok. What else can I do? R U OK? is not just about asking if your loved ones are ok one day in the year, they want to inspire all people to have regular, meaningful conversations about life's ups and downs. So make sure you keep the conversation going and check in with your loved ones regularly. R U OK? is a not-for-profit organisation that aims to inspire Australians connect and to have regular, meaningful conversations every day of the year to help anyone who might not be ok. Find out more information by visiting the <a href="https://www.ruok.org.au/" target="_blank">website here.</a> Related links: <a href="/health/mind/2016/07/the-real-impact-of-loneliness-in-australia-and-how-to-combat-it/">The real impact of loneliness in Australia (and how to combat it)</a> <a href="/health/mind/2016/04/how-to-cope-with-feelings-of-vulnerability/">How to cope with feelings of vulnerability</a> <a href="/lifestyle/retirement-life/2016/06/tips-on-transitioning-into-retirement/">Tips on transitioning into retirement</a>

Mind

The real impact of loneliness in Australia (and how to combat it)

Alan Woodward is the Executive Director of Lifeline Research Foundation and research expert at R U OK?. Almost everybody has experienced the feeling of loneliness but not everyone knows what loneliness is. There are several aspects to understanding loneliness, but it starts with whether a person feels socially connected with other people or not. Loneliness for some people is the physical side of being alone; literally not having other people around to relate to. For some people living in rural and remote areas of Australia, that can be their reality. But people who are surrounded by others - even in the heart of a large city - can also experience loneliness. A person might feel they are not connected with others at all, even though there are many people around them. Therefore, the best understanding of loneliness is around the relationships and the quality of those relationships people have to others. Common causes of loneliness Sometimes, there are changes in the social supports that we’re receiving and the connections we have with people in our lives. It can occur suddenly - such as a death of a spouse or through a sudden relocation – or it can happen more gradually, like the nature of a relationship changing or the gradual onset of physical ill health and disability that can restrict people. For older people, loneliness can come after the loss of a loved one. They might struggle to redefine how they relate to others, given how much of their life has been about including the loved one. Sometimes loneliness comes after retiring from full-time work or other forms of work where so much of the person’s social relationships revolved around their identity at work. Or it comes after a relocation where a person now needs to renegotiate many of their social relationships. But over the course of our lifetime, our relationships do change and our socials supports change around that. Remember: we don’t live our lives statically, and sometimes changes in life render a need for re-establishing social connection and looking at skills and techniques to do that. So it is important for us to recognise that sometimes we might need to address the need for social support more deliberately. Addressing loneliness If you are experiencing loneliness, the first thing is to recognise that this is real and that people do become lonely. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. This is something that people do experience and even if you are feeling so incredibly alone and isolated, you may take some comfort in the fact that you’re not the only person in the world that has that experience. It’s not you; it’s not about you as a person, it’s about what’s happened in terms of your social connections and there are ways to address that. The second message is that it is worthwhile becoming socially connected. Life is enjoyable when we’re socially connected and we want our life to be enjoyable. Human beings are social creatures and our wellbeing is affected by the extent we feel socially connected to others, so it is worth the effort. The third message is to seek help; seek the support of others. Reach out to say you need some help. There are services and programs that are very helpful, but sometimes it is as simple as reaching out to a trusted person and say you need some help to become more socially engaged. Often times people feel reluctant to ask for help because they aren’t sure if people will want to help them or that there isn’t help for their own situation. Although these are understandable reasons, remember that these are not good reasons to not ask for help. There is help available. How you can help One of the things that R U OK? has sought to promote in the wider community is the value of the positive helping conversation. At the heart of the helping conversation is the ability to listen. So telling a lonely person what to do is not going to be very helpful. We need to listen and understand what is happening for people who are feeling isolated. Often the solution lies in reaching out to a person in a respectful way so that they do feel included. Again the emphasis is on the helping conversation. The most helpful thing you can do sometimes is to ask people what is happening for them; what is their experience. In doing so and then genuinely listening to what a person says, it is demonstrating that someone is interested, someone does care, and that there is real value in making the effort to relate socially to others. It is a remarkably simple thing to ask a person how they’re going and ask if they are ok. And then to allow them to talk. R U OK? is a not-for-profit organisation that aims to inspire Australians to connect and have regular, meaningful conversations every day of the year to help anyone who might not be ok. Find more information <a href="https://www.ruok.org.au/" target="_blank">here</a>. If you, or someone you know, is experiencing a personal crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. Related links: <a href="/health/mind/2016/06/expert-tips-to-be-happier/">6 expert tips to be happier</a> <a href="/health/mind/2016/04/how-to-cope-with-feelings-of-vulnerability/">How to cope with feelings of vulnerability</a> <a href="/health/mind/2015/03/loneliness-twice-as-unhealthy-as-obesity/">Loneliness can be twice as unhealthy as obesity in older people</a>

Mind

Thank you Pop for your weekly calls

Jaelea Skehan is the director of the Hunter Institute of Mental Health and a member of the Conversation Think Tank for R U OK? Day. To encourage others to reflect on the value of asking “Are you ok?” she’s shared a letter she wrote to her grandfather, Gerry. Dear Pop, I work in mental health and I know all too well how important connecting with those around you is, and the power of asking are you ok? I want more and more Australians to have the confidence to ask each other are you ok? But the reality is, people don’t have to actually ask those exact words for a conversation to change a life. I learnt that from you. I live a very busy life. I work long hours, I travel constantly and I am not the best at taking ‘me’ time. I am one of those people who often puts the needs of others before my own. But once a week, I stop what I am doing to take a call from you. Sometimes when you call on a Sunday I am feeling physically and psychologically empty after spending five very long days at work and eight hours at netball on a Saturday. If something bad happens during the week at work or in life, it will usually hit me on a Sunday. But then something happens. You call me. The phone calls are usually quite short and often a summary of where I have been that week, whether I won at netball, the status of your bad leg and other ailments and whether or not you had a win on the races. But they are so more than that. They are regular. They show love. And they keep me connected to you and connected to life. You don’t have to actually ask me whether I am okay, but I know that when you call every week, you care that I am. We have history – you are the one who baked me scones every Saturday, the one who watched me every Friday night for the price of a block of chocolate and the one who still takes a 12 hour train trip to visit me at Christmas. We don’t see eye to eye on current affairs, politics, or even religion any more. But in the era of text messages, Facebook, twitter and messenger, you are the one phone call I can expect every week. Not a work call, but a personal call. A call that is all about me, and just because. I value those phone calls more than perhaps I have ever told you. Not for the specific words we say to each other, but because of the regular time we have together. For me, it is like someone holding a neon sign in front of me asking, "Are you ok?" once a week. Some weeks I am not, and your call always makes a difference. Thanks for asking. Jaelea R U OK? is a not-for-profit organisation that aims to inspire Australians connect and to have regular, meaningful conversations every day of the year to help anyone who might not be ok. Find out more information by visiting the <a href="https://www.ruok.org.au/" target="_blank">website here.</a> Related links: <a href="/lifestyle/family-pets/2016/06/things-i-am-saving-to-leave-behind-to-my-grandson/">10 treasures I’m saving to leave behind to my grandson</a> <a href="/lifestyle/family-pets/2016/05/life-lessons-my-96-year-old-mother-inadvertently-taught-me/">Life lessons my 96-year-old mother inadvertently taught me</a> <a href="/lifestyle/family-pets/2016/05/raising-my-grandchild-is-tough-but-amazing/">Taking over raising our grandchild was tough but the most amazing thing we’ve done</a>

Family & Pets

Tips on transitioning into retirement

Rachel Clement is the Director of Psychological Services at the Centre for Corporate Health member of R U OK? Conversation Think Tank. How people transition into retirement can be quite polarising and depends heavily on how they have planned for this transition; their financial situation; their health, both psychological and physical; and their perception of what retirement will be like. Someone who has carefully planned their retirement is likely to feel more optimistic about the transition than someone who is forced into early retirement due to redundancy or ill health. With so many contributing factors – including financial issues, emotional issues, relationship issues and health issues – it can be a stressful and emotional time. For those who have been forced into retirement, there is an increased link to experiencing depression. However, should an individual have the opportunity to retire by gradually reducing their work days over time, or working in flexible ways such as contracting a few days a week, this can actually ease the stress associated with leaving the workforce ‘cold turkey’. Many people these days will remain in paid or unpaid forms of employment for a lot longer than in previous times. Often retirement is about transitioning in to a ‘new phase’ of one’s life. When people retire, those who have strong social support and who are engaged in the community usually have the smoothest and most enjoyable transition. This is important when going through any change in your life because supportive relationships are one of the strongest buffers for our mental health and resilience. When getting ready to retire you should consider: <ul> <li>Cutting back on work gradually to give yourself time to adjust to retirement life over time.</li> <li>Before you retire, think about what you plan to do with your extra time. Join community groups or clubs so you build your social support network.</li> <li>Set some goals for yourself for after your retirement to keep you on track and feeling a sense of purpose, achievement and motivation. Consulting a career coach can be a great way of helping with this.</li> <li>Focus on your health and fitness, not only to ward off excessive health care costs but also to make your retirement an enjoyable time.</li> <li>Get your finances in order and find new ways to cut your expenses to reduce any financial pressure.</li> <li>Look into some volunteer options in a field that you are passionate about. Having meaning and purpose is very important for maintaining your wellbeing through this time of transition.</li> <li>Talk to your friends and family about what you want your retirement to be like. This helps them to adjust their expectations (“No, I don’t want to transition to a full time baby-sitter!”) and gives them insight into what might be the early warning signs that you may not be adjusting to retirement</li> <li>Stay connected to friends and family.</li> </ul> As a loved one of someone who is retiring, it is important to be aware of some of the early warning signs that your loved one may not be coping with the transition. Some of these early warning signs include: <ul> <li>Irritability and frustration</li> <li>Anger</li> <li>Moods swings</li> <li>Withdrawing from friends and family</li> <li>Sleep disturbance</li> <li>Ceasing usual activities</li> </ul> If you notice your loved one is not coping with retirement, it is important to have a supportive conversation with them to help them get back on track. Encouraging them to get active, try something new or join a community group can all help in reducing feelings of loneliness and helplessness. If they need extra encouragement, consider going along to volunteer with them in an area they are interested in as they may just need a little extra support during this time. If you notice that they are experiencing low mood, increased anxiety or not being themselves for longer than two weeks, it is important to encourage them to speak to their GP or another health professional such as a psychologist to help them manage the transition and get back on track. How did you find adjusting to retirement? Share your experience in the comments below. R U OK? is a not-for-profit organisation that aims to inspire Australians connect and to have regular, meaningful conversations every day of the year to help anyone who might not be ok. Find more information at their <a href="https://www.ruok.org.au/" target="_blank">website here.</a> Related links: <a href="/lifestyle/retirement-life/2016/05/are-you-having-a-late-life-crisis/">Are you having a “late-life” crisis?</a> <a href="/lifestyle/retirement-life/2016/04/why-you-should-still-set-an-alarm-when-you-retire/">Why you should still set an alarm when you retire</a> <a href="/lifestyle/retirement-life/2016/04/why-everyone-should-share-their-life-story/">Why everyone should share their life story</a>

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How to get the men in your life to open up

The simple question that could help save a life