9 tips to help you feel connected to others
Sophie Scott is the national medical reporter for the ABC, in addition to being a prominent public speaker. Sophie has won numerous awards for excellence in journalism and is the author of two books, Live a Longer Life and Roadtesting Happiness.
One of the best ways to live a longer and happier life is to feel more connected to others. We all want to live lives where interactions with others are not superficial, where we feel we have a connection, a close contact, where we can reflect our own values, thoughts and experiences in those around us. Whether it’s through friends, family, children or the work we do. Yet many of us go for days, weeks or even longer without any meaningful contact with others. It’s not necessarily about spending time with others. You can be alone in a room full of people or connected with yourself, through music, reading, art, while you are on your own.
Being connected allows us to feel intimacy, whether it’s emotional, sexual, physical or intellectual. To get those feelings of intimacy, a good first step is review your expectations and assumptions about your relationships. If it’s a spouse or partner, we assume they know how you are feeling or that they ‘should’ react and respond a certain way. Losing those inbuilt assumptions is the first step to intimacy and feeling connected.
Many people describe feeling connected as being lost or caught up in the moment, devoting your attention fully to one person or activity. Another way of describing it is ‘being in the flow’ or “mindfulness”. It just means ignoring distractions, giving your time and attention to whatever you are doing at that moment. To enjoy the process of whatever you are doing.
In many ways, it is the opposite of what we all do every day with multi-tasking and trying to do many things at once. Society is obsessed with being busy. It’s worn as a badge of honour. “I’m so busy!” really means “I’m so important”. But what busyness confers is an inability to focus and connect with others in a meaningful way. If you are rushing from one commitment to another, working long hours, the opportunity for meaningful contact is lost. Busyness does not equal fulfilment, though many of us think it will. So part of being able to connect, is to step back from commitments and to say no, freeing yourself to do what makes you happy. Many women, in particular, agree to take on many responsibilities, through family, work, school, church or volunteering. What connecting is about is finding the activities and roles that are meaningful to you, and saying no to the others.
For others, it’s not a matter of too much to do, it’s finding social connection as life experiences change and evolve. For some it might mean retirement or a move to part time work. Others may find relocating to a new area means you need to re-establish your social networks. No matter what your particular circumstances, finding meaningful ways to connect with others is something we all need, to feel really happy in the quest to live longer.
How to become more connected:
- Focus on your strengths and interests. It’s easier to connect with people who you already have something in common with. Community courses, such as cooking, wine appreciation or languages are ideal, as they are interactive. Sports are a potential source of connections, particularly a local, social club.
- Find your passion. Is it art, bush care, saving the environment? Use your hobbies and the things you really care about to meet others with similar views.
- Connect with someone you already know. Many of us have friends and acquaintances whose company we enjoy but who we don’t make time to see. Call an old friend you haven’t spoken to for ages. Make the first step to re-establish contact and they will be glad to hear from you.
- Mentor someone or ask for help. Depending on where you are in your career, study or volunteer work, if you feel you have skills to help someone who is learning, offer your assistance. Or if you are in need of help, don’t be afraid to ask for it.
- Say hello to a stranger. Everyday we miss the opportunity for contact with many, many people, either because we are too busy, distracted or don’t think it’s important enough. Whether it’s the check out operator at the supermarket, the receptionist or your taxi driver. If you smile, make eye contact and say hello or thank you, you will have a connection.
- Volunteer. Countless studies show that helping others raises happiness levels of the person giving their time. Don’t just write a cheque. Supporting your favourite charity financially is great, but giving of your time will enrich you in many more ways.
- Write a wish list. A wish list is a catalogue of your hopes, dreams and aspirations. It’s not a planning document, it’s an opportunity to let your imagination run wild and remember back to what you wanted to achieve and what made you happy when you were a child. A wish list is a way of delving into what makes you feel fulfilled.
- Reconnect with nature. Find an outdoor activity where you can appreciate natural beauty, such as visiting a beautiful garden, swimming or walking at the beach or the bush. Plant a garden of native flowers or a vegetable patch to encourage your connection to nature.
- Celebrate others. We are surrounded by people who support us, whether it’s friends, family or co-workers. Yet so often, we do not take the time to say thank you, or I appreciate what you do for me. Write a list of the important people in your life and send each one a letter of love.
This is an extract from Sophie Scott’s Live a Longer Life. Click here to buy a copy.
Follow Sophie Scott’s popular blog on health and happiness here.
Related links:
The best way to apologise, according to science
Always being right is ruining your relationship
6 marriage secrets relationship experts want you to know