Subtle signs divorce might be just around the corner
Wondering if your relationship is on the rocks? Psychologists John Gottman and Robert Levenson have studied numerous married couples and come up with a short list of behaviours that point to divorce with startling accuracy. Meet the Four Horsemen of the (Marriage) Apocalypse.
Contempt
This behaviour is the one psychologists call the ‘kiss of death’ for any relationship. Contempt means feeling that our partner is beneath you and is a toxic emotion that it can be hard to put up with. If your partner feels contempt for you, then they will be unlikely to feel any respect or empathy for you at the same time. One person cannot always feel that they are the smartest, the most sensitive, the most powerful and, ultimately, the most important. Partnerships need to be equal to survive.
Criticism
Nobody is perfect and couples are well within their rights to point out bad behaviour or mistakes that impact the relationship. The key is to avoid letting a criticism about something your partner did turn into a criticism of who they are as a person. It is this type of criticism that has the power to destroy a relationship. Try to focus on their behaviour and how this makes you feel, rather than directly attacking their character. Over time, these criticisms can build up and lead to feelings of anger, disgust and contempt toward your partner.
Defensiveness
If “it wasn’t my fault!” is your favourite expression in your relationship, it could be in trouble. By it’s very nature, defensiveness removes responsibility from you and puts it on to another person, generally your partner. If you are always playing the victim, that makes your partner the bad guy. I can be uncomfortable to step up and acknowledge your responsibility for a bad situation, but it is the best way to prevent a situation from escalating.
Stonewalling
You might think that the best thing to do when you feel a fight brewing is ignore it and walk away. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. This is stonewalling your partner, physically preventing them from continuing a conversation and addressing an issue, even if it ends in an argument. No one like a fight, but this temporary period of tension and anger can actually help you work out issues, reveal your true feelings or get an understanding of what your partner is feeling. Give them the chance to speak and don’t try to avoid confrontation just for the sake of it.
Have you been through a divorce? What advice would you give to someone struggling in a similar situation? Let us know in the comments.