How to deal with rejection in romance
Dorrie Jacobson, 81, an internationally recognised expert on ageing stylishly, writes for her popular website Senior Style Bible. She also writes about senior sexuality and her experiences with online dating as an older woman.
No matter how old we are, dating is like taking a time machine directly back to high school where we are still fraught with the same fears and insecurities as we were as teenagers. It never really changes, so it’s important to acknowledge that dating requires taking some risks and honing a few skills.
Okay, so here you are…. back on the scene. The first date went well. You felt an immediate attraction and thought the feeling was mutual. You had a great time, he seemed interested in you, and you were sure he would call for a second date. Now a week has passed and you haven’t heard a single word. No email. No text. No phone call, just absolute silence. For the life of you, you can’t figure out what went wrong, or what to do now.
Let’s start with how to gauge a man’s interest during the date. Is he making extended eye contact? Is he casually touching your arm or accidentally brushing your leg in conversation? You can usually tell if a man is interested in you by his body language. Is he leaning in when speaking to you? These are all tell-tale signs that a man is attracted to you. However, some men are quite reserved and may not be comfortable sending out these kinds of overt signals on a first date. That doesn’t mean that he’s not interested. If you aren’t sure, it’s always best to give a man a bit of encouragement. We are all wary of rejection, so perhaps he simply needs a green light from you indicating that you are interested in seeing him again. A simple way to do that is to send him an email the following day that says “Thanks for a fun evening.” Perhaps one or two more lines, and that’s it. Keep it short and sweet. If he likes you, then that should be all of the encouragement that he needs. Now sit back and wait. No chasing him with texts, follow up emails or phone calls. The rules haven’t changed that much. Appearing too keen is a sure fire way to send a first date running for the hills, so go do something to occupy your time (and your hands) until he calls you.
If after a week or two, it’s still radio silence, you probably aren’t going to hear from him again. At this point you have two options, let it go, or take a risk and reach out one more time. Sometimes a man is dating multiple women and is busy trying to figure out who the contenders are and will be out of touch for a little while. This is completely normal. So if you are willing to take a risk, send a very short email that is funny, charming and suggests meeting up again. However, only do this if you are the kind of person that won’t wallow in rejection if it doesn’t go your way. If you can take it, go for it, but if you can’t, don’t put yourself in a situation where you are going to get your feelings hurt and withdraw from dating entirely. It’s important to know your own emotional boundaries and to protect yourself.
So, you send the email and never hear from him again. You mustn’t wallow or beat yourself up. Let’s not fantasize or give this any more importance than it deserves. You just spent a few hours of your life with a stranger and had a good time, now let it go. There are a million reasons why he didn’t call and you will never know why, so don’t take it personally.
However, if you keep having the same experience with date after date, then you might want to take a better look at the events of the evening and some of the dos and don’ts of a successful first date.
Do: Show an interest. Ask him questions, but don’t interrogate him.
Do: Show up on time, looking your best and dressed for the occasion.
Do: Keep the conversation fun and light.
Do: Keep some mystery about yourself. Don’t over share.
Do: Flirt and remember to compliment him. Don’t gush and over-do it.
Don’t: Pick the most expensive place in town for your first date.
Don’t: Dress in your sexiest outfit and wear all of your jewels.
Don’t: Discuss personal problems, finances, divorce or ex-partners
Don’t: Come on too strong. Men like a challenge.
Don’t: Discuss your children, grandchildren or health issues.
Don’t: Ask questions that are too personal.
Don’t: Have more than two drinks
So, if you think you were the perfect date, you need to ask one more question, and this is the most important one…are your profile pictures an accurate reflection of who you really are? If they aren’t, change them and you will have a different outcome. Please remember that dating means being able to handle a bit of rejection. There will be men who you will not want to date again as well. We are all out there taking the same risks, so let’s not take it all too seriously!
What do you do to pick yourself up after personal rejection? Let us know in the comments below.
For more of Dorrie Jacobson, please visit Senior Style Bible or her popular Instagram here.
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Related links:
6 trusted tips for finding love
5 questions to ask yourself before dating after a divorce
Breaking up doesn’t have to break you