Grandparenting in the 21st century
Rosie Hersch, 68, is a retired pharmacist, whose hobbies include studying, cooking and theatre. Her biggest passion is travel and like the song says, “I've been everywhere man (well almost).”
On the Eve of Passover, the celebration of how Moses led his people out of bondage in Egypt to freedom in the Promised Land, a dinner is preceded by traditional stories. A most important question that has been asked down through the centuries since that time is “why is this night different from all other nights”.
So on a different subject I ask in the same phrasing of words, why are we grandparents today different from grandparents that went before us.
I don’t know about other grandparents but my husband and I relied on our own resources to look after our children when they were growing up. My parents never babysat. They both suffered with health issues from quite a young age so we did not have any expectations. The in-laws were much younger than my parents but being cultured Hungarians they were very busy socially, hosting dinner parties, going to the symphony concerts, the opera and the ballet. They would disappear from Melbourne in June and head north to sunny Queensland for three months. If and when they were free during the week they would help out for an hour or two here and there. They had made it known that “they were the grandparents not the babysitters so not to expect them to look after the children on weekend”.
So what has happened? Today all our children seem to have much higher demands and expectations of us. They expect that we devote so much more time to helping look after their children. Don’t get me wrong, I love my grandchildren to bits. I adore being with them but I always thought that when I retired I would have freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted. Instead I find that every day I seem to be watching the clock on the Nana schedule.
Now when I was in paid employment there was always the pressures of work, meeting busy deadlines on a daily basis, and then rushing home to juggle the children’s after-school activities. Then home to make dinner, do the washing, shopping, parental chores that we all can relate to. I really believed that when I finished my working life I would have all this wonderful time on my hands and demands on my time would be at my choosing.
Instead I find that most days I either have a child all day or am busy picking up one or two from crèche or kinder. I am always racking my brains as what to give them for dinner, half of which ends up on the floor anyway. If that is not enough there are always the questions: “Mum, if you are not busy this weekend can you babysit on Saturday night or Sunday”. Of course if we are not busy we do help out. So even on some weekends we are committed. And I know from talking to lots of friends we are all in the same boat.
Interestingly enough there have been recent articles in the press suggesting that grandparents should receive some financial compensation from the government for time spent looking after grand children.
Nevertheless, how did we get to this stage from our time as young parents.
Is it the fact that babysitters, crèches and kindergartens are so expensive that our children can only afford these options for a few hours a week and then again some parents cannot even afford this?
Is it because of a shortage of child caring facilities?
Is it that our children want the latest and best of everything in their homes and there is no money left for baby minders?
Is it just that the cost of living is so high that young kids need to rely on us because without us grandparents to support them life for our children would be much harder financially than it was for us back then?
Is that what we are afraid of and why we do not and cannot say no to every nana or poppy on call request?
My conclusion is that it is probably a combination of all the above. I hear from friends that some grandparents won’t even think of planning a holiday because they are in such demand. This I find is a little extreme. In reflection, the wisest strategy is probably to draw the line at what your children can and should expect. If their request goes over this line then the answer has to be no. Sometimes our children forget that we are all 30 to 40 years older than when we had children so our energy levels are not the same. On the other hand I must secretly confide that we probably all spoil our grandchildren, something we did not do with our own children. We are all softies when it comes to them. We are much easier targets than their parents and these little people know just how to pull at our heart strings. But then again there is that wonderful cliché; it is so nice to look after these grandkiddies but it is so nice to be able to hand them back to their parents.
If you have a story to share please get in touch with melody@oversixty.com.au
Related links:
The new rules of grandparenthood
10 of the best activities to do with grandchildren
100 years of family dinner in 3 minutes