How to move forward from grief
Doing the research for my book on coping with grief, I forced myself to read countless articles from one of the field's snappily titled academic journals, Death Studies. Hour after hour of reading about bereavement threatened at times to drown me. But, occasionally, I'd stumble upon an article that made all the hanging out with the Grim Reaper worth it.
My favourite theoretical paper from Death Studies suggests that a healthy way to approach bereavement is to oscillate back and forth, at times facing up to our grief while at others, avoiding thinking about it by immersing ourselves in distracting activities.
Oscillating between approach and withdrawal allows us to recover from grief's hefty emotional toll.
Reading this suddenly made sense of my life: how one day I could dive right in, fully experiencing and exploring the pain and the torrid emotions, but on other days, I'd run a mile – sometimes literally – rather than think about it.
Take a breather
Grieving is so exhausting we cannot keep it up without finding some form of distraction, such as activities or friends, that afford us a little relief. Provided that denial is not extreme or persistent, intermittently burying our heads in the sand is OK.
Learning that this process of oscillation is necessary for "optimal adjustment over time" was immensely reassuring for me.
"Coping is embedded in everyday life experience, which involves taking time off from grieving, as when watching an engrossing TV programme, reading, talking with friends about some other topic or sleeping," explain the researchers, making their article a rarity in academic journals, not usually known for advocating television-watching.
A friend, Claire, another mother who lost a daughter, described this process as like dipping her toe in the water.
"Some days I can get my whole foot in, other days it [the pain] is just too much," she explains.
Set your egg timer
In many ways this applies to everyday existence, too. People suffering from depression often find themselves stuck in an ongoing internal dialogue known as rumination – thoughts churn over and over in their minds as they endeavour to make sense of an earlier conversation or explain frustrating events.
When rumination is short-lived it can be useful, helping us to organise our thoughts, work out what went wrong and how we can avoid similar situations. But when we ruminate intensely, covering the same ground over and over, it is detrimental; the human brain also needs rest from this. So, if this sounds like you, put a timer on for a minute, allow yourself that time to mull the matter over and, once the minute's up, find a distracting activity to engage in, something that will occupy your attention fully.
Get engaged
Whether it's grief, depression or just surviving the trials and tribulations of life, finding activities helps break the grip of negative thoughts, at least temporarily. But if you're struggling to find your way off the couch, take a leaf out of my friend Claire's book.
When grief threatens to overwhelm her, she turns her attention to cleaning the teaspoon drawer.
"It may sound odd but I tell myself… OK, you've cried now, you need to get up and do something.
"I have come to realise that by giving myself permission to be sad and grieve, but also giving myself a reason to take me out of grief – even if all I'm doing is cleaning the crumbs from the teaspoon drawer – I've moved, and the movement switches my emotions from despondency to a purpose again."
Approach and withdraw, approach and withdraw...Whatever it is you're dealing with, make sure you give yourself time to recover.
Written by Lucy Hone. First appeared on Stuff.co.nz.