How to cope with gut-wrenching loss
Grief will inevitably pop up somewhere in life, prompted by an awful event - the death of a relative, friend or even a pet.
We all feel that gut-wrenching loss at some point and it's ghastly.
But grief doesn't confine itself to death alone. There are other losses in life that can slam us, unexpectedly.
And they warrant our attention because the pain of grief is taxing and can stem from any number of life events, including loss of independence, relationship breakdowns, illness, financial insecurity, retirement, homelessness and social isolation.
When I recently endured a messy mire of sorrow, I was stumped as to what was going on until I realised I was experiencing grief - even though no one had died.
The late Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross pioneered the view, in the 1960s, that we can roll in and out of five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression (or sadness) and acceptance - not always experienced in that order.
While her understanding of the experience focused on death and dying, it's applicable to grief arising from any kind of loss.
Australian Michael Pierce, 65, was struggling with a series of losses including family deaths, relationship breakdowns, suicides, job and health challenges, but was disappointed at the lack of information about how to handle grief that wasn't a by-product of death alone.
So he sought professional help and then wrote a book, Loss (Balboa Press, $9), to help others cope.
“Loss started for me when I was 10 years of age and developed rheumatism,” Pierce recalls.
“It paralysed me and affected my heart and I was taken to hospital, where they tied me down for three months because they didn't want me to run around and strain my heart.
“I remember I used to pray to God and bargain. A 10-year-old wants to run around. So I think that was my first experience of loss.”
Pierce refers to the many losses in his life as “one thing after another” but recognises that loss and grief are a natural part of life: “Everybody in life will go through loss, whether they like it or not.”
Janine Clarke, psychologist and eHealth program manager at Sydney's Black Dog Institute, says that regardless of the type of loss, grief is a natural response and the psychological impact of it on people can be enormous.
“Grief is the painful thoughts and painful feelings people will often experience when something or someone they love, they care about, they value, is no longer there,” says Clarke.
“It's pain that reflects the discrepancy between what someone ideally wants and what they currently have.”
Clarke adds that grief can be an “emotional storm” and roller coaster for many people, who can move in and out of the various stages of grief on a daily or weekly basis as they process loss.
“There is a real reluctance for some people to acknowledge sadness when it presents itself because the popular message is we need to be tough, to persist, even to avoid sadness when it shows up,” she says.
“It can be really difficult for people to sit with grief and loss.”
Causes of grief
- Death of a relative, friend or pet
- Miscarriage
- Divorce or relationship breakdown
- End of a friendship
- Acute or chronic illness
- Sudden unemployment
- Retirement
- Financial instability
- Homelessness
Acceptance
It can be helpful for people to know that feelings of sadness, of denial, of anger, are a normal response to loss.
Noticing and being aware of them is important. Soldiering on and pushing them to one side can often result in real suffering in the long term.
Seek support
There's plenty of evidence now to demonstrate that simply seeking social support from family or friends is a powerful way of getting through grief and loss.
At the same time, steer clear of advice from people trying to tell you how you should feel.
If it gets too difficult to cope, seek professional help. Start by having a chat to your GP.
Self-care
Basic physical needs - diet, exercise, sleep - need to be looked after, as well as emotional needs.
How to help others
It's important to acknowledge how a grieving person is feeling, to tell them that it's okay to be sad or angry.
However, be careful not to come across as invalidating or patronising. Phrases such as, “I've been through something like this before and I know that you'll get through it” can come across as dismissive.
If you want to be helpful, but don't know what someone needs, simply ask them. They know best.
Written by Linda McSweeny. First appeared on Stuff.co.nz.
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