"You have to be fit and healthy to go to hospital..."
Over60 community member, Ian Rowland, shares his laugh-out-loud funny wisdom on surviving hospital.
Ian’s survival guide
Somebody once mused all institutions are the same and zoos, prisons, schools, and hospitals all exist primarily for the benefit of the staff rather than the inmates. Although having almost no experience of the first three, my interaction with the hospital system over three decades has equipped me to be something of an expert on the subject.
I speak not as one of the staff but as a traveller in the truly wondrous world that is our private hospital system. It is a world of its own, every bit as exciting as any overseas destination, and with as many pitfalls for the unwary. I hope I can offer some advice in negotiating this exotic land with the object of making the experience a more comfortable one.
The first thing to remember is you have to be fit and healthy to go to hospital. To the uninitiated this may seem a curious thing to say, but for the seasoned hospital inmate it will have a ring of truth and be received with the nod of a knowing head.
It is a busy life being a hospital patient and it doesn’t revolve around any timetable you have known so far in life. It is a 24-hour cycle of feeding, washing, puncturing, pill swallowing and various procedures. And the whole thing is orchestrated from the Holy Grail of the hospital – the “chart”!
This convoluted document comes enshrined in a ring binder and makes about as much sense to the layman as Chinese opera but to the medical staff it is the stuff of Holy Writ. Everything runs by “the chart” so get this firmly implanted in your mind should you ever feel adventurous enough to question the system. And don’t worry about boredom, the chart will ensure your every waking minute is filled with surprises.
Forget that huge book you have ready to relieve the anticipated boredom, at the end of the experience you will crave the peace and quiet of home, and boredom will be your mission in life.
So, you’re off to hospital for the first time. Just approach the experience as some sort of blood sport with a similar amount of blood!
Where do we begin…?
Firstly, it should be remembered there is a huge diversity in private hospitals ranging from the slick and modern to the rather tired and rundown. I speak only about my experience in the private sphere, as I have been fortunate enough to of maintained private health insurance since 1968. A two-week stay in a private hospital without any insurance taught me a bitter lesson.
Since then I have seen the system develop from a stiff starched system where fearsome matrons reigned over quivering nurses, and the doctor was akin to a demigod of a modern culture of commercial operations with quality in service the benchmark.
That said, let’s get started on our journey and a good place to start is probably at the beginning:
Packing to go to hospital
While packing, bear in mind to keep things simple and this begins with your pyjamas. Find a few a pairs of comfortable pyjamas with a complete lack of buttons and the like which were designed for maximum discomfort by a sadistic creature centuries ago. They serve no practical purpose other than to cause annoyance, which you will not appreciate if you are already in serious pain after surgery.
I find the most comfortable pyjamas are obtained by shopping for sleep shirts of the T-shirt variety, but bought in a size at least two up from your normal – it will swim on you but provide maximum comfort. Teamed with a few pairs of loose fitting pyjama shorts you will be equipped for the rigours of hospital life.
Your choice of dressing gown and slippers is up to individual taste and are much of a muchness, but conservatism is the best bet. Bear in mind you may be mobile at some stage and quite able to wander downstairs to the coffee shop for a treat. You will probably feel a bit conspicuous in the Metallica number you borrowed from your son. Similarly, the bear-claw slippers are sure to attract attention.
A freestanding toiletries bag is a must. All hospital sinks are carefully designed to propel a toppling toiletries bag across the room.
On the subject of sinks, a useful tip is to go and buy a basic universal sink plug for about two dollars and stash in you’re your kit. Hospital sinks never have plugs for a number of reasons and you will never regret bringing your own. Long ago I learned from a plug-owning Israeli backpacker in a caravan park shower block that somewhere in this world is a man wandering around with about three billion sink plugs in the boot of his car which he has stolen from all over the planet! Again, bring your own.
Another odd item to add to your hospital bag is a back scratcher available from one of those variety shops for a few dollars. Trust me, if you are in prolonged pain after surgery and it even hurts to blink having a back scratcher to reach where it really itches or to drag that tissue box from the bedside table is a godsend. I have made gifts of back scratchers to numerous bewildered friends who were facing impending surgery and they all say it was a major factor in their recovery. Well, maybe that’s going a bit too far but they really appreciated it.
A final tip for your packing list involves coffee. If you are like me and believe life is too short to drink the instant variety pack some coffee bags, readily available in supermarkets, for your stay and you will always have access to a decent cuppa.
During your hospital stay you will be confronted by many strange and seemingly senseless events so the last thing you should pack for your trip is a sense of humour.
Ok, it’s off we go!
Carefully prearrange your transport to and from hospital and beware of brigands masquerading as car park operators. There is a huge variation in car park charges and conditions so be careful you don’t set yourself up to pay out an amount that would refloat the economies of some Third World countries. If you are reliant on hospital parking, check with hospital management before you go and get it in writing.
Now safely inside the reception area of your hospital you will go through an admissions procedure which usually involves paper work which makes the Treaty Of Versailles look like something you could put on a post it note! Your admissions documentation will be showered with an avalanche of labels containing your vital statistics as well as Medicare and heath fund membership details. A lot of this may have been obtained from you with a pre-admission phone call but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared. Bring your plastic cards anyway.
The blizzard of labels continues along the way to your ward where they will magically alight on the dreaded “chart” I mentioned earlier. By this time you are in your room and getting to know your surroundings. Most private hospital rooms have a mini safe which you can easily program to hold your valuables so make use of it although I have never heard of a case of theft in the many private hospitals I have visited.
OK… so it’s off to bed.
Hospital beds, as a rule, are designed by the same company who gave us the chocolate teapot and hip pockets for singlets! They are huge mechanical beasts and about as comfortable as a barbed wire jock strap. But they serve a dual purpose in not only torturing you but also making it every efficient for medical staff to twist, turn, lower, raise and generally contort the unsuspecting patient who is new to the sport.
Cleverly hidden beside the bed and usually dangling out of reach is the nurse call button. These are all carefully trained to slither about the place so they are always nowhere handy within your reach. They spend some weeks in a special training camp to acquire this skill.
The joke goes among experienced patients that if you want to have a guaranteed 30 minutes of uninterrupted rest you simply press the nurse call button because for the next half hour nobody will come near you!
Seriously though, hospital staff members are usually highly attentive and respond in a flash, which poses another problem. If you are slumbering happily it is almost certain you will roll on the call button and be disturbed in a trice!
To make things easier for both yourself and staff it is wise to take a list of the medications you take with you to hospital which makes it easier to record them on “the chart” along with another blizzard of labels. If you take your own medications with you, unless they are sealed and inside their use by date the staff will almost certainly have your prescriptions refilled at the hospital pharmacy.
Now comes the fun stuff…
Get ready for a busy life in hospital and as the title suggests you have to be fit and healthy to survive intact. Apart from being poked, prodded, punctured around the clock you will have a parade of wonderful people pondering your very existence.
Once in your bed you will almost certainly be put on a drip with a cannula needle, seemingly about the same diameter as a tent peg, inserted in the wrist area which is about as annoying as a nine-year-old with a school recorder but very necessary. This connects by tube to an IV pole and various concoctions are fed into you from it during you stay. It does, however, do away with the need for a constant injections etc. After the initial cannula about the only needles you will probably receive are for blood tests and the like.
A trick I learned some time ago is that if you are looking down the barrel of a series of blood tests and other needles, drink as much water as possible for the few days beforehand. I don’t know how it works but supposedly it makes finding a vein much easier and it certainly doesn’t hurt as much.
The IV is your lifeline as well as the bane of you existence and learning how to negotiate you way around the room and to the toilet with one in tow is a real skill. Learning how to take a shower while attached to an IV pole without getting anything wet is a skill, which is the goal of very NASA astronaut. Ask the nursing staff for a few tips. And you will find the nursing staff very different to those baby boomers among us may have encountered in childhood. Gone is the fire breathing, dragon matron of yesteryear who snapped cowering nurses over her knee like dried twigs. Today’s nurses are highly educated professionals and come from all corners of the earth. They don’t scrub bedpans or floors and leave that to ancillary staff but they are completely occupied with your health.
Pain management, administering medication and observing your vitals are their core business and today’s drugs are highly sophisticated and effective. Not even after the most horrendous surgery have I ever suffered drastic pain so don’t be shy in asking for relief if you need it. If this sound like simpering praise of nursing staff you may be right… But I learned a long time ago to never criticise anybody who cooks you food, cuts your hair or can stick a needle in you!
Speaking of food, there is the subject of hospital fare to be dealt with. There is little variation in menu from one hospital to another and food is enjoyable… for about the first week! After that it tends to become stodgy and heavy and you would give you right arm for a burger with the lot. If you are a fruit bat like me it is wise to arrange supply of your favourites to be on hand as hospital food doesn’t excel in this department.
Finally, don’t be scared of becoming bored in your hospital stay. Apart from the parade of professionals like doctors, nurses, tea ladies and others passing your bed you always have TV at your fingertips. Like everything else, the TV provided varies greatly between hospitals and ranges from state of the art digital receivers complete with internet access down to systems which are creaking relics from the past which I suspect may be steam powered!
Well… there you have it. I hope I have been of some help in preparing you for your hospital stay. Good luck and remember to keep your sense of humour and get well… even if it kills you!